Hey, guys. It's been a while since I checked in here, and I have to say that I love knowing that there's a corner of the internet where I don't have to go through lengths to explain myself. Thank you for being a place of rest.
I've been attending a new church for about a year and things have been going alright. The pastors are pretty legitimate, the preaching is biblical, they are mission-minded (meaning they see past the four walls of their own church and have a heart for supporting other organizations and churches in preaching the gospel), and they have an emphasis on counseling.
Everything is cool... except for the people themselves. Outside of the pastoral staff/their wives, I haven't felt the desire to connect with anyone there. I wanted to ask your thoughts on what my approach has been so far, and on what a healthy church community actually looks like. I have no idea, I've never been a part of one.
1. I'm a missionary for a non-profit mission organization. I am completely in love with their philosophy and the way they go about reaching unchurched people through a low pressure, open-minded, relational, "earn the right to talk about this and if they don't want to, respect that" method.
2. I have found deep community within this ministry. People there are different from one another in terms of age, personality, theology, doxology, intelligence level, preferences, etc. However, the common thread I've found among them is extreme grace and a deep desire to see teens come to Christ.
3. Since I started attending the church I'm going to now, I made it a point to attend small groups/bible studies. However, there have been a couple of guidelines I've used to ease back in, mostly based off of not trying to earn my keep:
I don't tell them about my job, at least not right away. I don't want to be liked just because I'm a missionary. I don't want to impress them with my job.
- I haven't joined in on any opportunity to serve. Partially because I need a day to rest from the serving I do M-F, and partly because I don't want them to like me because I serve.
- The past year has included a bunch of personal trial. Husband losing his faith, departing from an abusive church, familial issues, miscarriage, and even some marital issues. I don't know these people. Outside of the pastors, I haven't really shared any of this because frankly, my heart feels too weak.
4. The people are... I'm not even sure how to describe it. I've noticed a one-size-fits-all approach to Godly living, healing, etc. Not a whole lot of space for people who are figuring things out. A lot of telling people they just need to believe or have faith or pray or whatever. My deepest struggle after leaving the GCM church has been departing from the idea that God requires some sort oof performance from me. From the pastors, I am often filled with messages and encouragement to find my rest in Christ, and cease striving. From the congregation, I often feel like I'm just not resting right. lol.
SO. My question:
I've thought about looking elsewhere. This doesn't seem like a good place to experience healing from a community. When I told the Pastor about my intentions, we had a really open conversation and he was really hands open about the whole thing, but he said he disagreed with the idea that I should look elsewhere. He said I just haven't been open enough with people, and if I were, I'd definitely see a difference.
But do I really have to open up and tell you my deep pain to buy their care and compassion? And how can I trust that they'll handle my pain with care when they haven't handled difference of opinion with care? (I once spoke up about how I think, if God is sovereign, we can't just totally absolve Him from all responsibility when it comes to pain and suffering in the world. If He's sovereign, that means He's ultimately responsible for the fact that it exists, even if He didn't create it. Y'all. It was a s*** show. And i went through GREAT PAINS to inform them that I wasn't questioning His character.)
What do you guys think?