Forced to leave because of suffering? Anyone else?

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[MarriedWomanPhD]

I am a recent ex after spending 10 years in various GCAC churches. Looking back, our story fits with so many at abusive churches. From the beginning we were probably doomed: when I first started attending, I was an unmarried woman who served hard at work (as a nurse & short-term missionary) who resisted the push to get more involved serving pastors/elders and their families (I was pretty sure of what God had called me to - and it was being a nurse, not a housekeeper - at least at that time).

My husband and I were married 8 years ago, but the pastor wouldn't marry us because we were being "hasty" in getting married. He gave the sermon, but a Justice of the Peace actually married us. Our kids were born, and I stayed home because that's what we had agreed to. After our third was born, an opportunity for me to attend grad school online opened up. My husband and I prayed about it, sought counsel from pastors & family, and ended up choosing against pastor's "recommendation" to go ahead with grad school. A year later, in 2008, I was diagnosed with cancer. I still live with it 2 1/2 years later. Last year (2009), my daughter came down with a bizarre systemic infection and is now somewhat handicapped by it.

In all the time we spent sick, in surgery, or in the hospital, we never once received a card, letter, or phone call from our pastors or any other church staff. We received no spiritual counseling at all through this difficult time. Our friends from small group were great...but on a corporate level there wasn't even an acknowledgment that we were in need or having a difficult time. The only call I ever received was from a pastor asking me to stop writing my blog (which I kept faithfully to inform family/friends of our progress while in the hospital) because it was distracting from my ability to care for my daughter.

This spring, we asked our pastor for a reference letter for a completely online job for me (you know, wife, woman, mother) as a professor that would allow me to work from home, continue homeschooling our kids, and work at a Christian university where I could have a great impact for the Lord. We received a negative recommendation worded strongly, and were told that our unusual amount of suffering/disease was probably the sign of hidden sin. The recommendation letter contained many inaccuracies, including the fact that I had cancer when I started grad school in 2007 (not true). We thought and prayed about it, and ended up asking our small group for advice (should we submit the letter anyway, or try to get the inaccuracies in it changed, or withdraw my application).

Months later, we were lynched in our own home by a posse of our friends and both pastors in our home without any notice. We were accused of gossip and slander (at this time both my husband and I were accused). My father, a trustee of the church, was present for the meeting to help my husband and I, and was told this was inappropriate - that it was private and did not concern him. We met privately with both pastors, and felt resolved with the one who had initially offended us with the poor reference, but continued to be the subject of attack from the other (more senior and "apostle" level pastor). Finally, we ended up meeting with both pastors, and the one who had reached resolution with us flip-flopped and agreed with the "apostle" pastor. We knew there wasn't much hope after that point and decided to leave the church.

At the time we left, our issues were:

• We were yelled at, accused and told we "would never prosper" without submitting and confessing publicly (violating many Scriptures, including I Corinthians 4:5)
• We were told that the pastors were our real "fathers" and that to leave would mean we would live forever as church "orphans" (violating Matt 23:8-10)
• We came to understand that the pastors believed GCAC churches were the only true church and to leave meant we were abandoning the faith or becoming "apostate" (although we have never renounced our faith and believe we still belong to God's Church, which we entered through faith and were sealed by baptism into)
• Suffering was clearly seen as a sign of sin. Any prolonged suffering, disease or premature death is seen as "outside the will of God". This prosperity gospel (little g) does not reflect the experiences of Christ, Paul, or Job, and we could not raise our children in such a church in good conscience, knowing my cancer may never be cured
• There was complete disregard for our emotions, motivation, or spiritual maturity in these discussions. We were TOLD what we felt, thought, and meant, and any other explanation we offered was dismissed as a lie. How can you possibly argue with that, or make yourself understood? It was submit, or leave.

Following our leavetaking 2 months ago, we were at first pursued and almost badgered to repent, reconcile and return. I am sure they mean this in a Matthew 18 sort of way, but for heaven's sake, we wouldn't have put our family through this if we didn't mean to actually leave! It has been extremely painful. Even worse is that now that we are through the badgering faze, we are slowly being "unfriended", blocked, and lectured about our hardened hearts from our former friends, although they haven't actually visited or called since we left. The pastors want to meet with us again, but my husband is very reticent to put our family through any more tumult.

Finally, we are considering contacting Dave Bovenmeyer, because my husband was in GCLI (leadership institute) and knew about the weaknesses statement apparently years ago. Has anyone had success in contacting him? Did it result in anything productive, or just more accusations and hurt? We are leary of adding our names to the role of excommunicated members, further tarnishing our reputation in the movement. We have many friends who remain there. We have been unable to speak to any of them even about our reasons for leaving as the pastors have forbidden them from seeing us, much less talking about why we left.

I understand where my friends are coming from. As former small group leaders, my husband and participated in the "shunning" of two couples who left 2 years ago. We have since contacted them, begged forgiveness, and are close friends with them again.

I am just wondering if anyone else has experience with the prosperity gospel aspect of the GCAC movement.

Sincerely,
A wife and mom who left because of her PhD & her cancer

[Linda]

MarriedWomanPhD, Welcome. I am so sorry for what you have been through.

[AgathaL'Orange]

First, can I just say, WOW!  You must be a very strong person!  Second, I'm so sorry that all of this has happened.  In my experience, GC doesn't know what to do with suffering.   They have a simplistic view of life when in reality it is far more nuanced and just plain complicated at times.  Life means we will suffer at some time.  It's practically the definition, because life means death at some point and all the shades of circumstances between that.  They honestly seem to forget this at times.  I think it's partly because many of the leaders were young when they joined and they never really had to "grow up" like you would in the real world.  Anyway, that's my theory.  There are exceptions too.

As for sin in your life, um hello, we are all sinners.  Did they forget that?!!! 

[escapee]

Hi MWPhd-

I don't think the pastors I was associated with would say that suffering like yours meant hidden sin (except maybe Rich) but I what your story also reminds me of us the tendency to treat everyone's life like they're all the same. To universalize our experience and act like it's all really very simple and no matter what is happening to you, you just need to listen to the "God's Will for Your Life" teaching and do that. I think it is the lazy way out for a pastor to not have to consider and counsel each person as an individual but rather to have one giant blanketing "life purpose" for everyone.

Another thing, I saw more of what I might consider the opposite of the prosperity gospel (but I think this is a major difference between the singles and the marrieds). The singles (especially the guys) and competing to have the worst life possible in order to share in the sufferings of christ. Sleeping on the floor when they have a bed available, eating crap food, never buying new clothes, and generally never holding down a job.
What I think is crazy is that this expectation gets seriously flopped right when they get married! Talk about confusing to these guys - one minute praised for being practically homeless, the next expected to provide and looked groomed and have a high paying job or be working for the church.
Crazy.

[wastedyearsthere]

I was told by a leader that he never had to be disciplined by God (he used the example of spanking and the analogy was with children not obeying their parents) because he did everything God told him to!  What arrogance and ignorance!

Even though they might not say suffering is the result of sin from their teachings - I think they believe this except when it comes to themselves (of course) or the other leaders.  They seem to be exempt!  they do seem to blame the victim and that is why I left.  They take no responsibility for the things they do and teach wrongly. 

[Huldah]

MarriedWomanPhD, thanks so much for telling your story here. What tremendous courage you must have, to have continued with your career and education in spite of so much opposition. I'm so sorry for the horrible way you were treated.

[Grounded]

I'm sorry that you have had to go through these experiences. It seems to be a disconect with the pastors. This is not surprising because they generally don't have enough training in these matters. They are taught early on to view the world in a particular way. There were many times when talking with a pastor (a couple in particular) seeking advice on an issue that I realized that the conversation was pointless because they gave the standard GC speak that they heard years before. Everything is recycled and really there is nothing new that they have to say- especially in difficult circumstances such as yours.

[calgal]

I am amazed at our story but not surprised.

The beginning to the end came from suffering for me too in a three part scenario:

1. First I had a neck injury when my middle child was two.  I needed help at home for a period of time but none was to be had. I could not lift more than a glass of milk, much else my own children. This church which could rally around any event to 'love bomb' those to recruit couldn't afford time for one of their own.

2. My brother committed suicide.  I was told over and over that it must be hard knowing he is going to hell.  My own then husband (a leader) didn't even bring the subject up - can you imagine? I would be weeping as he left for work and he would just say 'bye' and would go on about his day.  Seriously, these people have no compassion.

3.  I had major resconstruction surgery which took 6 hours.  My now ex husband would not drive me to the hospital - even when I specifically asked and told him I was nervous. He said he needed to 'be there for the kids' who were 1, 4 & 5 by the way and would be sleeping. I got a girlfriend to drive me.  He did find a babysitter to take care of them almost the entire time I was in surgery and didn't come to the hospital until hours after I woke up. He had been out evanelizing with another leader. 

I left six months after that.  And from what I understand, my ex-husband held an all-night prayer vigil for me to repent.  He never once came and talked to me.  Not once.  What a martyr for God.  He remains the same today. And he rewarded for this behavor in this group. 

[AgathaL'Orange]

I'm sorry that you had to experience that.

Looking back, yes, our very real and difficult suffering was totally minimized.  At first we were loved and supported when our son was sick, but then it went on a little too long I guess (he has life long medical issues and disabilities) and there came a point when we were in their words "dropping out" of service.  We were not allowed to get out of leading a trip of youth out of state even though we had made the commitment before we knew our son would need us.  They literally made us go out of state, and we stupidly complied and left our son.  I guess I'm not sure that I've ever forgiven them or myself for the utter stupidity I demonstrated in agreeing to choose church over my child.  I'm glad at a certain point we did wise up, but so so so so so wistful and regretful that we didn't do it sooner. 

Yes, they thought we were overreacting, melodramatic, whiny, complainers, and perhaps we were and still are.  But we all know that minimizing crisis doesn't help, being validated frees people to find inner strength.  So the constant minimizing, scolding, and denial of our very real and life threatening, stressful trials caused us to stop in our ability to handle the situation.  I felt very alone, very used, very misunderstood, very very alone while in the middle of this bizarre invasive group.  How do you feel alone in an invasive group?  By not being "useful", by being the heavy burden to the movers and the shakers.

I really struggle to this day to forgive , I've asked for supernatural help from God to forgive.  I hope that someday I will be able to and also at that time to forgive myself for my utter stupidity. 

I wish you all the best.

[Linda]

Agatha,

I am so sorry that you were put in that situation. It was wrong of them to put pressure on you to go on that trip and this is just one more example of how naive and untrained GC leaders misuse Hebrews 13:17 and Matthew 10:37 to interfere with parents and their children. They abuse their authority as spiritual leaders when they do this and they will one day have to give an account. I hope any leaders reading this find it sobering.

Why is it they seem to ignore Galatians 6:10. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Be suspect of any leader who not only ignores the needs of fellow Christians around him, but uses those believers to further the "work of the church".

[Neverbeengcm]

marriedwomanphd,

I am sorry you had to go through this.  The reaction of the pastors, elders and followers of your church seemsto be the "Modus Operandi" of most (if not all) GC churches.  I hope you find peace and a place of worship where the parishioners actually care about something more than pleasing the church leaders...very sad.  I hope things are going better for you now.

I am amazed at our story but not surprised.

The beginning to the end came from suffering for me too in a three part scenario:

1. First I had a neck injury when my middle child was two.  I needed help at home for a period of time but none was to be had. I could not lift more than a glass of milk, much else my own children. This church which could rally around any event to 'love bomb' those to recruit couldn't afford time for one of their own.

2. My brother committed suicide.  I was told over and over that it must be hard knowing he is going to hell.  My own then husband (a leader) didn't even bring the subject up - can you imagine? I would be weeping as he left for work and he would just say 'bye' and would go on about his day.  Seriously, these people have no compassion.

3.  I had major resconstruction surgery which took 6 hours.  My now ex husband would not drive me to the hospital - even when I specifically asked and told him I was nervous. He said he needed to 'be there for the kids' who were 1, 4 & 5 by the way and would be sleeping. I got a girlfriend to drive me.  He did find a babysitter to take care of them almost the entire time I was in surgery and didn't come to the hospital until hours after I woke up. He had been out evanelizing with another leader. 

I left six months after that.  And from what I understand, my ex-husband held an all-night prayer vigil for me to repent.  He never once came and talked to me.  Not once.  What a martyr for God.  He remains the same today. And he rewarded for this behavor in this group. 

Calgal,

Your story is very similar to the experience of marriedwomanphd.  I cannot imagine turning my back on someone in the idiotic way that GC members do.  it is unconscienable to me.  If one of the pastors or church elders needed a bunch of people to work all week long to help him build a garage, I am certain the followers would be there for them. Or if there was a big recruitment push at the local college, they would be there like flies on manure.  But, you ask these same people to help a mother who needs help after and accident!...they can't come up with the common human decency to help out?
 
They can't console you in a time of loss with your brother's suicide?  Your idiot (ex)husband would not even have the courtesy to be there for you for your surgery?  Instead he is out recruiting new cult members for the church?!!!  Not sure what to say about an idiot like that...

This ex-husband of your's must be a real peice of work.  I'd love to meet him some day and discuss how a loving husband is supposed to treat his wife.  I treat my wife with all the love and respect I can give her. I let her know I love her by my words, my actions and the affection I show her every day.  That is how it is supposed to be.  Leading a prayer vigil to try to get you to repent instead of talking with you?  Smooth move, Exlax.