Poem

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[BrokenyetFree]

A poem to describe my experience with a GCM church

My way's right
Your way's wrong
Here's what I think
Stifle your thoughts
Follow these rules
Stop living free
Serve in these areas
I'll tell you who to be
Give up your rights
They were never yours anyway
Embrace accountability
Trust what we say
Brainwash yourself
Don't ever leave
We're your family
Closer than genes
Pour out your life
Disregard the cost
Life is a trial
Count it all joy
Encourage yourself
Bring food to the table
Submit and seek counsel
Let the men lead
Think only with purity and never lust
Die to your flesh
Stamp out your pride
It should be as if you had died
Give up your preferences
Love one another
Live in the fellowship
Spend time with the Lord
Do all of these things
And you'll have your reward
But life will be slavery, concentration camp
Yet they say you're supposed to get weary
Run hard
Fruit is pending
Loss of joy
Loss of hope
Guilt neverending
Ashamed of yourself you stay on the treadmill
Run 'til you die!
Finish the race!
The Great Commission must be embraced!
Hand out tracts
No opportunity missed
Be an ambassador, that's a command
Serve when asked, never say no
Small cups of water will be repaid
Stay on the front lines
Pull the wagon
Die in the war on the wall with your brothers!
Leave home for the gospel and you will be blessed
Of all the churches in town, we're the best
Model your life after NT church
Break bread, eat together
Have a plan and a schedule
Vision's a must!
Make your life count for the gospel's sake
Never be bored, not a moment to waste
Reach out to your coworkers, neighbors, past friends, relatives, cashiers, anyone who you meet
Look at no one according to the flesh
Set the bar high, be disciplined!
Aspire to be great as those on the wall
Love and serve lots
Never think of yourself
Get over your feelings
Keep pressing on
Remember Christ loves you and died for you
Nothing's a sacrifice with his love in mind
Ready, set, go!
Plant your flag and die!
Read the Bible daily
Take it all literally
Black and white
Right and wrong
For every question an answer
Build up believers
Disciple the saved
Teach them to obey
Look for those who are available, dependable, and willing to learn
Invest your time there for the greatest return
Plant churches all over
Reach the city for Christ
Wear our T-shirts
United together
Who'd ever leave? 
Just stay here forever!
This is your family
Go live with these girls
Have no regrets
Your life will be planned
No deep thinking needed
A gentle and quiet, submissive spirit will be greatly praised
Pretty laborers will marry
The others, perhaps not - hero women who give up marriage for the kingdom
If you're married, submission's a must!
Model Christ and the church
Birth many children
A full quiver is best and a blessing from God
Have sex every night, as often as he desires
You've died to yourself
All your whims and wishes given up for the kingdom
If you leave on good terms, some relationships remain
Desert on poor ground, and shunned you may be
You are in an army, so casualties happen
The memory and pain's there even after they're gone
(lessened a little if they still love the Lord)
This much is certain, few ever return
Decomissioned, eyes opened to faults and to lies
Freedom is found
To go back would be very unwise
Your life once you've left cannot change overnight
Reprogramming takes time
When thinking deeply and decision-making is avoided for years
It is hard to choose
Learning to think for yourself
Finally freedom to decide how to live
No more roommates
No authority but God
This process brings love, joy and peace
But so many catchphrases caught in the mind
A duck on the pond, birds singing, sunset
Things to enjoy now
Stop rushing, just rest
No striving is needed
Christ paid for it all
Be at peace, little one
You'll be caught if you fall
And stumble we all must
We will all make mistakes
Stop judging yourself and others too
There's grace to be found and a world to explore
And Christ will remain, a best friend forever
Still holding on tight
No matter what poor decisions are made or what groups are joined
There's life in Him and His burden is light
Take a rest from your toil
You have His approval, attained on the cross
An eternal standing that cannot be changed
Love yourself and who you were created to be
Develop your talents, learn, dream dreams
Let go of the fear that you don't measure up
In Him, you're always enough
So keep fighting, now against the lies
Rest and abide
Nothing NEEDS to be done
Take time to recover
Learn to love life again
Many blessings remain
Take responsibility, let others take theirs
Set boundaries
Learn to trust people again
Thank the Lord for a few faithful friends
Be patient, it takes time to change
Love the Lord, get to know Him as a friend
It's okay to be angry
To let our your feelings
They are God-given, not meant to ignore
At times overwhelming
Recovery will come
Entrust yourself to Him who gave us His Son

[Huldah]

Thank you for sharing that. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who can identify with it.

Welcome to the forum.

[DevastatedTC]

Thank you. THANK YOU!!
I feel like you described my experience, including the part about finding grace at the end. A recent interaction that I had with a GC person basically said that they were sorry that "I" had that experience and then said that the other people who were posting on this forum were only a few individuals who hadn't resolved their issues and were involved with sexual issues, or as you stated, "purity".

It was so nice to hear you beautifully write down your experience. So many of the things you mentioned weren't necessarily bad things, but you did a wonderful job attaching the controls that were devoid of grace and freedom in your poem that show how people can twist good things to control others.

When you wrote down the phrase about t-shirts, I couldn't help but assume that your experience was with a Des Moines church  . I would find it very helpful to hear of the specific incidents where you felt you saw abuse; like the part where people were telling people who to live with. Feel free to send me a PM as I don't want to detract from what you have already written.

[Linda]

Thanks for sharing. I think many here relate to your poem. The ending is especially encouraging.

[2xA Ron]

If this was Facebook, I would hit "like."  As it is, thanks for sharing.

So many catchphrases I remember!  Such a true ending.

[BrokenyetFree]

Thank you all for the welcome.  I'm thankful for this site and for people who understand and have had the same experiences and feelings that I have.  I'd rather not give details about my experience with GCM at this point, but I wanted to share more poetry.  I wrote the first a few years ago, when I was involved in the movement.  The second was written tonight.  I can't help but compare the two, and be thankful that things have changed!


O freedom! 

My soul remains trapped
Freedom promised, yet undiscovered 
Heart bound by sin
Heart hiding, hardened and cold from hurt
Fear clouding my sight 
Uncertain future
Darkness envelops 
Hope disappears
Abandonment, rejection remain forever present fears 
Does anyone know my heart? 
Would anyone desire to? 
Biblical truths unable to penetrate my heart’s barrier
Fear of abandonment and anger remain too great to risk vulnerability
So
I remain lonely 
I remain hungry
I remain in darkness
Terrified of stepping into the light 
Afraid of what might be exposed 
Forgotten wounds still tender 
Too tender and raw to expose
Reluctance to submit keeps me captive
Craving for perfection created fear of failure
Past hurts and wounds never before seen now clear
Reluctance to release control
I must pull together the broken pieces of my heart 
Put on a good front 
Hide my pain and brokenness deep within my soul 
I must be strong
Strength is faltering
Control over this life soon shall no longer be mine 
Surrender is near
Did some part of me rejoice at the thought? 
Brokenness and healing and acceptance and love seem so near
O stubborn and prideful soul! 
When will you break?
No longer can I pretend there is no pain 
No longer can I imagine it away 




Rekindling relationship
Leaving traditions of men
My Savior my authority
Knowing Him
Being known
No longer a show
No more proving myself
No list of things to do
Loving Him alone
Standards brushed aside
Break from the Bible
Authentic rest, peace, and joy
Striving no more
Oh sweet freedom!

[2xA Ron]

Good poem!  I love the turn and the ending! 
I see a lot of myself in it.

[BrokenyetFree]

Innocence lost
Eyes open to the world
Blind faith shattered
Impossible to trust
Pure evil identified
Forever damaged
Forced to grow up
See errors in religion
Childlike faith in people never to occur again
Deepest deeds and motives uncovered
Sickened
Anxious
Blindsided

A church?
A place of safety?
A fellowship to rely upon?
A group of mentors for guidance?

No
A cult
Manipulation
Peer pressure
Fitting into a mold
Forcing friendships
Rotten counsel
Unveiled pride
Selfish motives
Inner workings found filthy
Everyone labeled
   Found worthy or wasteful
Scary, scary god

Guard up against the bad
   also blocks out what is good
Religion, Christianity, church, fellowship
   wall up against all
Eyes open to the world
Innocence lost

[Linda]

Thanks for sharing your poetry and expressing what many of us feel. God bless you.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Brokenyetfree,

Yes, thank you for sharing what we and so many others have dealt with.  Especially a false 'scary, scary god'.

Janet

[jtk1983]

Thank you so much for sharing! I would never wish the experience on you, but it is so comforting to not be alone - especially in the deepest, darkest places of the heart.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Brokenyetfree,

Just read your poems again today and wanted to let you know how much I enjoy them.
They are theraputic to read and must have been to write.  That is a gift.  Keep writing.  

Janet