what have I done? my guilt as a former GCM small group leader.

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[512]

Hi

I am new to this site and still reading through all the discussions and posts.  My head is spinning and my heart is so thankful for this forum. 

Does anyone feel guilty for buying into the GCx ick and falling for it hook, line and sinker? 

These words below ring so true for me - quote from "EAS" on the Totally Committed post:

"Neither of us ever questioned the wisdom of our leaving after that, only the wisdom of ever having been involved."

I was involved with a GCM church for 3 and 1/2 years.   The first year or so I didn’t see the dark side.  I saw things that I didn’t agree with, but they seemed like small things, and freedom was spoken of.   Then I took steps and drew closer, moved into the core.  I hit a few bumps, the healthy leaders I was “under” were either kicked out or fell so far out they were ashamed out.  In several cases, there are leaders who can not bear the pain of walking into any church again. 

With those leaders no longer there moderating and mitigating the abusive side of GCM, I saw the cold reality for myself.  I never followed the leaders on e v e r y t h i n g blindly.  I never followed GCM but was trying to follow Christ within GCM, never was willing to take my leaders word as gospel truth, just advice – never willing to give up my non-GCM job/friends/connections to other churches…  and I was critized and pressured and eventually kicked out for it.    (But then I was already running away when they kicked me out/)   

I also saw some severe damage done to friends, covering up of criminal behavior and even sexual abuse by a small group / worship leader (who is thankfully still in prision today.) 

And I ran, fast and far…   

Somewhere in the middle of my time with GCM, about 2 years in, one of the other churches in town that I had friends with was declaring that the GCM church was a cult.  They actually convinced the local University Religious Directors Board to vote that the GCM church was a dangerous cult.  I kid you not - several sets of parents were on planes to get their kids out as a result.  The reasons they gave that they thought the GCM were not based on fact or any evidence.  Just rumor.  They happened to be reasons that were small, and easy to prove wrong.   No one who was declaring them to be a cult had even been to the GMC church, or spoken to anyone with the GCM church.  I went to the leadership of the non-GCM church, and to the reglious directors board and said this stuff is not true, let me show you what they teach.   I also went to the leadership of the GCM church - and told them what was up.  I pointed out that while the claims they were making were false, there were some serious problems, and something did need to change, seriously. 

As for the non-GCM church and the Religious Directors Board, they withdrew their claim that the GCM church was a cult and even apologized for jumping to conclusions.  They apoligized to me, and to the GCM church.  They modeled true humilty and love.  That relgious directors board eneded up being the healthier side. 

With the GCM church.  They were glad, and saw me as the link to the board.  They asked me to write out what I had been told and how it was not true.  I did write an email about what I had heard, and copied it to the Board and to the GCM church.  I did not write out how they were not true.  I figured that was up to the GCM church to prove.  At least I did that.   Still, it was published and passed around as if it was evidence how good the GCM church was.   When I said wait, here are some real problems that you all really do have - I did see amazing turn around there too.   Some of the healthier and not abusive leadership really changed things, and tried to shift the church as a whole into a more positive direction.  And yet in the process, some leaders still warned me about “outsiders”…  just yet another reg flag...   

Seeing the change, I stayed at the GCM church… the leaders that made the changes into a healthier direction quickly left or were kicked out within the next year.   Then I saw just how right the Relgious Directors Board really was, it was actually a dangerous cult and the reasons they are a dangerous cult are much, much worse than what they had claimed.   

I feel sick that I didn’t later go back to them and tell them they are right.  (maybe I should?) 

After GCM, I was very hurting.  I connected to another church – only to find that I was “too messy”…  the whole reason why I was drawn to GCM church in the first place was because I saw some element somewhere that they were trying to be real and relevant and accepting of people with messy pasts…  oh, how little I knew!   

Now it is 7 years later, and I am just now involved with a new church – and all the wounds from my involvement with GCM are resurfacing.  For the most part, I ran from them, and didn't spend much timelooking back.   But now I am becoming a real part of this new community of believers with this church...  and anything and everything that even sounds like anything similar to any of the abusive stuff with GCM, I immediately push back.  Innately, insitively.   Almost in a PTSD flashback kind of way.   Yet again and again, this community encourages my questions, those who dissent, encourages how I am connected to other churches (which I am already and always will be – it has helped save my faith in God from being screwed by The Church any more than it already is.)   This church – they don’t care if you ever come to a service or not, serve at ANYTHING or not.   You can homeschool, or not – date or not – and no one cares.  You can drink or abstain, just as long as you don't hurt anyone.   I screamed at the pastor once for something that I just freaked about – she told me she was hurt, I realized I was orver reacting and seeing what wasn't there.... just out of fear.... and she admitted that I was right, even if I was overreacting...  and she really changed how she was doing something.  Like really.  And didn't make me feel any less of a person for flipping out.  I asked if I could do a project for some homeless kiddos and was encouraged to do it.   No one asked me to volunteer for things, but occasionally ask - what is my heart?  my dream?  what has God designed me to do - and how can they support me?   A pastor seriously asked me that.   Should I be so surprised?    She ended up doing this veru small adminsirative part of this project for these kiddos.  It was like Jesus - when he washed feet...   Why is this so rare and surprising to me? 

 They care about grace and truth being lived out in love…  It’s a church with people who are real about their problems, the pastors first and foremost.  It’s a church adamant that there is many voices – often the pastors are the ones handing out programs, not the ones speaking.   They encourage me to be connected and get advice form people outside of the church.   They really try to be safe – because a good percentage of those in the church have been hurt by other churches.

Ok, ok… I realize they are kinda far to the other end of the spectrum – but it is healthy… 

… as far as I can tell. 

And I just do not trust me or my discernment about churches anymore.  Not after heartache with GCM.  And the heartache is real... real damage was done to many lives...  sexual abuse overlooked by leadership is a big freaking deal!

I am so skeptical, so fearful, so jumpy to be involved with this new community it is making me realize my wounds go much deeper than I thought.  I am realizing just how much I have let my experience with GCM effect me. 

I recently re-connected with an old friend at the GCM church.  (no one from the GCM church reached out to me when I left years ago)  They are still involved with GCM, and know very well I never will be.  I'm not sure why I asked if she wante dto meet up sometime, but she did.   They showed me some of the stuff from faithwalkers, and their current involvement.  As she told me about it all, ay heart sank through the floor.  Is this what I was a part of?  I went back through an old box of GCM materials – yes…  to a big degree, it was… only even worse now…

But how did I not see it back then?  I look back through everything - and it wasn't there, the bad abusive side, until I got far enough in.  So how then can I tell if another church is just really behind the scenes going to be just like GCM?   They are out there, I know this fact too well from the experiences I have had since then, and the experiences of friends connected to other parts of Christiandom.   

I find myself sick with guilt that I was a part of GCM.   I went online and looked up information, found out about how deep the history of abuses goes, and found this site.  I am so encouraged and relieved that there are others calling out what is wrong here.  I was at one of the national head GCM leaders house more than once... and even just reading that name kills my heart.  I when on a missions trip with another leader who I have now read documents from...  I read them and feel sick.  What was I thinking?  How did I not see back then how sick they were?  The rehortic hasn't changed that much from when I was there -how did I not see how messed up this is?  ugh...  why, why did I stay as long as I did?   

I wonder, for myself, how did I get sucked in so far?  How did I stay so long?  Who did I hurt?  Who did I support that hurt other people?  ugh.  My heart is so broken.

I have wondered for 7 years if I should go back and tell that Religious Directors Board that I am sorry, I was wrong.  It probably wouldn’t matter to them…  but it would me.  maybe.  Should I?  Really, I should just let go...

Does anyone else ever feel bad, like guilty, ashamed that they were a part of GCM? 

Does anyone else feel ashamed to walk into any church again?  I feel like a fool sometimes for thinking it could be different. 

I am a mixed up mess.   I am trying to sort this all out. 

I know God, I know he loves me, and that part of the journey with him is to BE the church – be connected to one, involved with the community of believers, the Body of Christ, and live out the ways of Christ wherever I go.   

But wow, my heart and head are spinning.  I don’t want to repeat the pattern of the past.  There are other churches that are GCx-like.  I just want to follow Jesus… and not forsake the gathering of believers… in the healthy way that Christ calls us too.   And I want to heal from the wounds of GCx, not let them take anything more from me. 

I am forgiven and free. 

emily

oh my gosh!  I am so sorry to rmable on so long.  I guess I had more I needed to say than I thought.  Thank you for this forum and for reading this.  Any feedback would be great. 

[AgathaL'Orange]

Emily,

Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.  You seem to be suffering from what a lot of us deal with... NO RESOLUTION.  There's no admission of guilt on their part, no formal censure from any body of believers, no CHANGE on their part.  Basically, people leave... lots and lots of people leave.  And GCx thinks, "Well, there's something wrong with THEM.  They aren't loyal, etc."  instead of changing.  They don't want to change.  They want to be more like they were at the beginning, in fact.  So the bad old days are the goal to them, at least that's what they say!  So, I don't blame you for feeling like you do.  And hopefully very, very soon you'll find your balance again and make peace with the past.  Hopefully, it will all become clear how all of that was used to make you who you are!  It's a journey that really can be used for good even if it's hard to see it!

[EverAStudent]

Welcome to the forum, Emily!  It is withouit doubt that I say that most here are pleased that you have found the forum.

This is a hard thing to come to grips with.  We are all culpable for having chosen to be involved with GCx, so our guilt is deserved.  Many of us were deceived as to the nature of abuses that hid below the surface, so GCx deserves guilt.  God forgives all sins (and stupid decisions), so, with time, it is possible for the emotion of guilt to grow weaker or even disappear.  One must be convinced that God really does forgive all confessed sin, He is a God of love, and He is righteously just to forgive our evil choices.

Yet, the sincerity we had when we were "in" was precious too.  And we do not want to grow cold toward God or other brethren.  But we do need to be more discerning.

Finding other churches is not easy.  And some other churches are governed by men greedy for power and control, just like the situation you have left.  Rest very much assured, some are not.  All pastors are fallible, being sinners like we are, but they are also more driven by love of God and love of the brethren than their GCx counterparts.  My prayer is that you will find such a church.  

Blessings.

You know, I would like to add one more thing, as a reminder to all of us, there is NO such thing as "the good old days," not the good old days of GCx, not the good old days period.

For oppression makes a wise man mad, And a bribe corrupts the heart. The end of a matter is better than its beginning; Patience of spirit is better than haughtiness of spirit. Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools. Do not say, "Why is it that the former days were better than these?" For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this. (Ecclesiastes 7:7-10)

[puff of purple smoke]

Hi Emily! Thank you for sharing, your post touched on a lot of things and speaks of someone going through the normal feelings after leaving an abusive group. I have experienced many of the same things you have after leaving and I empathize.

And I just do not trust me or my discernment about churches anymore.  Not after heartache with GCM.  And the heartache is real... real damage was done to many lives...  

I understand. It's hard to go back into a new church and not look at the leaders with suspicion. We go into GCM so naive, and come out with a real understanding of the ways in which power can be misunderstood and abused. This makes it so that believers in other churches sometimes have a hard time even grasping where we are coming from. I suppose it is good that so many churches don't abuse - but it makes it hard for someone who's been abused to be understood and ministered to because their needs are so much different than those of a standard churchgoer with no bad experiences!

I recently re-connected with an old friend at the GCM church.  (no one from the GCM church reached out to me when I left)  

Happened to me too - to GCM people you don't exist unless you're in GCM. It really opens your eyes to the true nature of the "friendships" held there, sadly.

I have wondered for 7 years if I should go back and tell that Religious Directors Board that I am sorry, I was wrong.  It probably wouldn’t matter to them…  but it would me.  maybe.  Should I?  Really, I should just let go...

I would say yes, although you're right, 7 years later they may not care. But they might.

Does anyone else ever feel bad, like guilty, ashamed that they were a part of GCM?

Does anyone else feel ashamed to walk into any church again?  I feel like a fool sometimes for thinking it could be different.

I think this is very normal. You will have to remind yourself that your intentions while in GCM were not bad - and even the intentions of those who spiritually abused you (usually) - but good intentions can result in a lot of harm. You'll have to learn to accept this and forgive yourself so you can move on.

Thanks again for sharing.

[saved]

I'm kinda new at this forum, too.  My husband doesn't read it, but we've been talking about what I've been learning.  He's now concerned about the people we know who are still in GC.  And how they can stay there and not see it.  But then, we didn't...

He's struggling, too, because God is revealing not only the abuse he received there, but the far more serious abuse he received before (in his family) and after (in the church we went to when we left).  He feels bad for having us go to the next church.  He feels angry at his abusers.  I tell him that's a symptom.

And he wonders why God had us there... or anyone there... but that's like wondering why any bad/difficult/traumatic/pain happens in our lives.  God was there through it all.

But for me, it's relief.  At last (after 20 years!) I have an explanation for some of the really deep issues he is starting to face... the deep seated anger from before we even met is a symptom of the spiritual abuse he suffered as a teen (and pre-teen).  And I have a framework to understand some of the things that I experienced, and an opportunity to become more objective about such things as submission, and service, and humility.

As far as your guilt... I have no hard feelings towards the people who abused me spiritually.  I doubt many of them even realize their actions were harmful.  If and when they do, I hope they repent before God and receive forgiveness from Him.  He can and does bring healing. 

As far as going back to that Board... I'd pray about it.  If you just can't stop thinking about it, then go back.  They may not care (although I think they probably will), but it will be a good thing for you and your healing.

I think your fears are very normal.  I'd like to think that having had the scales fall from your eyes you are unlikely to fall into another abusive situation, but the church we went to after GC was also abusive and we left there eventually, too.

Yay for you for working with the kiddos.

[lone gone]

It is interesting that you "feel" "guilt" ( notice that each word is quoted separately) about your involvement. We all have to feel something and each of us feels it differently. I never felt guilty, but I was deeply embarrassed for the way I treated my friends and relatives while attending the Ames Church. That spiritual elitism really dampened my relationships and to have to admit I was mistaken and in error was shattering.

But as for feeling guilt, nah.  In fact I remember that part of my testimony ( which was in my testimony tract) while being involved with the church was that I had been using drugs and alcohol before joining. I even "boasted" about it so that God would be more glorified in having saved me from it.

Today I can tell my story and not feel embarrassed. Many people find it fascinating that I was involved in a cult-like church. I can "boast"
 that God saved me from it.

And from my perspective, many many many people display devotion to something cult-like in many areas of their lives. They may believe and hold to business, education, relationships, possessions, hobbies, social connections, or sports in the same way that that someone holds to a "religious cult".  The latest buzzword is "passion" as in  "what is your passion",or "what are you passionate about". Having lived through some mid-life turmoil and having dealt with "my passion" I can say that anyone examining life through the lens of "passion" will be regretting something in the future.

[AgathaL'Orange]

I also feel embarrassment over my involvement with GCx.  Mostly because I was SO SURE that their simple Christian walk was so right.  How great it was that the kids followed in the parents' footsteps.  How respectful the children were.  How generous people gave.  How people lived the way they talked.

Then my eyes were opened and all of those things took on a sinister bent.  I had been sure that their Christian walk was so right because they kept telling me it was right, that they were different, that we were special.  I thought kids followed parents because in their heart of hearts that was their dream... until adult children I knew had to stay near their parents, and I thought long and hard about "committing to the movement for life."  The children were respectful because of parenting to be sure, but the incredible pressure to spank even children with severe emotional and medical issues didn't ring true to me.  The people gave beyond what they were able, but no hungry person benefited... instead the money went for college ministries and a big shiny building.  I'm sure they rationalize it as saving people's souls.  And I'm glad they care about that, but I can't live that way.  I was in severe depression.  I felt helpless, trapped, and with no future.  The idea of giving money away that we KNEW we would need later for a building campaign (close to ten thousand dollars in addition to our tithe) wasn't seen as anything special. 

My GCx church was full of sincere, kind people.  I still miss them and the fellowship.  But I can't go back because THEY are TRAPPED.  They are oppressed.  They can't see it.  I still love them, but I'm embarrassed for them too.

[puff of purple smoke]

It is interesting that you "feel" "guilt" ( notice that each word is quoted separately) about your involvement.

While in GCx your moral code takes on a strange form and you might end up justifying things (such as ending friendships because they are not "fruitful" enough, or if you're in leadership, lording your authority over others because you've been taught that's what you are to do) that at the time seemed right, but over time you have come to regret. A good friend of mine feels guilt because of how she treated her parents while in GCx. And yet, while in the movement she had sincere intentions, believing her "spiritual family" was the only important thing. I do think guilt is a nature feeling for many who have left the group.

[Angry]

"...I have wondered for 7 years if I should go back and tell that Religious Directors Board that I am sorry, I was wrong.  It probably wouldn’t matter to them…  but it would me.  maybe.  Should I?  Really, I should just let go..."

In the event that the gc* branch you are describing is located in southeast Michigan, PLEASE tell the local University.  Both the University and the local police are aware of the troubled past of this group, but their hands are tied under the pc "freedom of religion" from doing anything.  By reporting your experience, they will be more and more likely to caution incoming freshmen and their parents about this dangerous group.

PLEASE tell the University as part of your "letting it go" process.  You may save a young person's future.

Here's to your continuing healing.

 

[512]

Hi - thank  you sooo much for reading and the feedback...  I have just been reading other posts and processing, praying, thinking...  so glad for this site and that there is a place like this and other people who are calling out this sick stuff.

The worst is just realizing how much I was lied to – and how much I wanted to believe the B.S.  It hard now – I question everything, so much.  I will never be quite the same.  Some of this I am glad for.  Most of it, especially right now, just hurts. 

some of the B.S. GCxers said to me, I took personally, blamed it on me, figured I was just too screwed up to be a good of Christians as they were – as “godly” (little “g” on purpose).   Oh, even that phrase makes me sick now.  Those at this GCM church used to talk about being “a Godly Christian” so much.   Some of it was with great intentions – but so often it turned into trying to be gods, not Godly.  

I do also carry responsibility… too much.  But it is there, some of it deserved, some not.  I was never in much position of much authority, and quickly began to push back enough that I was kicked right out.  I did not do or go with the program.   In a way, there is almost an encouraging element that I was too stubborn to be considered long term leadership material in a seriously screwed up church!  Thank God!   

I still carry a deep sense that I made some really screwy decisions about who to hang with.  Some of it I am learning to let go of as false guilt, the rest I am trying to let go of as a matter of Grace… 

I think I will be speaking to the religious directors board – or writing a letter.   One to follow up the previous one, so mis-used by GCM.  It's mostly just for me, to set the record straight... 


AgathaL'Orange: 

You seem to be suffering from what a lot of us deal with... NO RESOLUTION.

One of the hardest things is that they would not even sit down and have a real conversation about what was seriously just messed up…

EverAStudent – we do need to be more discerning.   Now – when I hear anything at all like some of the sick stuff with GCM, I ask more questions…  I try not to jump and assume they are the same, but I have such a sensitive radar for Christian BS – sometimes I have to remind myself that there are safer healthier churches out there… not everywhere is a screwed up as GCM.

puff of purple smoke

but it makes it hard for someone who's been abused to be understood and ministered to because their needs are so much different than those of a standard churchgoer with no bad experiences!” 

Oh my gosh – just recently I asked a friend “has anyone ever seriously said this church is a cult and listed reasons?” 

They looked at me a little funny, and said “uh… no… why?”   I just started to cry.  I remember when GCM leaders would say behind closed doors -  “well, aren’t we supposed to be like a cult?”  I have read the same response on this website now by GCMers...    NO.  no organization should ever have such a quick answer or even say another answer I heard more than once “yes, just not a dangerous one.”    Why the heck did I not run at this?!  It was weird enough they all had such a quick and easy answer!   I didn’t stay much longer after hearing this crap, and so much worse, but shiesh…  I can’t think that there is any real connotation of “CULT” that any Christian group would aspire to.  Christ called us to community, to commitment to Him, not cult-ish behavior!!!   Perhaps I am too jumpy and angry now – but I rather error on the side of being with a church is not like a cult than being a church so simillar to one that I have a quick defense tobeing accused of being a cult.


saved -  I can identify with your husband.  I am realizing this in the middle of realizing a lot more sick abuse.   Sad thing is that it is abused folks who often get pulled into groups like this.  I am glad that understanding how all this stuff affects him is helping you…   and glad for your compassion.

lone gone – embarrassment is a good word for much of what I feel.  I hope that someday I can tell the story and not feel embarrassed.  It gives me hope that you have.  I really love your point about “passion”….

Angry – no, it is not in Michigan…   I’m so sorry to hear this sick stuff is not just in my own state…

thank you again.