experiences

Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

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[annb729]

ive read a lot about cult like activity. has anyone experienced being hurt by members? ive given my bible study group everything i had. me and my son were emotionally hurt by a man that took interest in us then pursued another girl. i was blamed for my hurt. when i tried to talk to people i was given a lot of attitude told to forgive and forget. i was told i was slanderous, deceitful, defensive, promblem causing, ungrateful,unforgiving, lashing out,victim playing etc. im not perfect and i have been working through a lot of things. i felt like i was talking to a group of judgemental mouthy passive aggressive teenagers.  i felt so broken ive also considered killing myself although i would not do that to my son. i feel like a worthless failure despite how hard i have tried. has anyone else had similar experiences? i have no other friends now because ive given my all to this group of people.

[Ned_Flanders]

With my experiences at GCx, I can definitely relate to your story.  But if it's to the point where you've had suicidal thoughts and you feel like you've got no one to turn to, I think you should get into professional counseling as soon as you possibly can.  

http://newlife.com/ might be of help to you.  God bless.

[curious]

I have dealt with being hurt by people in my GCC church, the best way to deal with it is to forgive. I didnt attend a GCC church until college, I have seen similar problems in non GCC churches. Forgiveness is the best way to deal with being hurt by everyone, no matter who they are. Someday God is coming back, he is the best person who could have our back.

[FeministRebel]

Your story is a very common GCx strategy for keeping members in check, and 'glued' into community. GCx is very law, and works oriented, because in this way, it's easier to keep a large group of people thinking as ONE, and to control their responses. It keeps them very loyal, and without question, to the leaders. Anyone who deviates from this approach threatens the stability of the church because it encourages others to THINK and QUESTION authority, so then GCx wouldn't have as much power to compel obedience from members for their personal gains or goals, or for things like continued building projects, or whatever other financial goals, and even growing their population. You can't grow a cult in which everyone's a free thinker. It would have been much easier for them to control you had you never even spoken of that man giving you attention. So they want to make you feel uncomfortable beyond belief about it so that you never do that again.

Of course, NONE of this is your fault. You were just someone wanting community, and spiritual fulfillment. These are hardly things to blame anyone for wanting. But, in like any relationship, we may come in vulnerable... or with a poor sense of where our boundaries should be, for self protection.

I *did* go through what you did. I didn't think many of the attitudes, or actions of others, were very Christian. And I spoke up often. I was chastised a lot, and I was told *I* was the trouble maker. I tried to share with my pastor that I didn't feel I could share or friend many of these girls in our group because I couldn't be real with them; because I didn't want to fake 'happiness' like they did, and I didn't want to really engage in the things they did... and because they often manipulated me for favors. I had a car, and one of the girls would regularly abuse my good nature by wanting rides to places, on demand. Normally, I loved helping others without a car -- I hadn't always had one, so I could understand how challenging it was -- but one night, coming home late from work, this girl demanded I give her a ride to her home town, like 3 hours away, at that hour! It was like 1 am, almost. I couldn't do it... and I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I put my foot down and said no. I got insulted a lot, and made into the bad guy. They completely socially punished me for this... A meeting with my pastor ended with him praying for me that I don't 'grow into a bitter old maid.' I had never had someone use a prayer as an opportunity to insult me under the guise of 'concern.'

And yes, I had guys lead me on there, and then move on to some other girl. Men at GCx know they have the upper hand, and though they are told supposedly, on the outside, to not lead girls on... it's a game to many of them.

NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR FAULT, AND YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. GCX IS THE PROBLEM. They don't even recognize mental illness as a health concern, but as people being rebellious, and not giving in to God.

• You are a dedicated person, and you gave something your all.
• But you had enough sense to know WHEN to walk away.
• The Bible clearly says to TEST everything, and question everything... and you did. And you found it lacking, so you left. That is OKAY.
• The beauty of being alone is that you get to start from scratch, and CHOOSE what you REALLY want to choose. Not what other people tell you to choose. You have FREEDOM.
• The lesson hear is that we can't place our self worth and our fulfillment on people. Organizations will NEVER give us meaning. Ever. And many of these clearly take advantage of that need in us, for their personal gains. Only YOU control your destiny, and only you give yourself meaning. NOTHING else can give you meaning, and nothing else should. You are worthy because you ARE. Because life is rare, and special. There's only one life to live, and it's precious... it's a shooting star in an infinite universe. There will never be another you, nor will you ever have another chance to experience life. Life is an obvious GIFT, whether it be of chance, or of God, or of coincidence. It is a GIFT, and the fact we are living it cannot be denied. There's a richness we feel in loving family, our children, and helping others who are not in the same place we are... because we know we can make their ONE chance on this Earth a little easier. We better our humanity, and thus, ourselves. We cannot let others... try to give us definition. And on that day, when you walked away... you gave YOURSELF some definition. You are more reliable, and more in control of YOU, than you suspect.

You are NOT alone. And your friendless state won't last long. Maybe there have been hobbies or things you have ignored because of so much involvement in GCx... You could join a book club, at the local library, or some other similar outlet. Maybe you could try to get to know people at a  job, as well. I went through that period of aloneness, too. But it's not emptiness, really. It's just a new canvass. You wield your own brush, this time.

[Ned_Flanders]

I *did* go through what you did. I didn't think many of the attitudes, or actions of others, were very Christian. And I spoke up often. I was chastised a lot, and I was told *I* was the trouble maker. I tried to share with my pastor that I didn't feel I could share or friend many of these girls in our group because I couldn't be real with them; because I didn't want to fake 'happiness' like they did, and I didn't want to really engage in the things they did... and because they often manipulated me for favors. I had a car, and one of the girls would regularly abuse my good nature by wanting rides to places, on demand. Normally, I loved helping others without a car -- I hadn't always had one, so I could understand how challenging it was -- but one night, coming home late from work, this girl demanded I give her a ride to her home town, like 3 hours away, at that hour! It was like 1 am, almost. I couldn't do it... and I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I put my foot down and said no. I got insulted a lot, and made into the bad guy. They completely socially punished me for this... A meeting with my pastor ended with him praying for me that I don't 'grow into a bitter old maid.' I had never had someone use a prayer as an opportunity to insult me under the guise of 'concern.'

And yes, I had guys lead me on there, and then move on to some other girl. Men at GCx know they have the upper hand, and though they are told supposedly, on the outside, to not lead girls on... it's a game to many of them.

My pastor once told me that he went to a restaurant by himself for breakfast one day.  Standing outside the door was a Christian guy handing out tracts or some kind of pro-Christian literature.  Anyway, handing out tracts to complete strangers has never been my pastor's favorite thing, but he decided to say something to the guy to encourage him.  He told him he was a Christian and he was encouraged by what he was doing.  Then the man said, "Well, then you should be out here with me."  I just hate it when people try to guilt-trip you into doing things.  There were a lot of people like that at GCx.

And as far as being lead on, I was lead on at GCx by someone, too.  but what bothered me was the sexist attitude they had about men and women.  I went to a men's meeting one time and they told us, "Don't ever, EVER play with a woman's emotions."  I agree with that.  but I felt like at times, they treated men like they had no emotions at all.  That guys were just supposed to be tough and not feel anything.  I knew girls- including the one who lead me on- who would say "God wants me to be impartial" which was just a God-label put on "I'm not interested."  Besides, they often showed partiality to certain guys.  So that was just crap.  

[FeministRebel]

And as far as being lead on, I was lead on at GCx by someone, too.  but what bothered me was the sexist attitude they had about men and women.  I went to a men's meeting one time and they told us, "Don't ever, EVER play with a woman's emotions."  I agree with that.  but I felt like at times, they treated men like they had no emotions at all.  That guys were just supposed to be tough and not feel anything.  I knew girls- including the one who lead me on- who would say "God wants me to be impartial" which was just a God-label put on "I'm not interested."  Besides, they often showed partiality to certain guys.  So that was just crap.  

You are very right. I tend to forget myself, and speak from a woman's perspective... but you are right. It was really all a game, and quite a few folks were 'players.' These are the dynamics that develop when you ban things which are in human nature to pursue -- getting to know one another, and falling in love.