Someone help me or something

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[sportsdude713]

I started to realize something was radically wrong last summer. I joined a GCM related college ministry my freshman year of college and had been atending for a year. during that time my relatinoshp with a girl i had been dating for all of highschool detoriorated until we broke up. i lost most of my other friends. my parents thought I had gone crazy. I had changed which college i was going to, changed my major, and pushed everyone not involved with this church out of my life. I realized something was up when my gf finally broke up with me and one of my friends who was a christain asked me why i let the leaders make all the decesions for me.  I slowly left the group over time and finally completley left at the end of my sophmore semester.  I havent been to a GCM function for four months now but I still am so lonely.  I cant go back there though.  I think that it has to do with being with the same person for so long and having it ruined by someone I feel like brainwashed me. I dont know how to forgive them but  know I need to.  They ruined my life.  I am transfering out of the college they told me to go to and changed my major back to what I want o do. Anyone have any advice

[EverAStudent]

Welcome to the forum, sportsdude713.

Advice on the web is abundant and cheap, and it can be good or bad depending on which parts you adopt and how you use it. 

I would recommend finding a good Nouthetic Counselor in your area (see the NANC website) who does not charge money (only go to those who do not charge you money).  These folks can be very helpful. 

Forgiveness is all about God.  Those sinners who repent receive forgiveness, those who do not, not.  God forgave you when you repented.  So what do you do when someone does not repent?  You can choose to bury the matter in love.  No, you are not reconciled with the other, true, but you have chosen not to seek your  own revenge, handing it off to God.  Turn it over to God in prayer, tell Him you will not seek further punishment against GCX because it is now in God's hands, and walk away from them and from the matter.  Two articles to read: http://thefaithfulword.org/2008januaryblogarchives.html#9  http://thefaithfulword.org/forgiveness.html

[Captain Bible]

I started to realize something was radically wrong last summer. I joined a GCM related college ministry my freshman year of college and had been atending for a year. during that time my relatinoshp with a girl i had been dating for all of highschool detoriorated until we broke up. i lost most of my other friends. my parents thought I had gone crazy. I had changed which college i was going to, changed my major, and pushed everyone not involved with this church out of my life. I realized something was up when my gf finally broke up with me and one of my friends who was a christain asked me why i let the leaders make all the decesions for me.  I slowly left the group over time and finally completley left at the end of my sophmore semester.  I havent been to a GCM function for four months now but I still am so lonely.  I cant go back there though.  I think that it has to do with being with the same person for so long and having it ruined by someone I feel like brainwashed me. I dont know how to forgive them but  know I need to.  They ruined my life.  I am transfering out of the college they told me to go to and changed my major back to what I want o do. Anyone have any advice

Sportsdude hang in there, It will get better even though this is a sad and lonely time. You don't know who I am or where I am coming from nor do I know the totality of your situation. I am still dealing with anger, resentment, loneliness and depression since I left the church. I  broke down at a GC retreat four years ago where I contemplated suicide. I remember my whole body shaking as I tried to write some kind of suicide note. In the end I decided to not go through with it, than I went into a deep dark downward spiral where I abused drink and despaired. I remember siting in my car and cussing out God. I look back on that  time now and see how good it was for me, even though it was so messy, it was still honest. In the end I went to a safe place where I could start to process everything. That required me to move in with a family member not affiliated with the church. It was like coming home after being out in a cold hard storm. I remember coming alive inside even as I felt the deep depths of loneliness and waves of sadness washing over me. Having a safe place to process my feelings was the reason I could handle it all. I spent a lot of time writing and reading poetry. I had sacrificed my own collage work for the church and it has taken a long time to go back.

You are not alone, there is a great big world out here outside of the GC world which is so fake and small.  Take time to vent your feelings, find a way to come home to a safe place with people you trust. Than take the time needed to feel the sadness and depression. I don't know if any of this advice will help, It was just what I did in my process of leaving the GC church. I hope you will find what you are looking for whatever path you take.    

[Linda]

Welcome, sportsdude713. I'm sorry.

Captain Bible, Wow. Thanks for telling us more of your story. I'm sorry.

We left our GC church 6 years ago (after being there 10 years).

I am 56. We have tons of Christians in our life. We know lots of people. We have a big family. We are not lacking for fellowship. That said, last Sunday my husband and I went to the MN Zoo. We were looking at the camels. Most of the camels were all hanging together at the top of the hill. Then I looked and saw one lone camel all by itself at the bottom of the hill. Out of the blue, I turned to my husband and said, "When I look at all those camels at the top of the hill, I think, those camels are Evergreen. That lone camel at the bottom is us." How weird and pathetic is that? We made the choice to leave, after all. We've been gone a long time. Leaving GC can be a very lonely thing to do.

One thing that many here have noticed is that it is very hard to leave GC. For me, the hardest part of leaving had to do with the lost friendships. You can't leave GC for doctrinal reasons and keep your friends. This is one of the reasons GC has ended up on cult watch lists in the past. It is very abnormal to not be able to leave a group and keep your friends. Identity with the group is one of the signs of a cult.

I came across this list many years ago on the Rick Ross web page on "Warning Signs" of potentially unsafe groups and found it helpful. I also appreciated the list of signs of a good group/leader.

http://www.rickross.com/warningsigns.html

But the bottom line is, I am sorry this has been so hard and you are lonely.

God bless you.

[MidnightRider]

sportsdude713,

Welcome to this forum. I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but many people here have stories similar to yours.

I don't know enough about you and your situation to tell you what all you need to do. Please give yourself time to recover. Things can get better.

[sportsdude713]

At first I didnt think I had much emotional damage just frustration.  But as I began to try to function in the real world I realzed how dependent I had become on that group identity to function.   I didnt know how to make friends or to interact or how to even plan my own life for myself.  i couldnt find a church becvause they didnt provide these things for m becaue I thought I needed them.  I've just become more and more aware of how messed up this experience has made me and I was only there for a year.

[wastedyearsthere]

GCx churches have a way of making you dependent.  They insist you ask for counsel for everything -- who to marry, what job to take, whether to go to college, who to live with -- every decision we were required to get "counsel" and you couldn't go against counsel.  I found it difficult after I left to make decisions.  I found it difficult to rely on God and not on the church.  At GCx - I had a community of "friends".  I haven't had that since I left.  Instead, I grew up.  I learned to rely on God, the Holy Spirit guiding me into decisions and learned how to make friends that liked me for me - not because I was a member of the church.  Hard, Yes.  Worth it Yes.  Things will get better for you - but it takes time, prayer, a good church and counselling helps.  The churches I now attend do not tell me what to believe - they lead me into what is Truth.  It was up to me (with God's help) to heal to understand the Bible and to grow.  I never realized how warped my view of God and how warped my understanding of the Word was until after I left.  I thought GCx was the only way to think.  I didn't know that God's Will wasn't to reach the World (only) as it was told to us.  It is still confusing to me what God's Will is since I was brainwashed to believe our only purpose was to reach the World. 

[Huldah]

Sportsdude, I think you've made a very positive step by going back to your previous school and major. You're slowly beginning to reclaim your life.

It might take some time to adjust to a non-authoritarian church at first, but as time goes by, you'll probably come to appreciate a church that respects your freedom in Christ. You indicated that you had Christian friends (non-GC) before you joined GC. Is it possible to re-connect with them?

Forgiveness can be a slow process. For me, praying for the people who've hurt me is what helps most. Sometimes my prayers are that God would bless them in spite of my angry feelings. Sometimes I pray for their spiritual growth (or their salvation, as the case may be). When I'm really overwhelmed by the injustice of things, I pray along the lines of the imprecatory Psalms. Pouring out my deepest pain and anger to God that way actually calms me down to where I can eventually pray for them in a spirit of grace and mercy. Before I can pray the "nice" prayers, I usually have to be very honest with God about all the negative things I'm feeling. When I come before Him in a spirit of pretense, as if I'm the perfect Christian who can forgive instantly, then the only one I'm fooling is myself. Not saying you're doing that, of course; I'm just throwing an idea out there for your consideration.

Two other things that help me forgive are getting validation from people who know what it's like (this forum has been a great help!) and trying to help others. Indeed, one way God uses our negative experiences is to give us a heart for what other people are suffering. Don't rule out the glorious, inexplicable possibility that God will use your time in GC to help you eventually love, serve, and know Him even better. He redeems us as people, and He redeems our bad experiences.

Edited to fix grammar.

[LucyB]

Sports dude:

I was outside raking up the remnant of leaves and sticks that the winter left behind, and noticing the buds on the trees and the promise of spring. I thought about you and prayed for you. You are in a difficult season. It's cold and dark, but spring will come again. Hang in there.
A verse that has given me comfort:

"Forget about what's happened;
   don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
   It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
   rivers in the badlands.  Isaiah 43:18-19 (The message)

[Janet Easson Martin]

Sportsdude,

I am sooo glad you came to this forum site.  I agree with everyone so far that you are now where we have been and that is DOES get better, and especially that you need people in your life that will encourage you along the brave but temporarily lonely path you have chosen so wisely.  That could be well-trained and gifted christian counselors, a recovery group or program, a safe group of christians for bible study or just plain fun.  One group that is free is "Celebrate Recovery" which meets all around the country and includes recovery even from spiritual abuse.  God wants so much to meet your need - ask him to lead you to an encouraging and safe group.  Ask him to help you make some healthy friendships.  What others have said here to you is very honest and empathetic.  Of course, your most encouraging, honest, and healthiest friend is Jesus himself.  We are all desparately messed up people who must rely on Him daily.  To say any different would be a deception.  I love the precious promises shared previously - cling to them with everything you've got.  Here is one God gave to me in an extremely difficult time and I watched him do it almost immediately as I clung to the divine words:

"For the Lord will surely comfort Zion and have compassion on all her ruins;
He will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing".          _{Isaiah 51:3}

Recovering with You,

Janet

[Janet Easson Martin]

Captain Bible,

Your note was so honestly compassionate and helpful to many.  Thanks for sharing.

Janet

[BTDT]

Sportsdude -- I'm *so* glad you found this place.  I'm also very glad you're seeking healing and support and advice so soon after leaving. 

One of the underlying messages of GC is, "don't trust yourself".  Trust yourself.  Trust who God made you to be.  Trust the very God who lives within you to speak to you, and move you. 

Follow your heart.  Long ago, God removed the heart of stone from your flesh, and gave you a heart of flesh. It is *not* deceptively wicked; it has been renewed and restored by God.  Follow your heart.  Your *real* heart.

You might need some patience when finding a new church.  My wife and I have been through a few of 'em (we're both ex-GCers).   We've learned not to depend on a church to provide all of our friendships, yet we've found some good friendships in churches along the way.  I hope you can reconnect with some of your pre-GC friends, and I'm confident you will make plenty of friends along your way.

-Ed-

[dreadier then thou]

they consume your life. thats what these people do. and the dangerous part is they dont even realize it. in still trying to figureout who to get away from this thing but its some massive in my city i might have to move.