Article on abusive churches

I believe excerpts from this article from NACR have been posted here before, but they are so much like the arrogant and ungodly treatment we received in GCx, they bear repeating. The author and her husband returned to their group after leaving the first time. It took a closer look and second realization to see that they were indeed under spiritual abuse. She writes, it seems, to help others look at and learn what they finally uncovered. See the link at the bottom for the full article.

Breaking Free: What I’ve Learned About Spiritual Abuse

by Barbara Milligan
The National Association for Christian Recovery

…we didn’t think at first that what we had experienced was spiritual abuse. We had gotten involved in the church knowing that the pastor, Richard, and his wife, Jill (not their real names), were young and perhaps immature in some ways and that they came from a legalistic background.

…those two women were every bit as capable of leading a women’s ministry as any pastor’s wife. So why did she refuse to trust them? Were the deep personal needs that were being met by that group not important to her? Did she even recognize those needs? And was it not important to her that other people’s leadership gifts be developed? I felt discouraged about the church as I began to wonder how often other people’s needs were being swept aside because of Jill’s lack of trust and her desire for control, and why the pastor was allowing such things to happen. …

… there was the time that Richard asked John and me to meet with him after he’d heard that John and I were leaving the church. ... So we were caught off guard at the meeting when Richard announced that he wanted to read us a list he’d made of John’s “character flaws.” … John took it. And no, he didn’t burn it. He kept it, as a reminder of “how arrogant and how wrong” Richard was.

… there was the gradual and steady disappearance of the more spiritually mature people in the church. And no one seemed to know why any of them had left.
Then there were the subtle beliefs that originated with the pastor. There was the belief that if you are truly serving God, either you are in “full-time ministry” or you are preparing for it, and the rest of us working folks are a disappointment to God. …

…that God wants to heal you emotionally or physically, but if the problem isn’t gone after we’ve prayed for you two or three times, then you must be doing something wrong. And that the best way to heal an emotional need is to get busy for God—never mind your troublesome feelings, which aren’t important anyway.

…there were the self-serving claims Richard made in the church newsletters: Because the church was obeying God, he had blessed it by multiplying its numbers and enabling it to spin off several other churches and numerous highly successful ministries. A gross exaggeration. …
Part of the overall problem was that any attempt to confront someone in leadership had disastrous consequences. Anyone who expressed an opinion that the pastor didn’t like was understood to be unsubmissive, if not outright rebellious. Worse still, the associate pastors aspired to become clones of the pastor and were afraid to challenge him on anything. But none of this was common knowledge; it happened in secret.

…we hadn’t recognized sooner what an increasingly legalistic and addictive organization we had been supporting. Legalistic because no one could live up to Richard and Jill’s standards of performance except—according to their perceptions—Richard and Jill. And addictive because even those of us who were aware of Richard and Jill’s addiction to control seemed addicted to excusing their behavior. Because we didn’t want to lose our “family,” …

Saying the “right words” means nothing unless the words are backed up with action.
The book of James has much to say on this subject. Probably one of the most important scripture passages for pastors and church leaders to follow is James 3:13: “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.” Without loving actions, performed in true humility, the “right words” are nothing more than what my husband calls mouth music. *

Link:
https://www.nacr.org/center-for-spirituality-and-recovery/breaking-freewhat-ive-learned-about-spiritual-abuse

* What scripture calls a clanging cymbal.