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Author Topic: Finding a New Church Community  (Read 2894 times)
Wingless_Butterfly
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« on: April 18, 2020, 07:01:59 am »

Hey, guys. It's been a while since I checked in here, and I have to say that I love knowing that there's a corner of the internet where I don't have to go through lengths to explain myself. Thank you for being a place of rest.

I've been attending a new church for about a year and things have been going alright. The pastors are pretty legitimate, the preaching is biblical, they are mission-minded (meaning they see past the four walls of their own church and have a heart for supporting other organizations and churches in preaching the gospel), and they have an emphasis on counseling.

Everything is cool... except for the people themselves. Outside of the pastoral staff/their wives, I haven't felt the desire to connect with anyone there. I wanted to ask your thoughts on what my approach has been so far, and on what a healthy church community actually looks like. I have no idea, I've never been a part of one.

1. I'm a missionary for a non-profit mission organization. I am completely in love with their philosophy and the way they go about reaching unchurched people through a low pressure, open-minded, relational, "earn the right to talk about this and if they don't want to, respect that" method.

2. I have found deep community within this ministry. People there are different from one another in terms of age, personality, theology, doxology, intelligence level, preferences, etc. However, the common thread I've found among them is extreme grace and a deep desire to see teens come to Christ.

3. Since I started attending the church I'm going to now, I made it a point to attend small groups/bible studies. However, there have been a couple of guidelines I've used to ease back in, mostly based off of not trying to earn my keep:
    I don't tell them about my job, at least not right away. I don't want to be liked just because I'm a missionary. I don't want to impress them with my job.
  • I haven't joined in on any opportunity to serve. Partially because I need a day to rest from the serving I do M-F, and partly because I don't want them to like me because I serve.
  • The past year has included a bunch of personal trial. Husband losing his faith, departing from an abusive church, familial issues, miscarriage, and even some marital issues. I don't know these people. Outside of the pastors, I haven't really shared any of this because frankly, my heart feels too weak.

4. The people are... I'm not even sure how to describe it. I've noticed a one-size-fits-all approach to Godly living, healing, etc. Not a whole lot of space for people who are figuring things out. A lot of telling people they just need to believe or have faith or pray or whatever. My deepest struggle after leaving the GCM church has been departing from the idea that God requires some sort oof performance from me. From the pastors, I am often filled with messages and encouragement to find my rest in Christ, and cease striving. From the congregation, I often feel like I'm just not resting right. lol.


SO. My question:

I've thought about looking elsewhere. This doesn't seem like a good place to experience healing from a community. When I told the Pastor about my intentions, we had a really open conversation and he was really hands open about the whole thing, but he said he disagreed with the idea that I should look elsewhere. He said I just haven't been open enough with people, and if I were, I'd definitely see a difference.

But do I really have to open up and tell you my deep pain to buy their care and compassion? And how can I trust that they'll handle my pain with care when they haven't handled difference of opinion with care? (I once spoke up about how I think, if God is sovereign, we can't just totally absolve Him from all responsibility when it comes to pain and suffering in the world. If He's sovereign, that means He's ultimately responsible for the fact that it exists, even if He didn't create it. Y'all. It was a s*** show. And i went through GREAT PAINS to inform them that I wasn't questioning His character.)

What do you guys think?
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Janet Easson Martin
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« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2020, 09:33:43 pm »

Hi, Wingless Butterfly.  Just a couple of thoughts on some of the things you mentioned.

 First, the response of congregational members when you shared a difference of opinion.  It sounded like they “attacked” you.  If they were mature and full of the spirit they wouldn’t respond that way.  They would have gently and humbly explained where they were coming from.  

Second, when the pastor advised you not to look for another church that could possibly be a red flag.  It seems a wise and godly man would say ‘you should go where you feel God leading’ and maybe add ‘ but we’d loved to have you stay’.  Or, he could really care that you heal and doesn’t want you to give up too soon.

I’ve heard it said and have experienced that it takes a couple of years to make one or two good friends in a church.  It is harder to get to know people without going to smaller size gatherings within the church.

How they approach “you just need to believe, pray, etc.” is important.  They wouldn’t have much of a counseling ministry if they depended purely on “pat” answers to real problems. Getting some clarification on that might be helpful.  

I will pray for God’s guidance as you examine the real dynamics of this church.  The verse below I read today reminded me not to put my hope in people (even good people) because they can’t always meet my needs. And it prompted me to remember when God more than filled my deepest longings.

“But You are a shield around me, O Lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”

Psalm 3



« Last Edit: April 19, 2020, 08:16:09 am by Janet Easson Martin » Logged

For grace is given not because we have done good works, but in order that we may be able to do them.        - Saint Augustine
Huldah
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« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2020, 04:09:10 pm »

Wingless Butterfly, there have been several times in the past when we've had to find a new church, due to being former military and moving every three or four years. I don't think I ever visited a church where we were told, "Oh, it's important that you be at the church that's right for you, even if it's not this church." To the best of my memory, every church wanted to persuade us that their church was the right church.

I personally am not the kind of person who could "open up" just because a pastor thinks I should. I need to have a pretty solid sense that the people I'm opening up to are "safe," if that makes sense.

If you want to look for a church that's a better fit, you are free in Christ to do so, just as you're free to stay where you are if you would prefer to do that. Based on what you wrote, I think I'd keep looking, if I were in your position. Either way, though, I don't see staying or going as a moral issue. It's just a question of finding the best fit for you.
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Wingless_Butterfly
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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2020, 03:00:43 pm »

Just an update: I chose to look for a new church. If I would have stayed, it fully would have been due to feeling pressured, and I decided to ignore all the people-pleasing bones in my body and just move.

Pray for me, friends Smiley
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margaret
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« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2020, 09:27:54 am »

Good for you, for ignoring the people-pleasing tendencies! It's never too late to learn that lesson.

It's been several years since I have felt a need to even go to church.  The skepticism in me is still strong.

Best to you!
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WoodBern82
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« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2020, 05:23:48 pm »

Wingless.  there are some good pointers in this youtube about finding a solid church.  You may not agree with all of it but its got some overall good ideas for anyone.  the last place you will learn about how to pick a good church fellowship is from a gcm church.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHNS5TIV-5M
outline of the video
 10 questions you should ask. let the video give you the real guts of each of these points I listed.
1. What do they believe?
2. How is the teaching?  (is it Biblical?)
3. Worship… Does the worship glorify God?  
4. Youth, Children:  Do they disciple or just occupy?
5. Does this church really follow Jesus?
6. Do they outreach?  Could be a variety of venues
7. Can you fellowship with these people?  And is it close enough?
8. Are they weird?  yes its actually in the video.  example is majoring in the minors.  are they shepherding? obsessed with money?
9. Can you serve at this church?
10.  Are they my best option?

 from the posts I see in this forum GCM probably most often has issues with #8

see what you think of the teacher.  I like the videos I have seen from him so far.  
« Last Edit: May 17, 2020, 05:25:43 pm by WoodBern82 » Logged
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