Lone gone from Ames

Hello, my name is Paul and I was a member of the GC assembly in Ames,Iowa from Sept 74 till Sept of 83.

During that time the ISU Bible Study with 50 attendees turned into the Ames Fellowship Church with over 400 people. When I left they were still meeting in the upstairs hall in downtown Ames on 5th Ave.

The girl whom I subsequently married was instrumental in bringing me to the first meeting. I had been heavily involved in youth groups and the "Jesus Movement" in high school, so attending bible studies was not anything unusual for me.

Within months I was fully commited to the group, I had so much zeal that I seperated from my parents ( who were VERY concerned about the ISU Bible study due to the news coverage in the Des Moines Register about the cult label being applied to the group and to it's charismatic leader, Jim McCotter.

I quit college, started working as a janitor at the student union on campus, became invovled in starting bible studies in the dorms, Attended the daily noon bible studies on campus, attended the Friday Night Bible Studies on Campus, the Sunday Morning Teaching, the small groups on Sunday Nights and numerous other meetings during the week. Also,the retreats held at a Bible Camp in the autumn, the Summer mission program in 1977 where we moved to Oregon for 2 months, the Protest Rally we held outside the Republican National Convention in 1976 in Kansas City, the Protest Rally for Jesus we held outside the Democratic National Convention in 1980 in New York City, and many other events.

I worked on the newspapers being published, wrote a little bit of copy, did some cartoons for ads, and learned to cut and paste the copy onto the pages. All this in the upstairs office above Lincoln Way.

I knew Jim McCotter, consulted with him about my marriage, listened to him on family and marriage matters, one once even reproved him for a course statement he'd made during an afternoon bible study.

by 1982 the economy had gone into a deep recession and I was working as a carpet layer. there was no work and my wife and children and I were living on very little. By this time the church had decided that it was OK to be an academic or to have a career. Many people who had degrees were getting good jobs. I approached the elders and asked for their help, telling them that I had followed their teachings, sacrificed for the Gospel, and that I was broke. I asked for their assistance. They told me that it was my problem to deal with.

By July of that year my wife decided to leave me as I had no future and wasn't a good provider. She changed the locks on our apartment and I spent the night on Brent Knox's couch. After this my wife was ex-communicated for wanting to end the marriage and resisting any efforts to reconcile. She became bitter because the Elders sided with me and she needed to reconcile, no matter what I was like.

I was shattered, but continued to attend meetings. By this time I started to see the horrible "group think" that was at work. I became very aware of how in-experienced the leaders were with dealing with real life situations. While it seemed that they knew what God wanted in a perfect world, they didn't have much of a clue hwo to deal with the reality of the daily humanity of the flock.

I spent a month house sitting for the parents of some fellow members in my small group. During that time I prayed , journaled, and kept to myself. This is whwre I first heard the "voices" in my head, not quoting scripture, but telling me what the scriptures meant. These voices were all the teaching, all the conditioning, all the pressure, all the group think.
Only in solitude could I hear what I was thinking... and I didn't like it.

After this I gradually stopped attending meetings. My ex-wife actually demanded that I not take the chiildren to church anymore at AFC and threatened to go to court.

Finally in Sept. of 83 I sent a letter to the elders, thanking them for the learning I had experienced and telling them that I was withdrawing from fellowship. I was never contacted again, but whenever I met a former friend, I was largely ignored. In Dec. I moved 180 miles away and after two years, I finally started attending church again.

After this it took years of un-learning the GC ways of thinking. Then came the years of learning the real God given freedom in Christ.

Sometimes I think I have always been on a spiritual quest, even from my childhood.

It has not been a quest to learn how to behave, but a quest to learn how to think.

It is sad that I can see that the GC of today still stresses right behavior instead of right understanding.

An old man shared this with me... "He is is persuaded against his will, remains un-persuaded still."

I realize that I was persuaded against my will by the authoritarian teachings of the leaders in Ames. I have been very angry about that for years.

Even now, if anyone tries to make me do something, I'll resist. I have to decide what is best for me. Not a group, not a philosophy, not even God.

It is the legacy of the time I spent inside Ames Fellowship Church. I still have my journals and some of the teaching notes fomr that time. I seldom look at them, but when I do the "voices" are still there if I listen for them.

God understands.... and I am at peace knowing that .