A friend of Scout who went to Berlin

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[Free now]

My story is seen through the lens of my experience at Evergreen from 1988-2002. I realize that there's no perfect church, and certainly, my current church isn't without flaws. I also believe that there are some great, godly people there. I've personally seen, now that I'm outside Evergreen, that there have been some tangible and positive changes since we were there. (For example, the culture of us vs. them/isolationist vibe has really dissipated, and I see Evergreen participating not only in the community but also with other local churches.) However, after Scout bravely went public, I wanted to support her by adding a bit of my story since we were in Berlin together. She is tremendously courageous and I'm so proud of her.

I started going to Evergreen right after college in the late 80s and fell in love with the culture of the church. A genuine excitement and a true sense of mission permeated the place. It was a sweet time of living with other single women, sharing life together, and learning and growing in my faith. I was able to use my creative gifts within the church, too, which I enjoyed. Finally, I met my husband there, and the experience of going from single to young marrieds to young parents along with our friends was something I will always treasure. We had a rich history there, and I have lifelong friends from that time.

Then we had an opportunity to help with the church plant in Berlin. We joined the team of folks going and began raising our support. When we got to Berlin, it wasn't easy, but we knew that culture shock and adjustment were part of the deal. But in the pressure cooker of a new place, God began to expose lies that we believed. Being in Berlin was like looking in a spiritual mirror; on the one hand, it's like we had really big biceps, but we didn't even know that we were missing our legs. I went there with my superhero cape on, ready to "save the lost" in Berlin, but it quickly detached and is flying around Germany somewhere. It's certainly not on my back anymore.

I don't place complete blame on Evergreen for the way that lies lodged in my soul; I came to Evergreen as a needy, insecure woman, who had been sexually abused years ago by a relative and had never dealt with it. However, I will say that being in an environment like Evergreen really delayed true Gospel healing in my life. My hidden pain coupled with the emphasis on striving to be "mature" was a toxic mix. Here are a few of the lies I believed:

1) My spiritual strength is ultimately in myself. If I just read my Bible more, memorize more verses, do (fill in the blank) more, and STRIVE HARDER I will be a godly woman. In other words, Jesus saves, but the rest is up to me.

2) My children's behavior directly defines me, and it's up to me to see that they are saved/godly/etc. (The idea was that they are a "blank slate" and that there are not strong-willed children, only weak-willed parents.) This one particularly stunk when you took your kids overseas and they freaked out and made you look bad

3) Being a pastor/missionary is superior to being a "layperson."

4) My husband isn't spiritual enough, and I'm not spiritual enough, so we've probably messed up our kids for life.

5) I can't tell church leaders my misgivings about them because they are in authority over me, and that wouldn't be submissive/godly. There's probably something wrong with my attitude.

These are just a few of the lies that I believed...

I was there with Scout, and I can honestly say that I had NO idea about the abuse she suffered and its ensuing pain and toll on her family. I knew that she was struggling in some way, but I think that she hid her pain, as I tried to stuff mine. I was just trying to keep my own head above water. One of our kids especially had a rough time adjusting there. One time at church, when another of our kids was getting fussy, I found myself apologizing for him as if having a grumpy kid who was up past his bedtime necessitated an apology. This man said to me, "I always wonder what went wrong in your family." The anger and SHAME I felt was very painful. After months of trying to do it all (learn the language, help our kids adjust, do outreach, and let the folks know back home that we were being "fruitful"), my brave hubby said that we should go back to the States and that we should look for a new church. We moved back and the hardest part was not the culture shock related to Berlin, but the culture shock of leaving Evergreen. It felt like a death to me, even though I KNEW that when I was in Berlin, God revealed the dysfunctional parts of my spiritual life, and returning to Evergreen wasn't going to help me to heal. Scout and her family left, just as we did. When I'd run into some (not all) people from Evergreen later, who knew we'd been to Berlin, we'd get these sorrowful looks and they'd say, "Ohhh. You were part of THAT." I felt like we'd failed. I didn't know that they didn't really know the whole story; for that matter, I DIDN'T KNOW IT EITHER!

I could write a book, but I am so thankful for that journey of "failure." It really led me to freedom in Jesus. I don't mean that in a trite way. I was a believer then, but I didn't really know Jesus, if that makes sense. Or maybe, more accurately, He wasn't the first love I had. My first love was the church, the approval of the leaders, and doing ministry...not knowing and loving Jesus. I think what really crippled Evergreen in those days was pride. It crippled me, too. There was a sense that we were the "true" church who was doing it right, that we had it all figured out. It was a culture that celebrated ME (look what I did!) instead of Jesus (look what HE did!) It's not that I didn't learn or grow; nothing is as black and white as that. But I absorbed a lot of lies by believing that we were "all that." Ironically, by striving so hard, I missed the gospel of GRACE.

About the sexual abuse: please believe Scout. She has nothing to gain by making this stuff up, and she is putting herself out there by telling the truth. As for my own story, going to Berlin also caused me to face that hidden pain upon my return home. I sought counseling and faced my abuser for the first time. The beautiful thing is that my abuser completely, utterly, 100% owned it. He didn't deflect it, minimize it, or somehow blame me. And for the first time, I was healed AND so was our relationship. I can't tell you what that means to have God redeem such ugliness. He brought beauty out of ashes, and this person is no longer an abuser. In fact, this person is a new creature in Christ. And though the journey wasn't easy, this person was willing to do the HARD work of repentance. His honesty and humility brought healing for both of us. Glory to God!

Repentance is not just for the lost sinner. It is for the believer. It is for the pastor, too. 2 Chronicles 7:14

[Rebel in a Good Way]

Free Now, thanks so much for your story.  Those lies you believed were the same ones I did.

I want to comment on your story about reconciling with your abuser.  That is beautiful!  It is also very rare, and believers should hold out for nothing less than the true repentance you described.  I think Christians are too easily fooled with the words "I'm sorry" and talk of forgiveness.  That can all be very shallow is does not promote true healing or reconciliation.  It sounds like in your case you got to experience that, which is amazing!

The following links are from a site that deals with family violence, but I think it applies with some modification to details.

https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/03/29/checklist-for-repentance-via-not-under-bondage/

If they are genuinely repentant, abusers will:

Stop all blame-shifting. Stop blaming their spouse. Stop making excuses.
Commit to going to a professionally run Behavior Change Group for spouse-abusers.
Admit, confess and accept responsibility for all their abuse, in full detail.
Identify the attitudes that drive their abusiveness.
Relinquish their attitudes of entitlement and superiority over their partner, even the last bastion and stronghold of their selfish sense of entitlement.
Be accountable to probation officers, courts, and any others who are overseeing their actions and attitudes.
Accept the consequences of their actions.
Resist feeling sorry for themselves if they have to pay consequences.
Be honest and non-manipulative in their communication.
Be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of their abuse on the partner and children.
Attempt to right the wrongs by restoring losses which they’ve caused to their victims.
Allow the hurt partner and children to take as much time as they need to heal.
Not attempt to use behavioral improvements as bargaining chips.
Not demand credit for behavioural improvements.
Carry their own weight in all matters, including parenting.
Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviours.
Change how they respond to the grievances of their partners.
Accept that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process.

[Free now]

Thanks for sharing that, Rebel in a Good Way. What a thorough look at the nature of true repentance!

Free now

[Scout]

Free Now, thanks so much for your story.  Those lies you believed were the same ones I did.

I want to comment on your story about reconciling with your abuser.  That is beautiful!  It is also very rare, and believers should hold out for nothing less than the true repentance you described.  I think Christians are too easily fooled with the words "I'm sorry" and talk of forgiveness.  That can all be very shallow is does not promote true healing or reconciliation.  It sounds like in your case you got to experience that, which is amazing!

The following links are from a site that deals with family violence, but I think it applies with some modification to details.

https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/03/29/checklist-for-repentance-via-not-under-bondage/

If they are genuinely repentant, abusers will:

Stop all blame-shifting. Stop blaming their spouse. Stop making excuses.
Commit to going to a professionally run Behavior Change Group for spouse-abusers.
Admit, confess and accept responsibility for all their abuse, in full detail.
Identify the attitudes that drive their abusiveness.
Relinquish their attitudes of entitlement and superiority over their partner, even the last bastion and stronghold of their selfish sense of entitlement.
Be accountable to probation officers, courts, and any others who are overseeing their actions and attitudes.
Accept the consequences of their actions.
Resist feeling sorry for themselves if they have to pay consequences.
Be honest and non-manipulative in their communication.
Be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of their abuse on the partner and children.
Attempt to right the wrongs by restoring losses which they’ve caused to their victims.
Allow the hurt partner and children to take as much time as they need to heal.
Not attempt to use behavioral improvements as bargaining chips.
Not demand credit for behavioural improvements.
Carry their own weight in all matters, including parenting.
Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviours.
Change how they respond to the grievances of their partners.
Accept that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process.

Rebel in a Good Way,

Thank you for taking the time to write this well stated list of how repentance can express itself.

scout

[Free now]

As I've been reflecting on Scout's story, as well as my own, I'd like to share more specifically about what I used to think following God meant, and how that view has changed.

During my years at Evergreen, I really believed, perhaps not consciously, but certainly, under the surface, that following God meant following in the steps of a person. That person was Mark Darling. I said in my earlier post that I don't completely blame Evergreen, given the person I was at the time when I got involved. However, I think I should clarify that statement; I don't completely blame Mark Darling, but he is the person who REPRESENTED Evergreen to me at that time. And in my mind, his voice = God's will. That's where error crept in. During the years that I was there, he seemed to be the loudest voice...the one that wielded the most power. And what I secretly wondered about then, though I dismissed my questions as "prideful," is, who is he accountable to? Who is able to stand up to him if there is an error in what he says? Does the plurality of leadership there allow for every voice in that group to be heard with equal weight? Do I just chalk up my misgivings about his extreme statements as me being unforgiving? Is there anyone from the outside looking in?

We bounced around a lot to various churches post-Berlin before we landed where we are now. I remember a few humorous interactions as I'd meet people for the first time at a new church. I over-explained how we got there, saying something like, "Well, we were at another (unnamed) church for a long time, and we really loved it, I mean, it was and IS a great church, but we wanted to look for something different, so that's why we're here, but we don't have any hard feelings toward our old church...." People nodded and smiled but perhaps their eyes glazed over a bit, too Pretty soon I realized that no one cared WHY we left, not because they were uncaring, but because leaving one congregation for another wasn't akin to leaving God. No one was fazed that I had a job outside the home and they didn't bat an eye telling me about their kids in public school. It's like the whole world got BIGGER. Also, my view of GOD got bigger.

If you were to ask me what church I go to, I would tell you the name of the local congregation, but the Church that I belong to is the church of Jesus Christ and those who trust in Him. I appreciate our "little c" congregation but am also regularly involved with believers from multiple congregations. That would've felt like betrayal before. Now it feels like what Jesus prayed for in John 17. It's lifegiving.

Free now

[AgathaL'Orange]

Great story, Free Now!  I just have to say we also have had the same experience where people wonder why leaving was such a big deal.  But it was a major deal and perhaps only those from abusive and harmful churches will understand why.

[Scout]

My story is seen through the lens of my experience at Evergreen from 1988-2002. I realize that there's no perfect church, and certainly, my current church isn't without flaws. I also believe that there are some great, godly people there. I've personally seen, now that I'm outside Evergreen, that there have been some tangible and positive changes since we were there. (For example, the culture of us vs. them/isolationist vibe has really dissipated, and I see Evergreen participating not only in the community but also with other local churches.) However, after Scout bravely went public, I wanted to support her by adding a bit of my story since we were in Berlin together. She is tremendously courageous and I'm so proud of her.

I started going to Evergreen right after college in the late 80s and fell in love with the culture of the church. A genuine excitement and a true sense of mission permeated the place. It was a sweet time of living with other single women, sharing life together, and learning and growing in my faith. I was able to use my creative gifts within the church, too, which I enjoyed. Finally, I met my husband there, and the experience of going from single to young marrieds to young parents along with our friends was something I will always treasure. We had a rich history there, and I have lifelong friends from that time.


Then we had an opportunity to help with the church plant in Berlin. We joined the team of folks going and began raising our support. When we got to Berlin, it wasn't easy, but we knew that culture shock and adjustment were part of the deal. But in the pressure cooker of a new place, God began to expose lies that we believed. Being in Berlin was like looking in a spiritual mirror; on the one hand, it's like we had really big biceps, but we didn't even know that we were missing our legs. I went there with my superhero cape on, ready to "save the lost" in Berlin, but it quickly detached and is flying around Germany somewhere. It's certainly not on my back anymore.

I don't place complete blame on Evergreen for the way that lies lodged in my soul; I came to Evergreen as a needy, insecure woman, who had been sexually abused years ago by a relative and had never dealt with it. However, I will say that being in an environment like Evergreen really delayed true Gospel healing in my life. My hidden pain coupled with the emphasis on striving to be "mature" was a toxic mix. Here are a few of the lies I believed:

1) My spiritual strength is ultimately in myself. If I just read my Bible more, memorize more verses, do (fill in the blank) more, and STRIVE HARDER I will be a godly woman. In other words, Jesus saves, but the rest is up to me.

2) My children's behavior directly defines me, and it's up to me to see that they are saved/godly/etc. (The idea was that they are a "blank slate" and that there are not strong-willed children, only weak-willed parents.) This one particularly stunk when you took your kids overseas and they freaked out and made you look bad

3) Being a pastor/missionary is superior to being a "layperson."

4) My husband isn't spiritual enough, and I'm not spiritual enough, so we've probably messed up our kids for life.

5) I can't tell church leaders my misgivings about them because they are in authority over me, and that wouldn't be submissive/godly. There's probably something wrong with my attitude.

These are just a few of the lies that I believed...

I was there with Scout, and I can honestly say that I had NO idea about the abuse she suffered and its ensuing pain and toll on her family. I knew that she was struggling in some way, but I think that she hid her pain, as I tried to stuff mine. I was just trying to keep my own head above water. One of our kids especially had a rough time adjusting there. One time at church, when another of our kids was getting fussy, I found myself apologizing for him as if having a grumpy kid who was up past his bedtime necessitated an apology. This man said to me, "I always wonder what went wrong in your family." The anger and SHAME I felt was very painful. After months of trying to do it all (learn the language, help our kids adjust, do outreach, and let the folks know back home that we were being "fruitful"), my brave hubby said that we should go back to the States and that we should look for a new church. We moved back and the hardest part was not the culture shock related to Berlin, but the culture shock of leaving Evergreen. It felt like a death to me, even though I KNEW that when I was in Berlin, God revealed the dysfunctional parts of my spiritual life, and returning to Evergreen wasn't going to help me to heal. Scout and her family left, just as we did. When I'd run into some (not all) people from Evergreen later, who knew we'd been to Berlin, we'd get these sorrowful looks and they'd say, "Ohhh. You were part of THAT." I felt like we'd failed. I didn't know that they didn't really know the whole story; for that matter, I DIDN'T KNOW IT EITHER!

I could write a book, but I am so thankful for that journey of "failure." It really led me to freedom in Jesus. I don't mean that in a trite way. I was a believer then, but I didn't really know Jesus, if that makes sense. Or maybe, more accurately, He wasn't the first love I had. My first love was the church, the approval of the leaders, and doing ministry...not knowing and loving Jesus. I think what really crippled Evergreen in those days was pride. It crippled me, too. There was a sense that we were the "true" church who was doing it right, that we had it all figured out. It was a culture that celebrated ME (look what I did!) instead of Jesus (look what HE did!) It's not that I didn't learn or grow; nothing is as black and white as that. But I absorbed a lot of lies by believing that we were "all that." Ironically, by striving so hard, I missed the gospel of GRACE.

About the sexual abuse: please believe Scout. She has nothing to gain by making this stuff up, and she is putting herself out there by telling the truth. As for my own story, going to Berlin also caused me to face that hidden pain upon my return home. I sought counseling and faced my abuser for the first time. The beautiful thing is that my abuser completely, utterly, 100% owned it. He didn't deflect it, minimize it, or somehow blame me. And for the first time, I was healed AND so was our relationship. I can't tell you what that means to have God redeem such ugliness. He brought beauty out of ashes, and this person is no longer an abuser. In fact, this person is a new creature in Christ. And though the journey wasn't easy, this person was willing to do the HARD work of repentance. His honesty and humility brought healing for both of us. Glory to God!

Repentance is not just for the lost sinner. It is for the believer. It is for the pastor, too. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Free now,

Thank you for taking the time to write and share some of your story.  You had much to lose in confronting your abuser and I see bravery in you.  AND I feel happy that your abuser chose ownership. I am amazed.

Again, thank you for sharing.

scout

[GodisFaithful]

Free Now,

Somehow I overlooked your story.

Thank you so much for sharing from first hand experience about your time in Berlin, about Scout being believable, and thank you for your humility in explaining what you learned through your "failures" and about finding GRACE.

What is bothering me about how Evergreen is "handling" this situation, is that it looks pretty darn for sure that there ISN'T and has not been ANY one that has been keeping Mark Darling accountable for his teaching (some of it outlandish in my opinion) or his behavior.  What a dangerous place for him and for those under him. And you were wondering about it way back then. 
 

[Free now]

God is Faithful,

You're welcome. It's kind of unique timing because recently I'd wanted to share my own story of dealing with the effects of sexual abuse in my life and the beauty that came out of it, largely through the true repentance on the part of my former abuser. I just wasn't sure how to approach the topic and didn't want to be one more blogger out there. I also have no desire to seek justice, because I feel that God really brought that to me years ago. He brought LIGHT out of darkness. I really desired to give God glory for His healing and also to give others hope in dealing with this particular pain. But I didn't want to just shout, "Hey, look what happened to me!"

Then I learned about Scout's story and was amazed that I hadn't known it before since we were there together in Berlin. Her story rocked me. Next Survivor C's story surfaced, and I was hit hard again. And I know that there are more stories yet to be told. It wasn't only about the sexual abuse (although that is completely abhorrent), but just as much about the covering up of sin based on someone's position. And now, having been outside of the GCx culture for 16 years, I can see how wrong and hurtful that is, not only to victims but even to perpetrators and enablers themselves. Suddenly, I could see why God had been reminding me of what He'd done in this area of my life. And He is fully able to heal, redeem, and bring beauty again in all these stories. It starts with being honest about what really happened.

When I was at ECC, it had a sort of caste system feel to me, and I inwardly compared myself to some type of ideal which I could never fully meet. On the flip side, there were particular leaders who seemed to be able to do no wrong, and I pushed away questioning thoughts because of the position they held. The CULTURE there reinforced that questioning was a negative because how could someone who was a LEADER ultimately be doubted or criticized?

As I reflected on this, on the CULTURE that ECC had (perhaps still has), I realized that it's really hard for people to grasp that someone who's had such a good influence (which in many ways Mark has) and who's raised such amazing kids (which they are) could be capable of doing something which is so grievous. But that's like saying that once you're a certain type of Christian (a leader, a pastor, etc.) you're not capable of certain types of sin. You might still do "normal" sins like getting impatient with your spouse or not wanting to help someone in need, but you "could never do that." I know that as believers we have been freed from the power of sin and are to count ourselves dead to it. But that doesn't mean that we're not capable of it. Our flesh never gets better. We are being sanctified but we are also to view ourselves with sober judgment. And a wounded past on top of that flesh can really wreak havoc. I've often wondered how Mark's pain in childhood and as a young man (freely shared in his sermons) contributed to a lack of health in his pastoring. Without proper checks and balances, in a system which promotes lifetime commitment, when does what's unhealthy get checked, stopped, or turned around? And as for my former abuser, he was someone who (in many ways) loved me well AND who did something grievous. I saw great good and terrible sin in the same person.

It is that way with all of us. That is why, as Derek Thomas writes, "We never get past the gospel."

If I saw you today, Mark, I would tell you that you are loved, not based on what you do for a living or what you've "achieved" but based on the cross and the finished work of Jesus Christ for you. The time is now to come out of hiding and admit what you've done. To step into the light of gospel healing so that this isn't the end of your story. The time is now for other pastors who also knew and chose loyalty to a man over truth.

Galatians 1:10, 2 Chronicles 7:14

[bourneforHim]

Freenow, Scout, and Rebel,

    Thank you all for sharing your stories.  It truly saddens me of all the things that have gone on both at Evergreen but especially in your lives.  Your stories I'm sure are hitting many people all these years later.

   I attended Evergreen for many years beginning in the late 1990's.  Freenow you have expressed culture shock upon your return.  I wish I could have been much more supportive.  It was quite uncomfortable for many of us whom you were coming back to as well. Many of us new you were up against a very difficult situation in Berlin. As it unfolded a number of people had a strong sense something just wasn't right.  A few people approached me with this, I didn't nor had to ever bring it up. 
    While Rock Berlin was going on we would see videos from the team on how great things were going, but never anything from actual people being reached that I can recall.  When the team began coming back only 2 families from at least 5 couples/families/singles from the Plymouth/New Hope location returned to the same church and one of those two families soon left.  I so wish I could have offered support to them but really had no idea what to say but I was joyful in my heart they had returned.  Meanwhile other things weren't adding up.  Not only did John and Suzanne not return, but some of their friends left Evergreen and friends of yet another Berlin missionary left as well.  While the pastors said it's normal for long term missionaries to return to other churches all of this was not adding up to me nor to many others I was close to.  The mini exodus that happened over that time and another were responded by pastors with statements that people are falling away and no longer walking.  For many who left, that just wasn't true as I still keep in close touch with quite a few of them.  Some knew a bit of what was going on but maintained the confidence of the Berlin team.   
   This and other circumstances that are best left for other posts and threads all added up for me to eventually head for the door.  Now I'm in a great church that feels much more spirit led and I love going to much more.  Evergreen was very difficult to leave.  I was saved there, got on the path, built a number of quality relationships there, but there came a time to leave as did most of my friends. 

  God bless all of the Berlin team, you've been in my thoughts over the years.
 
 

[Free now]

Thanks, bourneforhim😊

I appreciate your kind words. I’m not sorry about Berlin or my time at ECC...it was just part of my journey. It’s a comfort to believe the truth that no matter what, He is committed to the good work He began in us. Glad that you found a great church post-ECC. God bless you!