Son married girl of GCx leader

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[healingmom]

Hello:

My son's dad is a leader in a GCx church and just married a girl whose dad is also leader in a GCx too.  They appear to genuinely love each other.  However, I am concerned that my son will never leave this group now that he has more ties to it.  I also don't want to push too hard as I want to stay part of the couple's lives’ and my future grandchildren's lives too.

The wedding was weird.  The pastors were elevated to a status that was unsettling ting.  Most if not all wedding planning was taken away from me. It turned into basically church meetings. For the rehearsal dinner, no seat was reserved for my husband and me and we ended up sitting at the end of a long banquet table of 60 people, at the opposite end of the bride and groom and all the other parents.

At the wedding, my ex-husband wanted to take the seat usually reserved for the mother-of-the-groom.  I could go on and on about the wedding itself too.  I don't know if it is because of complete lack of knowledge of worldliness and etiquette or passive aggressiveness, or both, but what is wrong with these people?  I do not blame the young couple by the way.  There are multiple leaders at this church and an all-pastor photo was taken and this was the one of the front album cover on Facebook of the wedding photos.  When did the pastors become more important than the couple getting married?

The wedding reception was additionally difficult as I had left this cult 18 years ago and now just seeing most of these members for the first time since.  During the wedding reception, one of pastor’s wives when I was in the cult, grabbed me from behind, wouldn’t let go, and started weeping into my neck and blubbering.  I told her to go away. The reason I left was because I began questioning the church’s practices and belief’s. Soon, everyone abandoned me, including my now ex-husband.  He was married to the church first, after all – and not me -, so why would he betray his first love?

By the way, I heard that the church was calling this "The Royal Wedding" because it involved two pastor kids.  Both pastors had been joking about marrying off their kids to each other since they were infants, FYI. I know because I was there and endured this brainwashing first hand.  Both were then groomed to lead the men and women’s college ministry groups.

I look at my new daughter-in-law who has been raised in this environment her whole life and what it would take for her to think on her own.  My son has at least been raised by me and then joined his father as an adult.  The good part is that I adore both kids and I think my new daughter-in-law is a lovely creature.  I will embrace her as my own and treat her with respect, dignity and affection.

Still healing … healingmom.

[lone gone]

Not surprised at all.

I remember one wedding that I attended as a member of Ames Fellowship Church.  The groom was a brother in good standing and had taken a job in Washington DC in the office of a congressman. The bride was a beautiful young lady who'd been a member since the church had 80 people in it.  They were the "golden couple"  off to Washington to be influential and important.

Side note:This was around the time that Jim McCotter was becoming very interested in Politics and trying to influence elections. I was part of the demonstrations outside the Republican Convention at the Kansas City Convention Center. Four years later I went to participate in the demonstrations outside Madison Square Garden in New York City  at the Democreatic National Convention.

Back to the wedding;   It was held in a nearby Lutheran Church just off campus. The entire membership of the church was in attendance and we sang many of our evangelism songs....  Hundreds of voices singing together about the great commission.

Later we joked about how the families of the groom and bride sure had the Gospel presented to them in a BIG way.....

[EverAStudent]

Dear HealingMom,

You have my sympathies and empathy.  There is simply no good excuse for the church, the Body of Christ, to treat other people (believers or not) in any way except as beloved neighbors whom God desires to be His own adopted children.  Parents should always be honored above pastors by their own children.

GC church leaders and members are VERY aware of cultural norms and protocols with regard to weddings.  It is simply that they hate these protocols because it takes the church leadership out of the spotlight.  Like most every other event weddings are seen as a politcal stage on which to celebrate the superiority of the GC denomination.  Treating non-member parents with obvious disdain is a way of scaring or warning members not to jump ship away from GC ("or this could be your fate when your kids get married!").

It is wonderful that the kids still talk with you.  It is even more wonderful that you have determined to treat her with love and respect.  Allow God to work, to change their hearts, for only God can change the human heart for good.  You do not need to endorse GC, but refrain from being overly negative about the denomination in the presence of your son and daughter-in-law. 

[healingmom]

Dear Everastudent:

I appreciated what you said very much. It resonated with me.  My husband and I have determined long ago that we would not bring up the issue of GC or speak disparingly of it unless the kids asked.  I would like at some time the opportunity, if asked, to tell my story as I think it would be important for them to know what hurt I have been through.

Both believe they are serving God and their service is a beautiful thing and they are beautiful creatures. We will support them in what they feel is right in their hearts. I once was invovled in their church and I know no one can be forced.  It has to come from within them.  We also want to spend time with them and be part of their lives and our future granchildren's lives.

What distrubs me is after I made my initial post, I received an email from a troll, assuming that it was me who made the post. As a reminder, my post did not identify any person, church or location by name.  It was an email from one of the other pastor's wife posing as someone who used to be in this specific church but left and trying to get informaiton from me.

Then, the pastor who officiated the wedding (and the troll's wife) emailed me on my personal email (how did he get my email address?) addressing what I wrote. I found this exceptionally invasive. This is a forum for those who have left GCx churches to heal, to vent, to exchange. I guess I just didn't expect that it would be under surveillance. If I wanted to talk to him about these issues, I would have contacted him. 

FYI this was my response to him: 

According to Dr. Ronald Enroth in "How to Spot an Abusive Church," he outlines six manipulative tools of control that church leaders use -- one of them is surveillance.
 
I was pleased with everything the bride and groom planned.
Has this happened to anyone else?

[EverAStudent]

HealingMom, I just did a quick check on your profile after I read your post.  Your email address is NOT protected and IS visible in your member profile.  I suspect that you need to set a security function to hide it from public and from member view.  They probably got your email from this forum in that way. 

I am sorry they did this to you, but that is the way GC operates.  And yes, they do keep tabs on ex-members via this forum, which is why so many on the forum are intentionally anonymous.

[healingmom]

EverAStudent:

Thanks for the heads up. I thought I had hidden my email address when I set up my profile, but I guess I missed a step. Done now.  This is seriously creepy that a church would use surveillance of ex-members.  Please explain what you think the rationale is for this ... this seems very preverse to me. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this one. Wow is all I can come up with. Just wow.

HealingMom.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Dear Healing Mom,

I'm glad you posted.  I would imagine there are others in a position similar to yours.  You have not caused the pain, but others building this IDOL (GCx) have plundered and looted you and your family.  Unfortunately those who do not agree with their "religious structure" become the enemy, in order to preserve their system, NOT the unity of the Spirit .  This is BAD FRUIT, which is what the New Testament says that false teachers produce.  The self-exultation of the leaders superceeding the wonderful purpose of the ceremony is also BAD FRUIT.  It reminds me of the words of Jesus:

"Everything they do is done for men to see;  They make their phylacteries (boxes of scripture worn on the the forehead) wide and tassels on their garments long; they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them 'Rabbi'."  

_{Matthew 23:5-7}

Jesus tells us not to follow their example:  "But do not do what they DO, for they do not practice what they preach.  They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders"   _{(Matthew 23:3,4)}

This is why false teachers are hard to identify.  The fraud is not always evident in their PUBLIC words but, rather most identifiable in their actions, their FRUIT .  Oh my gosh, the BAD FRUIT testified to on this site is just a portion of what shameful deeds have been done in "God's Name" by them.  Victims of the SPIRITUAL ABUSE of GCx are far and wide, but people do not post because of the very thing you cited above - "suspicious" surveillance and hurtful harrassement.  And, I think, they don't feel their personal witness to this treacherous abuse will make any difference to it's end.  

BUT, God says to the false prophets:

"Is it not because I have long been silent that you do not fear me?
I will expose your righteousness and your works, and they will not benefit you.  
When you cry out for help, let your collection of idols save you!
The wind will carry all of them off,
a mere breath will blow them away."

"But the man who makes me his refuge will inherit the land and possess my holy mountain."

_{(Isaiah 57:12,13)}

To those wounded by them he promises:

"I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."

_{(Isaiah 57:15b)}

Your post was an exposure of the abuse by this group, not a grievance with your son and daughter-in-law, and I thought it was very contrite.


From One Whose Plundered and Looted Fortunes Have Been Much Restored by HIM,

Janet


P.S.  I did read Dr. Ronald Enroth's Book, Churches That Abuse, just a few years after I left GCx.  Although I knew GCx was bad, the book helped me to SEE a little more, that it was worse than I understood.  It is so hard to hear BAD NEWS so close to us because we feel we cannot handle it.  I was still rather shook up after I read it.  DENIAL is such a strong guardian, but it prevents realization of a problem, and that realization is the beginning of HEALING.  Jesus DEFINITELY does not intend for us to handle hard reality on our OWN.  We must POUR OUT our heart to him, our confusion, our shock, our emotional instability SO THAT he can begin to heal us.  It is in this process of seeking him in desparation that we get to know him best because he responds so, so, so compassionately to us.  (I believe his hurt for us brings him to tears - no less than he did for Mary, Martha, and their friends when their dear brother was gone.)  His tender affections and comfort are the very thing that start to amaze, comfort, and mend our broken, contrite heart.  When I'm in a place like this, I cry out (literally) to him in desparation, then ask him to comfort me in His Word, then open my bible, and read until he does.  

[ISU Alumna]

Wow.
Spying. Lying. Spreading dissension.
 
It seems that the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. Or in other words: once a cult, always a cult.

All I can say, HealingMom, is that the love between you and your son is beautiful. I'm so glad that he hasn't cut you out of his life, in spite of all the negative influences surrounding him. May that love continue to grow.

[calgal]

We need to pray

[Neverbeengcm]

Healing mom,

I pray that your son and his new bride find the strength and the courage to leave the GCx church before they have children. All of God's children deserve a chance to decide their own destiny and be happy in their daily lives. I also pray that you continue to heal from the hurt caused by the GCx leader and his unwitting followers.

[healingmom]

An update:

Well, the kids returned from their honeymoon and had a great time.  My new daughter-in-law returned with step throad and my son took her too the ER and stayed home to take care of her. I felt like my son is going to make a terrific husband!

I spoke with my son about what I posted and got his feedback.  As you may remember, the pastor had already read it and emailed me. It provided a good opportunity for us talk -  about our dual priorities (to have a good son/mother and now extended step father / mother in-law relationships).  We also spoke that the wedding was hard for me since I was a former member who left on strained terms. I stressed my geniune love and respect for both of them.

Comments like the following are difficult for him to hear and for me to discuss.:

However, I am concerned that my son will never leave this group now that he has more ties to it. 

Has anyone else experience this?  I try to separate between respecting him and trusting him as a Christian man, while not believing the GCx system in which he is worshiping is right.

I clarified to him that what I meant was that this was "day of" by just a few women in the kitchen and that I felt included by he and his new wife in wedding planning:

Most if not all wedding planning was taken away from me.

I was trying to honor what my new daughter-in-law wanted me to help with and was circumvented. However, this had nothing to do with the bride and groom.

I felt bad that I criticized this aspect.

For the rehearsal dinner, no seat was reserved for my husband and me and we ended up sitting at the end of a long banquet table of 60 people, at the opposite end of the bride and groom and all the other parents.

I had assumed that we were slighted by my ex-husband who planned the event. It turns out that the couple decided to make the dinner "casual" and didn't assign seats. I guess I'm used to assigned seats for this sort of semi-formal affair. Egg (ego) on my face. The bride and groom should be able to plan the dinner as they please.

I now understand this was a person not hired by my son and his bride.

There are multiple leaders at this church and an all-pastor photo was taken and this was the one of the front album cover on Facebook of the wedding photos.  When did the pastors become more important than the couple getting married?

By the way, I heard that the church was calling this "The Royal Wedding" because it involved two pastor kids.  Both pastors had been joking about marrying off their kids to each other since they were infants, FYI. I know because I was there and endured this brainwashing first hand.  Both were then groomed to lead the men and women’s college ministry groups.

. I think I have to acknowledge that this may come out of some fear on my part. I see a pattern in GCx, I saw this to be true in my experience of courtship. I should not assume that it is true necessarily of my two lovely kids now.

Still healing ... still growing and always learning to love my son and now my new daughter-in-law. Any advice would be appreciated.
 

[EverAStudent]

First, excellent job in communicating and in being honest with your kids.  Assumptions (especially false ones) can be relationship killers when left unaddressed.

Your kids now know your sensitivity on the issues.  This ought to help them make more of an effort to intentionally act in loving ways to you.

While some of the hurtful things toward you, like the seating, may not have been intentional or planned, the practical outcome still illustrates the mentality of the group.  With an event like that what people-serving and humble pastor would seat himself next to the couple without first saying, "mother of the groom, you need to be sitting here"? 

Keep the lines of discussion open with your kids.  Gently remind them when their actions are unloving, whether they intended their actions to be unkind or not.  If nothing else it will keep your relationship strong and may even help keep them balanced as Christ grows them.