From GCM to Orthodoxy

it hasn't been even a year since i left a GCM church. i can almost confidently say that my wounds and hurts are healed, except that every now and then i feel something pulling me down...this is when unbidden thoughts of my past GCM experience come to my mind.

i heard about GCMwarning.com back when i was still involved in the church. however, with the help of the leaders, it was disregarded as "some bitter guy's outlet". and then recently i came across the site again. i went straight to the forum and read hundreds of threads. then something finally clicked, something that was so burdensome to me the whole time i was trying to fit into the GCM culture.

my story isn't anything special, there is really nothing you probably haven't heard of...but this is what seems to me the most tragic. people on this forum are all united by the same pattern of pain inflicted by the GCM experience. it's like re-living some of the absurdities of the system over and over again with each thread.

i joined one of the Colorado churches about three years ago. happy faces, cheerie conversations and an unheard-of interest in my life were what seemed to have bought me. it's probably normal and somewhat healthy. after all, it's the acceptance and fellowship we all seek. And GCM has definitely perfected the art of "the gimmick". Whether it's intentional or not is a subject for a different topic. the point is that the movement has learned how to feign the signs of a utopic community.

for about a year i was happy. just like when i first learned about Christ, i was genuinely (read: naively) happy again. but then the dust started to settle down. it seemed like there rose glass walls around. some of the people i got to know turned out to be "leaders" who would frequently steal away to their "leadership meetings". somehow i learned about their authority. what they would talk about during the meetings and where their authority was coming from exactly - i wasn't sure. i just remember how i started feeling alienated. the fancy words like "leadership", "discipleship", "commitment" and "humility" didn't have the former appeal - but, on the contrary, turned sour. i felt like a grown man who was being fed on baby food. i wanted meat, but was being given the previously digested leftovers by my "leaders". their sincere interest for my life turned out to be a robotic compliance to god's command to love the neighbor.

i started voicing some of the thoughts i had during our bible study get-togethers. and those of you who are familiar with it, would probably know that it's more efficient to scoop out a puddle on a rainy day. it was like "the truman show" movie. if you live contently, the weather would be sunny, but if you express a doubt and criticism toward the movement - there would certainly be a change of colors. you would, all of a sudden, have these seemingly-not-connected conversations with different people about some of the things you brought up earlier during the bible study...all of them would reinforce the goodness and usefullness of the methods used in the church. if that wasn't enough, somehow the pastor would want to meet with you and talk about the same exact thing. the topic would, no wonder, be brought up very non-challantly, as if there was no agenda behind the meeting.

i am a very wrestless person. i tend to think and get bogged down about certain things more than an everage person would. but this is something that i thought was always directing me to god - the ongoing desire to ask questions and look for answers. however, i found this desire to be somewhat sinful. it was never called like that explicitly, but was surely implied so by the leaders. the leaders couldn't see any progress in my "walk with god". they thought i wasn't moving anywhere. i didn't seem to show any spiritual growth, which they equated to absolute submission to the priniciples of the church. i didn't show any visible fruits of the spirit - in other words i didn't memorize our weekly bible verses and i couldn't get up at 5 am to read the bible for an hour or so.

there were many other things that i couldn't get used to and, what was more important, get into a habit of doing. i didn't journal during the sermon on sundays, i didn't express too much leadership by incessantly praying during the prayer meetings, i didn't have a daily revelation from god through reading the bible...

i honestly started feeling "not good enough". i wasn't definitley a leader in the sense they were training us to be. and i wasn't heart and sould sold to the movement to where i was commited to build my life (school, work, family, and etc.) around the local church.

then i dared to grow some feelings toward one of the girls who was in a leadership position and had blessings from the "most venerable" ones. i don't need to say that what followed after was like a train wreck.

i decided to leave. i wanted to leave somewhere where the authority wasn't based around some randomly appointed religious zealots. i was looking for somewhere where the bible was interpreted based on the tradition and NOT one man's revelation. i guess it's another topic i am starting here, but i couldn't get the answers to these questions in GCM. as a matter of fact, what i got as answers were usually cliches picked up from some the of the circulating GCM brochures. sometimes i wondered if the people truly had any knowledge of the history of christianity. very often i would here how the elders would defy the teachings of the early apostolic fathers, their successors and people who contributed to the evolution of the christian church.

anyways, it's way too long...if somebody does read it to the end, please, disregard grammar and spelling. it's 2.34 am and i ought to be in bed. it sounds more like a bitter rant. but i wanted to vent out. thanks for reading.