Teaching the Younger Women to Love Their Husbands
Dawn Bovenmyer
Stonebrook Community Church
Ames, IA
Dave and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary this year...long to some of you and short to others! As I thought about the topic, loving your husband, I got excited about sharing a few of the "basics" that I've learned over the years, and also freshly stimulated to keep pressing on as a loving wife.
To me, loving your husband and respecting your husband are synonymous. I've learned, and continue to be reminded, that respect is the foundation of love. If a man feels respected, he feels loved. Period. The all-familiar Ephesians 5:22-33 passage suggests this, as it instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands.
As a young wife, I wanted to know what "respect" (love) looked like, so in the early days of our marriage, I turned to 1 Peter 3:2 in my Amplified Bible and found some action verbs to chew on. "You are to feel for him all that reverence includes-to respect, defer to, revere him; to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and in the human sense adore him; and adore means to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love and enjoy your husband."
Wow! I could stop right now and just let us mull over and daily apply each of those verbs for a few weeks, and watch our husbands' faces light up (and our marriages sizzle)!
Honestly though, it is so easy to get distracted with life and all that it holds and NOT admire, adore, praise, and deeply love our husbands. Selfishness comes so easily, and with it dissatisfactions. Admittedly, one of my biggest tendencies as a wife has been to want to change my husband. You know, tweak him in all the spots where I think he may be deficient.
Dave often shares a fun and insightful joke with young engaged couples-here it is. "What are the three things that are always present at a wedding? The aisle, the altar, and singing hymns. Put them together and what do you get? Aisle, alter, hymn." Translation, "I'll alter him," for those of you who are still scratching your heads! (You may need to read that again to get it.)
Yes, we wives can so easily get into the "I'll alter him" mode. I recently read the book, Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. In it she refers to the three kinds of husbands, "Mr. Command," "Mr. Visionary," and "Mr. Steady." Each of these reflects an important aspect of God's character; most men typically tend to reflect one of these categories more dominantly in their life.
As I read this chapter, I realized that I had been confused on what Dave should "look like." Rather than accepting and giving thanks for how God had made him, part of me was always praying and hoping that he would take on the strengths of all three...become the "perfect man," if you will. As Debi so aptly puts it, "wisdom is knowing what you 'bought' when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be." What a relief to know we can accept, appreciate, and adapt to our man, just as God made him. It removes the burden of trying to change him, and also lifts that subtle burden of expectation that we so often place on our husband as well.
So what if there are some things that we feel our husband truly needs to change or grow in? How can I best love and help him? I love Mardean Martindale's encouragement over the years-simply put, become a prayer warrior for your husband. All those "needs" can be cast at the Savior's feet for His sifting and addressing. If God decides you should be a vital part of the solution, He will clearly let you know! And might I add, may we be wives who are often thanking God for our husbands...strengths, weaknesses, and all. Remember, the weaknesses keep our men humble!
Lastly, I want to focus on what I have come to understand as the "mother-load" of loving your husband-sexual intimacy. When we first married, I was admittedly surprised by the interest and desire that Dave had in this area. I had not realized how important sex was to a man! I certainly was NOT wired that way, but over the years, I have come to understand and appreciate what sex means to Dave. More than just a physical act, it is his deepest avenue of displaying love to me. Rather than my feeling like a used object, important only for sex, God has shown me that it is because of Dave's great love, respect, and delight in me that he desires sexual intimacy. It is his way of demonstrating his love, and allows him to deeply connect with me-not just physically, but emotionally as well.
When I respond (and yes, even initiate!), I believe it is one of my greatest opportunities to show love and respect back to him. Protect this all-important area; ask God to tear down obstacles, misunderstandings, and past hurts that may hamper or undermine your physical intimacy.
Honestly, ladies, I have come to believe that my sexual relationship with my husband is a very accurate barometer of the state of our relationship as a whole.
So there you have it, my "basics" for loving your husband which include, respect that admires, appreciates, and accepts your man, and cultivating an eager and responsive heart to meet his sexual needs. Though there are countless ways to love your husband, I hope these few offerings will inspire you to press on in the days ahead, loving and following Christ in this privileged and all-important area.
Dawn Bovenmyer
If you would like to respond to Dawn, email
info@gccweb.org.
