I want to be your friend!

Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

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[AgathaL'Orange]

I edited this post because I felt that it came down hard on people that I consider to be my friends. And while I think we all sometimes made mistakes and allowed an unhealthy zeal to creep in, for the most part I think people truly meant well.

However, I question why it is that the pastors and members seem to feel so obligated! I can’t understand where this pressure is actually coming from. I think it comes from the early history of the movement, but I am not sure. Anyway, I just want to clarify that I love our GCM friends. I hurts to see people live lives full of feelings of inadequacy and constant movement. So please know that this is not intended to fault anyone.

The first thing I said, when we left after our first visit at our GCM church was, “Either that is the friendliest church ever, or it is a cult.” NO KIDDING. Now I would like to clarify that I do not think it is a cult… so don’t worry! And so we invested years of our lives on the bet that it was actually the friendliest church we had ever been to. Imagine how I felt to find a community of people that I felt were like me when I walked into a GCM church. HUGE families. Most of them homeschoolers. And boy were we made to feel special. We were greeted by simply everyone. And they were really, really nice.

I remember bragging about how dedicated our church was. How practical. How on fire for God. How people memorized and read their Bibles. How there were so many stay at home moms. How they were raising their kids to be amazingly productive leaders.

I blended my thinking into theirs until I couldn’t tell the difference. I forgot what was me and what was them. And I never questioned. And I tried to get more people to join. I noticed that I wasn’t meeting people when they walked in because I really wanted to get to know them. I was putting on the Sunday Morning Act which was to ACT really nice and friendly and welcoming so new people would want to come back. I began to notice how if I talked to people on Sunday morning who were CORE members, their eyes would be scanning over my head to look for a new person. And they would say, “Oh excuse me, there is a new person… better go meet them.” I would be standing there thinking, “What am I chopped liver?” Or even better was someone making their way across the room towards you, who when they got there would say, “Have you met so and so why don’t you go meet them?” I have to admit I did this myself to others. Well, I guess you teach what you’ve learned.

1. Visitor– you will be wined, dined, courted, called, given flowers, or a welcome visit, greeted, generally made much of
2. Getting involved–wow… new roles, responsibilities… these people really want us here.
3. CORE member– you are now in the trenches… you are a brother or a sister… (sometimes literally greeted this way). May be faithful attender-servant/deacon track CORE or zealous-leadership track CORE.
4. Leader— Answer to not too many and do a whole lot.

We were now CORE. That was why the friendships sort of dwindled. We had had such great friendships we had thought. I considered some of these people to be my best friends! We had gone out to eat together, on trips. But something had changed. There was this sort of “we’re all in the trenches now” mentality. Why would we want to go out for coffee or share a meal together? You’re here. You’re staying. Kind of like a boring old married couple when romance has gone by the wayside. This is where the truth of who people are really comes out. And I say, “Cool!” I am cool with people being themselves. Maybe they just tired of us, but I began to hear some kookie things.

I literally heard a person say, “My husband has decided that I should not continue to call or do things with ____________ because it really isn’t going anywhere and I should not invest any more time in her life.” This person that wasn’t worth an investment in time was a strong Christian woman who was very dedicated to helping others! I am still not sure what friend #1 meant by this. But it was then that I saw that “relationships” were not “friendships.” They were utilitarian connections. Truly. A man once made a pledge with his friend that he would not talk to friends on Sunday morning. Then he changed it to he would be able to talk to other friends, but AFTER he had met all the new people (I am sure that made his friends feel better.)

Was it all an act? That first day we visited the church, a promise of friendship was made that led to nowhere after awhile. I still wonder why they were unusually friendly.

[Genevieve]

So true, Agatha! You’re really onto something here. It’s all part of the “bait and switch” I wrote about earlier. I’m so glad you’re not there anymore!

[Anonymous]

WOW, you nailed it on the head! Your post captured so much of what my GCM experience was as well. I remember being encouraged to participate in a drive to get people to spend the first 15 minutes after the service greeting new people…feeling guilty for not attending small group regularly (and even asking a fellow member to “hold me accountable”!)…pastors speaking about how they encouraged their children to be selective about who they spend time with (i.e. not wasting their time on certain friends…which, by the way, I think I was on the receiving end of on at least one occasion in high school, after the kids were done being extra nice to me for the first few months I attended)…and more! Hindsight is 20/20, and it all seems so odd now that I look back…but at the time those kind of things were just the norm. I do miss many of the people there, but am SO glad to be done with all of the garbage that came from that place. BLAH!!!!

[Anonymous]

I also think that you have hit it on the head. But, I’m still attending a GCM location. I have seen, over the 10+ years of attendance, a definite waining in the friendships that we started with.
We were accepted and, it is not an overstatement, courted when we first began attending. We got involved in serving, small group and the rest of it. Still are. But I feel that if I left tomorrow, I would have to start over with a whole new set of friends. I have known these folks for YEARS and I don’t have confidence that it will continue if, and when, we leave. That is a major bummer and I truly feel that it is a hopped-up, sacrificial, super-christian, and pious vision that we are all held to that can move us away from simply loving each other for who we are and where we’re at.
It makes us very sad.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this sort of thing over and over. Someone becomes somebody’s “project” and for a while they are lavished with attention. When the project doesn’t ‘grow’ at the speed expected they soon find themselves yesterday’s news and replaced by the new project friend. Not sure what part of GCM’s beliefs creates this behavior, but it seems to be quite common. At least in my experience.

[AgathaL'Orange]

It made me feel more like a “tool” than a person. And, although I feel “over it” now. I feel for people who are just now realizing that they don’t have as many “real” friends as they thought!

I have heard it taught from GCM pulpits… even national ones… that to think of yourself in this way is sick, wrong, just completely selfish, and against “God’s heart for the church.” But I disagree, to be involved with GCM is to give a lot if not all of who you are (at least in my experience) or to be willing to share your life with many. This requires a certain level of trust and vulnerability. I, personally, would like to know who my real friends are before I make myself that vulnerable. So I think it’s valid to evaluate relationships… and I don’t think we should feel guilty about it at all.

All you anonymous people… thanks for posting your experiences!

[hope]

i mean this in the most loving way possible- but sometimes- i think you guys just over analyze stuff way too much.



could it be that people just want to have a good time at church, and want to make all who come feel welcome and special? i really don’t see the harm in this. at my old GCM church- everybody was late piling into the service because we were all out in the hall “catching up” with everybody, meeting new people and just having a good time!



i don’t have time to be everyone’s “best friend”. but i do have at least 5 minutes every Sunday morning to introduce myself to someone new and let them know that I’m glad they have come.



all relationships ebb and flow. there are long periods in my life where i have hung out a lot with one group of people and not so much with others. there can be so many factors in this. time constraints and common interests are two big ones that immediately come to mind. it doesn’t have anything to do with me being insincere with my relationships or loosing interest in people. just going to a different service time at church can make you hang out with a new group of people and not have as much time to see others.



i have left my GCM church and i still consider myself friends with all those people. i just don’t see them as much that’s all.

besides- i’m not one to sit by the phone and cry, “why won’t someone call me?” if i want to go see somebody- i just go and see them. and that’s that.



and about the whole “project” thing- that reminds me of a situation that i’m currently in actually….



in my new non-GCM church i have a friend that i don’t have that much in common with. outside of church- she probably isn’t someone that would normally hang out with. she’s not someone that i would turn to for advice but instead it appears that she sort of looks up to me and so i have made an effort to befriend her- talk to her about personal stuff, be a sounding-board, and offer my advice when asked for it.



from your descriptions above- if you came to my church I think some of you might think i consider her to be a “project” of mine. this girl has a lot of problems (as we all do!) and sometimes it can be really draining and frustrating to be her friend. there are times when i just want to throw in the towel and stop wasting my time. but those are the times when i have to pray that the Lord will grant me patience and an unconditional love for her.



and even though on the outside it might appear to me (at times) that i don’t get anything out of the friendship- i know that the relationship IS mutual because i know that through it - God is teaching me about patience, love, understanding, and how to be a better friend.



so, at the risk of this girl feeling like my “project” should i just not be her friend? I don’t think so.

[Adam Hirschhorn]

“Love bombing” is a cult tactic.



hope, why are you talking about that friendship out of turn, emphasizing how much you are idolized and how much patience it takes? Chances are, you report about that friendship to other “friends”– people who are more core than you, folks you “look up to”.



A friendship is a relationship between peers, equals. If this person is truly a friend to you, then treat that friendship with respect. Stop looking down your nose at them. Use discretion and stop talking about them out of turn. As much honesty as you’ve shared with us, shared with her instead and using a bit of tact, might go a long way in making that friendship truly rewarding and mutual. Does this person want you to be a friend or a mentor? Do the unthinkable and ask her advice. Instead of deciding for her.



Soooo. At the risk of this girl actually being your friend, you should offer her an explanation as to why she secretly tries your patience so. Maybe she will never be the kind of peer whose perspective you value. In that case you should encourage her to seek out better friends. Everyone deserves those kind of friends.



AH

[Dax]

Friendship Evangelism has been a part of American Christianity as long as the footprints story!



It’s amazing how all the gripes that people have in this blog are targeted at only GCM churches.



If someone hadn’t torn themselves from their click and come talked to me and my girlfriend when we walked into the rock church, I would have never come to a saving knowledge of Christ. I’m still friends with these people.



However, I do not agree with friendship evangelism. I do believe in stepping out of your comfort zone and sphere of influence and inviting people who would have otherwise probably felt rejected due to omission of any kind of welcome.



“I become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.” - Paul the Apostle 1COR 9:22



I guess I’m just more concerned about learning to put myself out there to bring people into a family that though imperfect, will hopefully be able to cater to their spiritual needs…

[AgathaL'Orange]

I wrote this post and I would not classify it as friendship evangelism at all. I was already a Christian when I attended this church. I came to discover that I had no real friends. The kind that go out for coffee or go shopping with you or get together for no reason.

My church practiced “people as projects” and “people as tools.” Friendships were “investments in the kingdom.” Trust me it was not friendship evangelism.

[Adam Hirschhorn]

Love bombing is not when you step out in faith to make a new relationship simply because you feel moved by the spirit to do so. Love bombing is a pre-arranged showering of attention from multiple people. When the Rock passes out instructions on making the most of friday/saturday might worship time which include very specific instructions for targetting newcomers, in the context of a culture where relationships are commonly reported about out of turn, and generally not appreciated simply and intrinsically, you have necessary elements in place for “love bombing”. The newcomer feels incredibly accepted and welcome, but only later learns that acceptance comes at a price.



Most of the Bible’s instructions about conduct during worship remarkably do not include directions for targetting newcomers. It instead, I seem to have read, focuses on reverence and ways to best receive the Holy Spirit. A person who actually believes in the presence of the Holy Spirit and focuses their worship time accordingly might actually find a different view about how relationships spontaneously form/are directed by God. I don’t mean to kick anyone’s can if they have been turned off to the teachings of the Bible. Some of us just read it differently than GC teaches.



Since “love bombing” can be considered a cult practice, is not directed by scripture, and is not necessary to a Bible believing church, I recommend that the unnecessary elements that lead to it be abandoned immediately.

[puff of purple smoke]

For the record, I think it’s fine to seek out and welcome newcomers, and think “love bombing” could be very hard to prove in the context of first time meetings. Who would want to visit a church and have nobody notice or talk to you at all? I’ve had that happen, not my preferred greeting experience.

I do think the friendship issues I personally have with GC come into play when people get into the blurry line of “discipleship friendships.” When your discipler’s perception of your dedication to God determines the value you have as a friend and person, that’s unhealthy. When people are being prioritized based upon this, I get very uncomfortable.

There was just so much judgment and ranking of other people in my GC experience. I still can’t believe that small group leaders had the audacity to tell people not to talk about leaders and what they taught “behind their backs” (this message came up over and over again), yet it was acceptable for them to talk openly with other leaders about every personal detail they had been told by the people they were discipling! Without even asking for permission to share those things. Gah.

[AgathaL'Orange]

I most definitely have a problem with the Sunday morning act. It’s just not normal. I think that it amounts to fakery when there are rules like only talk to new people for the first 15 minutes after church or like my friend who wouldn’t talk to me on Sundays at all.

That is just not normal friend behavior.

To this day, I am weirded out if anyone greets me in an abnormal way. Just say, “Good morning” or something normal like that. There’s no reason to walk away already close friends unless that’s really the type of person you are. I am this way often naturally, but my husband isn’t and he felt a lot of pressure and was even told to be more outgoing.

It is in my opinion yet another example of how GC has to exert control over the simplest areas of freedom… who you will speak to… how you will do it… and when you should.

You know, we’re all adults now… we don’t need manners training. I think we can figure out that you should welcome new comers and be nice. I don’t think there needs to be rules about it.

Most definitely I would categorize it as Love Bombing as Adam has.

[Adam Hirschhorn]

Funny thing, at the church I’ve finally settled down in, there were the coincidental relationships I already had, including people I didn’t know were going, and no extra outrageous overtures… which probably would have sent me booking. The pastor somehow recognizes my differences and occasionally finds me for a brief chat. He understands it’s going to take a while until I trust more. What keeps me coming back are the messages.



It’s totally understandable if one takes their GC experience and thinks of going to another religious service with bad goosebumps and heebiejeebies. Connection with other human beings is still part of the prescription. Don’t go feral Being a regular at a coffeehouse and making friends on myspace was part of my process. I spent a lot of time actively seeking a new church and finding good reasons to reject a few of them until I felt I was in a place that respected individual choice. Rejecting religion altogether doesn’t release you from the obligation to make good choices–there are non-religious groups which can be fanatical and cultish. All in all I still believe that God is watching over us and that we have Him to thank for correcting a monumentally blunderous detour.

[Gretchen]

Two things come to mind.



I remember after we decided to leave GCwhatever, but also to move back to X City where we had been associated with them, the move being motivated by job considerations. We attended a social function for a dear friend who was still with that “work,” as were the vast majority of the people at the function. A young man met us, heard that we had been part of GCwhatever of X City, and immediately began peppering us with friendly overtures. I was horrified to realize that I could see right through him. For the first time in my life, I saw what I must have looked like for all those years, falling all over myself to “show hospitality” to a “contact.” I came very close to telling him: “Save your breath, buddy, we have other plans for church here in X City.”



Second memory: Years later, we moved again. I met a woman at a parent function, again at the local library, etc. She invited me out for coffee. We got together a few times. She was also new in town. It became apparent to me that she had no reason to want to see me other than our common interests and situations. It also dawned on me that I had forgotten how to be someone’s friend just because I liked them, they liked me, and we enjoyed each other’s company. I am happy to report that by God’s grace I was at last able to realize that this was a very serious gap in my education! To this day, she is the only woman I spend time with for no particular reason, and I treasure and defend my friendship with her for that very reason.

[Gretchen]

PS sorry should have said this before. My second experience came 5 years, three moves, and three churches after leaving GCwhatever. This utilitarian attitude towards relationships is definitely a huge problem in the American Church as a whole, not just in GCwhatever churches. My unsaved friends, neighbors, etc., seem to know how to relate to people much more honestly.

[Reba]

Although I did enjoy some of the friendships that I had during my GCC years (1982-1987), I was not at all comfortable when the church required that all small groups read “How to Make Friends, and Influence People.”

I think it was then that sharing and trusting what I said to others in my small group was uncomfortable. I remember the small group leader ask the group what they thought of the book and since I’m somewhat outspoken, I said that I thought it was rather manipulative.

I understand that GCC wanted to grow at that time, however, I felt that it would be more appropiate for small group to read spiritual based reading.

[Jim]

Get out of my way!  I'm trying to reach the world!!!!