Need Help w. GCM church

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[Immortal_Raven]

They will talk about you behind your back.  That's just a fact of life with a lot of groups, not just GC.  You just have to train yourself not to care.  It's harder than it sounds.  If they're truly your friends, they'll still be your friends if you leave. 

From what I've read, you're in a college setting.  Try some other Christian groups on campus.  Campus Crusade is pretty popular nationwide and one of the least cultish/controlling groups in my experience.  There are others out there as well.  But find something else in the spiritual realm.  One of the ways I was sucked in to GCx was that I hadn't been to church in months and was craving "spiritual milk".

I don't know your hobbies or interests, but if you're going to a GC church, you're at a decent sized college.  Find a university sponsored club and make friends there.  Art, philosophy, chess, foreign language, and tons more are out there.  These would help ease the pain of potentially losing friends.

Finally, tell it straight up that you don't want to move in with someone.  Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, it will hurt.  You have to think about your own well-being though.  If you can't live with it, you shouldn't have to.  In the short term it will hurt, but in the long term you'll be better for it.  Finally, I assume you're a Christian.  What is worse in God's eye?  Leaving a harmful situation for your own well-being, or living a lie every day?  Don't go by what I say or others on this forum say, don't go by what their leaders say, go by what the Bible says.

-Immortal_Raven

[MidnightRider]

Ophelia,

Sometimes when making a decision like this, it helps to think of how you would advise someone else. Suppose a close friend of yours came to you and said, "I've been going to this church. At first it seemed great, but now I am seeing problems. I want to leave, but I am afraid of what they will think about me," etc. What would you tell your friend?

If it were my friend, I would tell her that no matter how much these people seem to love you, if you feel that uncomfortable, you need to get out. The ones that are really your friends will respect your decision, whether they agree or not.

[Grounded]

I know how hard it is to think about leaving. I think I started thinking about leaving for about 2 years before I actually left. I invested 12 years of my life to these churches. When I moved to a different city with a church plant I thought it would be fun to be a part of a new church because most of my closest friends were married it made things easier- or so I thought. Loyalty is preached endlessly, and if you are single it is HIGHLY encouraged to live with other singles. Needless to say, living with a bunch of single people is ok when you are a college student, but if you are older and working that becomes less appealling. The people who I would have considered moving in with got engaged, so I avoided the issue for a long while. I was told I could become selfish if I did not move in with other singles because then we we all could serve the church together in "unity". The thing is, I knew I would not be true friends with these peope due to the fact that we did not have the same interests, etc. Church interests reign supreme in GC. So if you live in a house with 8 single women, not only are you sharing a room with 2 other people, you may be sleeping in the same bed with someone else because there was not enough room (this really happened with the single women in the church. There was a house rule that no one would have their own room- one room was reserved for other purposes.)
  Once they sense that you are not fully "in" with with everything you will get the cold shoulder treatment from some people. I knew some people for years, but when I started pulling away things changed. I remember very well walking by a person who I knew for years in a hallway after church one day just completely ignored me. This person is also a child of a prominant leader in GC. This just confirmed that loyalty is not a two way street. When I left I only talked with a few people about it- I did not talk to the pastor about because I knew exactly what he would say. I just stopped going- no one called or asked about me. That still stings, but I found out what their priorities were. I was not one of them apparently.

[Linda]

Ophelia, I'm so sorry. It is so hard when your eyes open up, you see what is happening, and then you realize the consequences of leaving. God bless you.

I just stopped going- no one called or asked about me.

Grounded, this line jumped out at me. I, too, couldn't figure out why no one called or asked about us. Our church had 7 (I think pastors), we had met with 5 of them (off and on, not at the same time) over many months as we tried to sort this out. When we did leave, we stated our reasons in our resignation letter. We mostly did that so the 2 that we hadn't met with would know why (since we figured they only had one side of the story).

We had tried so hard at the time to not say a lot to our friends (now I wouldn't worry about that at all, but then I did) and not say anything that would influence them negatively. Only a handful knew why we left.

We were very close to some pastors from some other locations. They never asked us why we left. To this day they still haven't. I guess they didn't want to hear our side of the story. It stings.

Then, last Fall, 4 years after we left, I ran into an ECC friend at the grocery store. In the course of our conversation, she asked me why we left. I started to explain, but paused and said, "Thank you for asking. You know, no one ever asked us why we left." She replied, "That's because we were told not to ask." I was stunned. It explained a lot.

When I read your comment about no one asking you why you left, I couldn't help but wonder if people are often told by GC leaders to not ask those who left why they left.

[AgathaL'Orange]

Ophelia, is there any way that we can help?  I'm sure logistically that could be difficult depending on where you are.  Is there anything we can do for you?  I have been praying for you.

[Ophelia]

Just being able to hear about other people's experiences and know that I'm not crazy is really helpful. I'm feeling a little better than i did this weekend although I'm still pretty nervous about leaving. I've decided that I need to do it in the next month or so. I got to talk to someone on here for awhile yesterday and that was so encouraging. I've decided that even though this will be really hard, in the end it's worth being free from all this. Prayers are soo appreciated. I don't know if there is anyone here from my state. I'm near colorado. Thank you all so much!

[AgathaL'Orange]

That's wonderful.  I'm glad to hear it!  I will pray for you.  I am not in that area... perhaps someone here is?

[Grounded]

I am from Colorado, and I know many people in the churches around the region.

[Kellie]

Hi Ophelia-

I was exactly in the same shoes you are a number of years ago. I was depressed and distraught. I thought something was wrong with me as a person and as a Christian because I couldn't go along with all the principles that GCM teaches. I knew I had to leave because it was slowly destroying my life. This was my freshman year of college and when I came home that summer (I lived in another state) I was able to see that I couldn't return to the church. As crazy as it sounds, I knew I couldn't even go back to that school because I would get sucked back in again. I know it is drastic, but I had to leave that school. I did keep in touch with a few friends from church. I never told them why I left because I knew as you mentioned that they would probably talk behind my back about how I was settling for God's second best.

I just want to echo what others have said. Don't worry about what other people are going to say. If you need to slip away quietly that is okay too. I would encourage you to talk with others who have left (please take advantage of contacting any of us!!). This will help you to have courage and know that you are not alone.

I went back and forth in my mind so many times, wondering if I was leaving God's best for my life and if I was doing the right thing. When your gut tells you something isn't right, it is ok to listen. Also, getting some distance from the church really helps to get perspective. :-)

Take care, you are in my prayers,

Kellie