loss of many

I have years and years (literally) of good memories. The city I was saved in, the fun and rock climbing. The summer that followed, I dealt with the death of two of my friends, and my last remaining grandparent passed away. My small group leader, roomate, and best friend, stood beside me; she wanted to be there when I needed her and supremely understood my need for space in dealing with all of this. The male leader, I remember helping me too, talking when I needed, and clarifying many GC teachings that confused me so, considering my current situation. I remember many hikes at turbo speed, feeling like I could leave everything else behind with another guy friend from GC that summer. We all lived in the mountains, he and I would roll out of bed, hike all morning, then work through the afternoon. I trusted him with everything, even things I was so sure I would tell no one. He stayed concerned about a health/psychological aspect of my life far beyond anyone else. His support helped me conquer a dangerous sin that could have ended my life.

I owe a lot to these men and women. I realize that their time for major involvement in my life is over with because of my disbelief in GC, and my conflicts with GC. It changes people and rules relationships, I regret to say...it rules how members (even those closest to you) see you. This control is very difficult for them to see or believe beyond. It destroys friendship.

Though I will never be able to regain or recreate the friendships I lost I am so much happier with who I am, how I behave, and how I experience life outside of GC; I can't go back, and after having life uncontrolled by such strict rules and standards. Life without ritual puts God first.