Wondering if I should leave!

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[wondering]

Anyone out there that is a former attendee of Evergreen Bloomington? I am considering leaving. Twice now I tried to submit my testimony but it would not post due to timed out.  Short...I have been attending for almost 20 years. a lot has happened over the years which has lead me to question things. They are about to celebrate their 25th anniversary and do their fall kick off thinking maybe now I can leave without them noticing.. I have been rebuked many time for questioning things. They keep telling me I don't have enough faith, read my bible more, pray more, I'm not tithing enough ( I was unemployed at that time and had to rely on a food shelf to eat)  etc,,,, I was told I am a sinner for questioning things. I told some of the pastors recently about a illness and I was told it was I did not have my walk right, and it was repeated to me about not having enough faith, not praying enough, etc... Yet later a medical reason was found for things. I have been questioning this for a while and even started to get counseling over it.  When I do questions things suddenly people don't want to talk to me because they want me to get my walk right first. I feel worse now that when I first started to attend.  I would like to  get an opinion of someone who has left. As I read through this web site I see that a lot of the reason I am thinking of leaving are mentioned.   I also put a note under the title "wondering". I first attended under the assumption I was going to a kids play. now aware at the time it was a church service. 3 weeks later I committed to the church.    IF this is too short please look at my post under the name wondering.  Now might be the time for me to leave but I need encouragement. I am afraid to leave for a lot of reasons.  Mainly that I will lose friends and the shame they make a person feel and what I have seen in  recent years to people who have decided to leave. I want to know how it is for others who leave. Please contact me. Signed wondering. IF they find out I wrote this I am sure that I will get even more rebukes. Is there life outside of ecc? Is your walk with God better? How tough was it to find another church?
Is evergreen a cult? Do I go to a different church? help me please!

[EverAStudent]

Dear "Wondering,"

Only you can determine if you should leave or not. 

Questions you will need to ask yourself:
1) am I actually a born again believer in Christ?
2) am I growing in Christ?
3) are the leaders qualified to pastor this church?
4) does the church train me in doctrine such that I can recognize and avoid false doctrine?
5) has the church put my spiritual gifts to good use for the kingdom?
6) is true holiness modeled and encouraged or is legalism encouraged and modeled?

Irrelevant considerations are:
1) will they still be my friends if I leave? (you will make new friends anywhere you go)
2) is there spiritual life elsewhere? (God has His people all over this planet)
3) are all other churches "God's second best"?  (what elitism, arrogance, and blasphemy to think so...as if God would favor one smallish denomination over all His other children)

Only you can decide what to do, so ask as many questions as you can, pray about it, and apply the wisdom that God has built into your regernated mind.

[Huldah]

Speaking from my own experience, leaving is hard. There's so much to learn and unlearn, and so much starting over to do. But it can be done. Personally, I'm grateful to be out, even though the transition was painful. I don't see any value to staying in a situation where you're spiritually abused, especially when there are other churches available that won't do that to you. JMO.

[wondering]

Thank you both for responding. Yes I am a born again believer, Jesus is my Lord and savior. I have not grown there is a number of years. Since they were all about raising money for their new building, the church was focused on that, then when moved into the new building it became all focused on kids and families. It no longer reaches out to everyone but focuses only on the kids and families. The pastors and leaders are raised up from within. All have degrees in other areas such as business or science. I have not been taught on how to recognize false doctorine. I have used my spiritual gifts and am using them. I have volunteered many years in the church, done7 missions trips, moved to help start a sister location and moved back again. When I I was no longer getting fulfilled spiritually fulfilled I started to make suggestions and question some things I was told as a female I was not to question the male leadership. That was when I was subjected to guilt and shame by saying I must not be reading my bible, praying, etc... I actually got very upset and tried as they said. I had to stop tithing for  a period due to being unemployed. I even showed a pastor my finances  and each month I had less than a dollar left after paying bills with no money to get gas, grocery or seizure meds. I was asked to still tithe. I was shocked at this. Again the guilt and shame came on, even worse. I found work. At that time I was shamed because they thought I should have gotten a job sooner. I eventually saw a counselor who determined the things upsetting me was the responses I was getting from the church. I also had a couple other things happen which were found to have medical causes.  I am tired of the shame, guilt. I see it is getting very controlling and very legalistic. I am looking for a good time and good way out without a lot more guilt and shame thrown at me.  I see have what has been done to others. They have asked others to leave  who question them too much, others have left on their own. I have had pastors say not to speak to people who have left in the past and I was told that they have to publically admit their were wrong before they will be allowed back in the church.  I would like to stay in contact with some very good friends but am afraid the pastors will then go up to them and tell them not to speak to me as they have said to others in the past.  I am looking for suggestions on how to leave so it is a win-win situation. One that would honor God. 

[EverAStudent]

LOL  My questions were meant to be introspective and not answered in public.  Sorry to have been unclear about that.

Nonetheless, I suspect you have come to a conclusion as to what you are going to do via the exercise of answering those questions.  

If you have decided to leave, and you really do not want the drama associated with such a parting, I suggest trying something like this:  Write a short note to the lead elder and inform him you have decided that God's Word has led you into a different ministry direction outside that church but you wish them all the best on their own spiritual journey.  No specifics are necessary, and if someone presses for specifics, simply state that it is a highly personal thing and you need to keep the details private for now.  

Blessings.

[Huldah]

I agree with EAS. Keep it short, kind, and dignified. No need to be drawn into drama or to go into detail.

I would like to stay in contact with some very good friends but am afraid the pastors will then go up to them and tell them not to speak to me as they have said to others in the past.

There's no denying that it's possible. In my opinion, the risk is minimized if you leave quietly and without fuss. But even if the risk is slight, it's one of the factors you must prayerfully weigh while deciding.

[Linda]

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

I am well aware of the suppression of speech involved with those who leave and have first hand knowledge that people were told not to ask us why we left Evergreen. This is not normal. This is not right.

I am sorry you fear losing your friends. I hope this doesn't happen and pray that you can find support. If you know others who have left, that is a wonderful place to start because they understand immediately what you are talking about.

You are free to leave. You are free to express your theological opinions publicly and it is not slander. You are free to disagree with a pastor and it is not slander. A pastor has no more say in your life than any other Christian. This is not the Old Testament where God truly did speak through men. Disobeying Moses was disobeying God, but that changed after Pentecost. We have the Holy Spirit.

[BTDT]

Hi, Wondering -- I don't need to repeat the good advice you're getting from others, but I'd like to add my own perspective.

Always remember, you have the Holy Spirit in you to guide and lead you. Listen to His voice, and don't let other try to take His place.  Also remember that your heart is *not* "wicked and deceitful" -- it is *good*, made so by God through the indwelling of His Spirit.

I realize that losing some friends is a risk, if they decide to listen to that "don't talk to them" nonsense.  In my experience, my real friends remained my friends, and I hope that is your experience as well.  But as EAS wrote, you can find friends just about anywhere.  Have no fear that you will find brothers and sisters in Christ outside of GC.  Be aware that developing new friendships takes time, and beware of "instant friendships".

Have you considered simply starting to attend another church, without announcing anything to the Evergreen pastors? You absolutely have that right; I don't think you owe them anything.  Of course, your friends will find out at some point, but if you don't make a big deal of it, then if a big deal is made, it will be squarely on those who made the big deal.  (LOL - did that make any sense? )

You're in our prayers.  God is with you on your journey.
-Ed-

[EverAStudent]

As you work through the implications and wisdom of changing churches, perhaps this article can provide some assistance: http://www.thefaithfulword.org/leavingchurch.html

[Linda]

Now might be the time for me to leave but I need encouragement. I am afraid to leave for a lot of reasons.  Mainly that I will lose friends and the shame they make a person feel and what I have seen in recent years to people who have decided to leave. I want to know how it is for others who leave. Please contact me. Signed wondering. IF they find out I wrote this I am sure that I will get even more rebukes. Is there life outside of ecc? Is your walk with God better? How tough was it to find another church? Is evergreen a cult? Do I go to a different church? help me please!

Just reread your post and wanted to add a couple more thoughts.

First, yes, there is life outside of ECC. I am living proof of that.

Sadly, if you leave and are honest about why you leave, you will most likely lose friends. I am living proof of that.

Is Evergreen a cult? I can't answer that. I can say that cults try to control people's lives and remove them from the influence of their friends and family. A church that would rebuke you for writing the note you wrote is dangerously close to being a cult. Living in fear of expressing your feelings is a terrible place to be. I am sorry you are in that place.

If it helps at all to hear, I want you to know you are not alone. I am so sorry. God bless you.

[AgathaL'Orange]

It's so hard to leave.

The way to do it is to put one foot in front of the other and just leave.  Once you are out, you will see all the hidden "tethers" that kept you there.  Then you will see that you weren't really tethered there all along and that the tethers keeping you there were control.  As scary and lonely (and it was lonely, for a good two years I'd say) as it was to leave.  It was also exhilarating, freeing, and the world seemed to become brighter and more full of hope and friendly faces. 

Maybe it was all in my head, but life is much better out than in, or at least it has been for us.

[trthskr]

When I left my gcm church, i was conseled by other Christians to write a letter to let them know I was removing my membership in the church.  It helped me to have closure and I was told it would be polite.  A few people still tried to guilt me into not leaving, but it was kinda funny to me that when they told me I'd be welcome to come back any time I wanted, to stare at them blankly and tell them I wouldn't be coming back.  No church should make you feel this bad if you've been called by God to worship elsewhere.  And also if someone is your real friend they shouldn't base it on the condition that you worship in the same church.  Thats not a real friend.  I left with confidence knowing that I wouldn't lose any real friends, I would just find out who my real friends are...and that was worth it to me.  How many people do I still talk to from the church? One, and not often.  The good news is that there are other churches and there are other people in those churches.  You will meet new fellowship

[Ophelia]

Dear Wondering,

You are in such a difficult situation and I totally empathize with wanting it to be a win-win. Unfortunately, no matter how you leave, it's going to be painful. You've said that you want to honor God with the way that you leave. Additionally, I would encourage you to honor yourself and your own needs as you consider what path to take. It looks like it's been a little while since your post. I hope that you have support from others in your life that value your opinions and experiences and don't feel compelled to silence you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting to leave. That is a sign that you are healthy and that you can think critically. GCM churches tend to have some incredibly unhealthy dynamics that can make you feel like if you leave that you're bad, unlovable or not a good christian. I really want you to not internalize those messages. It's not mean or unspiritual to take care of yourself or to tell people no.

Best of luck!