I'm done lurking

Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

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[sohai]

I'll keep this short and sweet to avoid possibly being identified.

Born and raised in GCM.  Fully indoctrinated, but never felt like I belonged.  There was literally no escape, due to circumstances.  And there is still none in sight.  Sexual abuse was kept under wraps, and no matter how many times I "prayed the prayer", people told me I wasn't saved because of lack of passion, commitment, follow-through, etc.  I went to great extremes to drive sin and every ounce of secularism out of my body, including abusing myself whenever I did anything wrong or made someone in the church family disappointed.

In recent years, I have endeavored to pull away.  But my ties are too strong to be broken completely.  For years, I gave up on anything spiritual and meaningful and closed my heart off.  It felt like stone for a very long time.  Recently I've been feeling painful twinges whenever I think about a personal relationship with Jesus and how I probably damned myself a long time ago.  If I attend another church I've been drawn to (LGBT-friendly, diverse, inclusive, compassionate to all), I feel that it'll be the final nail in my own coffin.

I've been a long-time lurker, and had created an account many years ago, but scared myself off again.  After the Mark Darling incident, I couldn't go it alone anymore.  I'm not looking for advice, just wanted to share a bit of my past and frustrations and to let you all know that your posts have been a source of encouragement for me when I've been feeling brave enough to read them.

[sohai]

Note: I would like to mention that my username is Hanoi Vietnamese for "scared away".  I couldn't use the proper tone marks while creating my account, then realized that it can be used in a negative connotation if viewed in English.  My apologies.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Welcome Sohai. 

Sooo glad this site has been a source of encouragement for you. 

[Cult Proof]

Sohai, my heart hurts for you.  I am sorry that you have had to carry such a painful story.  I just want you to know that I care about what you’ve been through and I believe you.

[Huldah]

Welcome, Sohai. I'm sorry for all you've been through, and sorry that you still feel trapped. I hope this forum will continue to be a source of encouragement to you.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Sohai, I want to say I am sorry sexual abuse has been kept hidden there.  I love what others including Beth Moore have been saying about this tragic occurrence.  That it is time for the church to talk about it and to listen to others who are victims and offer them healing.

As far as what men may “judge” about others’ salvation or walk can adversely affect their self worth and relationship with God especially if it is NOT coming from the Spirit.  At least one elder in GCx told others that I was “not growing” and likely stuck in “unbelief”.  If I had chosen to keep that as my identity I probably would not be in a good place today.  I have learned and am still learning to go by what God tells me in his affirmations and promises more then graceless men.  For, it is then that I soar.  

I can relate to having painful twinges regarding thoughts of “a relationship with Jesus”.  That is not to be unexpected when what has been defined to us as a “dedicated walk with the Lord” is associated with isolationism, perfectionism, legalism, authoritarianism, and very limited personal freedom; not to mention how circumscribed and unspontaneous life looked ahead.  I have shared on here that when I used to drive past those sets of three crosses on route 70 I would actually cringe (and even freak out a little).  I certainly did not feel passion or commitment when I saw them.  Initially, I thought it was because I was uncomfortable with Christianity and thus would carry a nagging guilt whenever we drove by them even years after I had left the organization.  What was that? I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Then, I gradually came to realize it was MY ASSOCIATION with those crosses. It was the isolation, condemnation, judgement, oppression, and truly bondage in GCx I associated with them that my soul cringed at.  I didn’t really know Christianity outside GCx.  I didn’t really travel that route before I was in GCx.  A bunch of GCxers would often drive out together past those crosses to visit other GCxers in Columbus, Ohio. We would drive out route 70 to attend GCx conferences. Traveling out that road probably went on for years while I was in GCx.  It’s only been in the last decade when I travel that route to see family that those crosses don’t bother me. There are other similar triggers I had, and some are still there.  I believe these occur in the realm of condemnation and are not at all associated with grace.  

You are deeply loved by God.

[OneOfMany]

Welcome Sohai,

Your feeling are quite common among those of us "indoctrinated" into the think-speak of a controlling church.

I hope that you can process much of what you are experiencing here. Some seek counselling which can help. I find the longer I am away from Evergreen the less negative emotions I have around Christianity.

[sohai]

Ohhhh, you are all wonderful.  I teared up a little reading your posts.  It is comforting to know that these feelings are linked with my upbringing and that there is hope for a future.  I never considered that the reason my spiritual awakening (if you will) is so uncomfortable is due to the mindset I have right now.  Starting from square one will absolutely be difficult, but I am hopeful that it will be worth it.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Absolutely!  And I believe your “story” will heal others.