Another story

Another story:

I have enjoyed reading these discussion posts. I just discovered this site a few days ago. I attended a GCx church from 2001-2004. I really loved the church. It was a loving and committed church. I grew spiritually there. Our small group was a close knit fellowship. We had some people in our small group who were "needy," but we helped them along. I took many, many meals to people in need and enjoyed every minute of it. As a devoted Christian, I think my contributions to the small group brought encouragement to everyone. Many people from the church offered their support when my mother passed away, bringing meals and attending the visitation and funeral.

My husband and I were involved with the Awana's ministry in 2001-2002. We were familiar with Awanas from previous churches, and our involvement helped us to integrate into the church rather quickly. My husband was also a devoted worker who cared for the church lawn every week.

My husband had an abusive tendency. I found out that my 16-year-old daughter had confided in a girlfriend at church that her dad had attempted to choke her. I did not know this at the time. The girl told her parents, and the girl’s father told my husband. Neither parent contacted me or offered any support to my daughter! This put my daughter in more trouble with my husband! Despicable! These people were leaders in the church. My daughter felt so betrayed, but I was not aware of the situation until months later.

The teaching of the church that women are to be submissive did not help my marriage. The abusive verbiage and rants escalated at home. Finally, in November of 2002, a 12-hour episode evolved into a physical altercation with our daughter, and then with me (when I intervened). I asked him to leave. I was ready to get a divorce. I called one of the pastors and explained the situation to him. The pastors insisted on providing counseling. The pastor that was leading our small group told our small group that my husband and I were temporarily separated to work on an issue of abuse--"nothing life threatening." I was LIVID!!! What made him so sure it was not life threatening?! Many, many murder-suicides have resulted from family dynamics similar to ours. The pastors provided sessions to us as a couple and to him individually for five months, during which time the abuse continued. I had one session with a pastor and his wife together, but the pastors were hesitant to talk to me without their wives present. How can you pastor a church if you can't talk to people? I am a registered nurse, and quite comfortable talking with anyone. I had no desire to hang out with these men, but I needed to feel that I had pastoral support available, especially while raising teenagers who were in turmoil. They told me that I could always call their wives, who were each home schooling several children (yea, right!!).

Eventually, I obtained a protective order to ensure the safety of my family and filed for divorce. One pastor told me that he understood, but the other was clearly disappointed. I was insecure about how I would be accepted within the church. My husband had to stop coming because it was against the protective order. One young person told my daughter that she was not from a Christian family since her parents were getting a divorce. Our small group disbanded, and the church eventually reorganized small groups with all male leadership. I did not feel comfortable under male leadership after the way I had been treated.

Ironically, my divorce was one of the most spiritually uplifting experiences of my life. I had never prayed or read my Bible so much. I modeled my behavior after Jesus, who also separated himself from his abusers so that he could effectively disciple his sheep. I received guidance and peace from the Holy Spirit. My relationship with God was strong, but I couldn't experience true fellowship within the church because I did not feel supported.

I did go to LT with my daughter. I was surprised at how little time was allotted for unstructured fellowship for the young people. On a short bus ride from the dorm to the church, I sat next to a married brother from our church that was chaperoning without his wife. This was a very casual situation with the bus nearly full of teens and chaperones. Afterward, a sister told me that I shouldn't sit next to a man that is not my husband. What?! I was incredulous! (I ride the city bus to work.) That was just too weird!! I’m a serious person, and was not at all in the state of mind to be looking for more problems than I already had.

After that, we began to notice that the sermons provided little encouragement. Elitist barbs such as "divorce is the easy way out" overshadowed any positive comments. I was still reeling from the divorce, and struggling with grief. The church was involved in a building program, and I was also questioning the ethics of some of the fundraising strategies. If I had been “knitted in” prior to my divorce, I was quickly coming unraveled.

My kids eventually stopped coming with me and my daughter started going to a large Lutheran church which emphasized grace and redemption. Since I served cookies on Sunday mornings once a month, I kept coming for several months. I was trying to encourage my kids to come back. One time my daughter did come back. She enthusiastically told the pastor about her new church, but he responded with disdain rather than joy over the success of the other church.

They advertised a teen conference that would be for teens and their parents and build relationships between teens and parents. I talked my son into going with me, because I thought it would be a good time for him to grow spiritually. It was a disaster! It was basically a fathering session with a big elitism lecture. The other teen boys and people from our church snubbed us. There was little time for interaction among the teens. The teaching was terrible and rife with false doctrine. I spent the hour long drive home deprogramming my son from the lies. Charlie Meyer was the teacher. One of the most disturbing points in the lecture was that the typical large family with a stay-at-home mother who home schools is the only kind of family that can reach the world. This is called a "great commission family." I told my son that he is not off the hook from the great commission just because his parents are divorced, and that learning to depend on God in the tough times helps us reach the world. I was actually worried that after three years in the GCx church he might not even know what the great commission was, since they don't seem too concerned with any type of systematic Biblical education of their young. He did know, either from home or from our previous church. The other (related) most disturbing point was, "What can we offer the world, if not our families?" That sentence turned my blood cold. I felt like I had been hit with an electric prod. Suddenly, I knew I was done with this church. In answer to the question, I whispered to my son, "Our Savior?" He was also discerning that this teaching was anti-Christian in nature.

Our pastor was present at this meeting. I spoke to him and his wife about how disturbing I thought Charlie's teaching was. And the response was, "You have to know his heart." I immediately answered, "Jesus said, ‘Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh.' I'm very concerned about his heart. I'm not sure he is a believer." They both just furrowed their brows and looked at me like I was from Mars. I didn't know this was a standard GCM answer until I read this site, but I was disturbed with the response.

I resigned my position serving cookies so that I could go to church with my kids on Sunday mornings, but indicated that I would come back when I could. I loved the people in the church deeply, especially the people who had been part of our small group. I immediately stopped getting e-mails from the church, and they acted as though they knew I would not be back. Of course, I never did go back. I never had any unpleasant conversation about leaving the church. I am always greeted warmly when I see people from the church, and have maintained occasional contact with a few.

I am so sad to have confirmation that the problems we experienced in the church are common and widespread. From my perspective, the church is not a cult, but has the potential to become one. I am so glad your site is available to help people discern. Maybe if enough people from within the rank and file visit this website with an open mind, they can purge the church of the sin that is besetting them. I don't see that happening without a clear move of God, but we believe in miracles, don't we?