A Story

Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

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[Ned_Flanders]

Hello All,
I just wanted to share an experience of the difference between then (my GC experience) and now (my current Church).

When I was in college and attending a Great Commission Church, I was fired from a job.  It was nothing I had any career goals in, so it really didn't impact me professionally.  But the guy who fired me was very cruel and nasty about it.  Not that nothing was my fault, but I was not trained very well.  The whole experience was overwhelming... like being spun around at a high spped and then being hit by someone very hard.  I was very upset at that man for a long time.  I woould never actually do it but for a long time, I felt like if I could get away with it, I would have found that man and beaten him with a baseball bat. 


Anyway, I told people in the GC Church about it, especially a friend who was a stundent group leader.  Then shortly after I was fired, he and I were going somewhere in his car.  He drove right by the place I was fired from.  I felt like, "You know how upset I am about that place; couldn't you have gone some other way?"  I said to him, "It's so hard not to be bitter about that place."  And all he said was, "Umm... yeah."

Fast forward to today: the pastor of my current Church recently shared about how his son was also fired from a job and the boss was also very cruel and disespectful to him.  But he told his son all the right things- that he supported him; that he was not defined by that job; and that he would move on to better things.  It was excatly what you should say to someone in that situation. 

Sometimes, with GCM, it was like all they wanted you to do was say "Praise God" no matter what haoppened to you.  At a time when I was deling with real hurt, a friend who knew so much about Christianity had nothing to offer me.  Not that he represents all of GC, but I don't understand sometimes why so many of those people couldn't deal with real life. 

[EverAStudent]

Hello Neddie (d-oh!).

It appears the majority of GC pastor/elders do not have formal seminary education.  While such education/training is not the end-all and be-all of shepherding, some of the better seminaries require pastoral students to take biblical counseling training (often in the premier and pragmatic Nouthetic Counseling approach).  By skipping seminary these pastor/elders miss out on the invaluable biblical counseling training which is designed to help leaders compassionately move a person in their care from a state of despair to a position of hope and ultimately to victory over their distress.

Those who slam divinity education all too quickly expose themselves as divinely ignorant.  

[FeministRebel]

I can relate to your story a lot. I feel like... the time I spent at GCX I had a great deal of personal turmoil in my life. Life changes, hurts in my biological family, ambivalence of direction, etc... And a lot of those folks were just so cold. I couldn't find any friendly ears in anyone. I remember this one girl who was our life group leader, and she just... was always about the smiling, and always needing to pretend her life was perfect. I rebelled against all that, because I've always felt embracing our experiences is how we grow through them -- not avoiding them, and pretending all this happiness. I mean, if one can't be real with one's life group, than who the heck can one be real with? They'd always just tell you you had no place talking to people about life, but God. All those years... it was a real struggle to belong at GCX. It's taken me years... to overcome some of the hurt from ostracizing, and the things various people and pastors have told me... and quite frankly, I am still not over a lot of it.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Dear Ned,

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.  Many people on here including myself know exactly the kind of experience you had.  Hope you'll be encouraged and even a little tickled by my post on the Drake Campus Fellowship thread (just posted today).  It is related to what you are talking about.  

I believe churches like GCx foster and grow this type of insincere love.  Though my own fleshly body can be susceptible to selfish ambition and do the same, I am not surrounded by an incubator environment of that anymore since leaving GCx.  

Somehow, now I just KNOW that certain christians really love me sincerely and unconditionally.  I am in a church environment of supporting the hurting, encouraging the weak, honoring others instead of yourself, and enjoying and relaxing in others' love and acceptance.  I rarely, if ever, felt that at GCx.  I felt I always had to be on my GAME there.  

I know you encouraged others reading who have been similarly hurt but perhaps not yet ready to admit it.  You definitely are not alone, Ned.  Keep posting.

Learning Along With You,

Janet

[Ned_Flanders]

Dear Ned,

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.  Many people on here including myself know exactly the kind of experience you had.  Hope you'll be encouraged and even a little tickled by my post on the Drake Campus Fellowship thread (just posted today).  It is related to what you are talking about.  

I believe churches like GCx foster and grow this type of insincere love.  Though my own fleshly body can be susceptible to selfish ambition and do the same, I am not surrounded by an incubator environment of that anymore since leaving GCx.  

Somehow, now I just KNOW that certain christians really love me sincerely and unconditionally.  I am in a church environment of supporting the hurting, encouraging the weak, honoring others instead of yourself, and enjoying and relaxing in others' love and acceptance.  I rarely, if ever, felt that at GCx.  I felt I always had to be on my GAME there.  

I know you encouraged others reading who have been similarly hurt but perhaps not yet ready to admit it.  You definitely are not alone, Ned.  Keep posting.

Learning Along With You,

Janet

Dear Janet, EverAStudent and FeministRebel,
Thanks so much for all of your great responses to my post.  I would have responded sooner but I forgot I left this message.  

Thanks to all of you for "getting it" with my story.  I don't recall if my friend had seminary training but I know he scoffed at what he called "Christian psychology."  Perhaps he, in a similar situation, would have not let it bother him at all and moved on.  Honestly he would never have worked there and he didn't like me working there because the owners and many of the staff members were gay.  Maybe I should not have let it bother me but at the time, I was so angry, hurt and humiliated.  Plus, I'd never been fired before.  

A couple of other things: After I was fired, I called one of the girls in the Church (girl sounds funny; she was older than me) who I got to know and I asked her to come to my place because I needed to talk.  I think she provided some help.  But then she asked me if I was romantically interested in her- I had spent some time with her before.  I told her I appreciated being friends but that was about it.  Anyway, what made me upset was she felt the need to go back and tell her house sisters/roommates why I needed to talk to her.  The next time I saw them (a week or so later) one of them, looking for something to talk to me about, asked me, "Found a job yet?"  I really didn't appreciate that.  

And the day after I was fired, I went to Church and saw the wife of my friend (the one against Christian psychology).  When I told her I got fired, she slapped me on the back and said, "Well, at least you won't get AIDS now!"  

And these were the people who said they wanted to reach the world....  

[FeministRebel]

Yeah, they were never very good at being tactful with big life changes. When my father died, they just didn't care. I mean, they wouldn't even send flowers, saying "they'll have all kinds of flowers, and won't need anymore." Really? Do you think dead people NEED ANY flowers? I'm pretty sure it's not about needing. :/

So one day, I was at work -- and I worked at this store -- and all manner of strangers I didn't know started showing up, and giving me condolences about my father... I guess they advertised it to some major church prayer list that I had lost my dad -- when I really wasn't ready for any of that. When I tried to explained my situation, and asked if there was a way any prayers could be kept in a private and smaller group, they attacked me, and retaliated against me. I knew then... this place was not right. I left shortly thereafter.

[MidnightRider]

Yeah, they were never very good at being tactful with big life changes. When my father died, they just didn't care. I mean, they wouldn't even send flowers, ....

That was not universal. When one of my close relatives passed away, two men in the church drove 4 hours each way to visit with me and my family.

[Linda]

When my dad passed away, we received a lovely bouquet of roses from the HEART ministry at our church and a dear friend at the time who was a pastor's wife brought a delicious meal. When my mom passed away, we had left the church and we received a few cards from GC people who we were in touch with through other organizations. Some people we were very close to while attending didn't communicate at all, but it wasn't out of a lack of sympathy so much as the reality that meaningful friendship ended when we left the church so they didn't know.

The main thing is that they are so busy serving in the church, that they no longer have time to stay in touch with old friends. Friendships are conditional. It's a sad thing.

[FeministRebel]

Yeah, I don't know what to say... because I thought "Surely my church family will be with me in my hour of need," and they just weren't. They sent nothing, and no notes of condolences, or anything. Really, they didn't emotionally help me with anything. My pastor spent the time I was living with him accusing me ALL THE TIME of exaggerating my father's health condition, so when he died... I dunno what he was thinking. Maybe he was thinking I was going home for a holiday! Heck, when I returned to Iowa after being away, the first few words out of my pastor's mouth when he picked me up at the airport were "do you have the rent money?" I am serious. I have never experienced such cold people.

The worst part is that my father passed away after a LONG and difficult battle with a chronic illness, and I really could have used the emotional arm to bear through it... I mean, it's not easy watching your own father in diapers, needing to change him, needing to feed him, bathe him, etc.

I was just some 20 something year old, back then, not married... and with no kids, and with no family in the country... so I guess I was just... unimportant to them.

[Linda]

Feminist Rebel,

I am so sorry for the difficult days caring for your father and for the loss of your father. I am sorry, also, that those you looked to for support disappointed you in so many ways. Losing a father is a great loss (yes, heaven's gain, but a terrible loss for those left behind).

It is so "pragmatic" to say that they won't "need" any more flowers. Of course, no one NEEDS flowers. Anyone who thinks that is totally missing the point. Anyone who meets someone at the airport after they return from their father's funeral and asks for the rent money needs to grow a heart.

I know we all have different experiences with GC churches, but I think one thing that is common is when you leave a GC church, you lose all meaningful friendships. They are "committed to the local church" and in doing so lose site of the Groom (Christ) and lose site of the Bride (the Church). When anyone diminishes the idea of the Universal Church in favor of the "local" church, they have slipped into error.