3 1/2 yrs later?

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[CoyoteUGLY]

Hi all, been a while, i know...

Still trying to figure-out "where I'm at", and been pondering such. Today as I prayed I was asking God to help me figure-out where I'm at and show me how that compares to where He'd really like me to BE (not in those words per se)... one things stands-out to me as I do -- that those whom I left, are not unloved in my heart.

I still yearn for them, but not in a sense of needing their acceptance or approval, rather... my heart is connected to thiers, as family should be.

I'm not denying we had our issues, and that my views were/are not typical of GCM Theology, or even of modern evangelicalism, but I'm asking God if any of these views should keep me from loving those who follow Him in other ways, with other perspectives?

As I pondered this in prayer I had a waking vision of a bright path, lined, as it were, with white sheets. It turned to the right from the cross roads where I stood.

I'd be delighted to hear any interpretations. In short, what I feel as I review it in my mind is the tabernacle, it's outer hangings, and the representation it makes of fellowship among believers as they approach God...

I exchanged words with God at that point, but don't recall exactly what they were, no problem. But He brought to mind this forum, and a good many things I've voiced which have potential for pain toward others as I voiced my grief when I first left. So now, some 3 1/2 years after I first posted here, I honestly feel that my main concern with leaving GCM and my loved-ones there, is NOT about the doctrinal issues we argued, but about how they relate to the fellowship I broke. In a word, it feels very unresolved...

I think I'm ok with those issues being unresolved between us, knowing that God will wipe-away every tear, and that these friends are still inside my circle of associations. But I feel I am also leaving them unresolved with God. That I have backed-away from HIM in my pain, and it is time to approach, and to let Him help me resolve the conflict which I feel inwardly regarding my world-view & theological leanings.

any insights would be appreciated.

Shalom,
-Kelly

[TheAtheist]

I'm sorry you're having this dilemma. I would be happy to help you!

What I hear you saying is that you are looking for some way to evaluate your current state and compare it to an ideal state. You note you left people you care about and consider to be family. You also wonder about whether or not a distance should exist between you and those who have different views. Right?

[CoyoteUGLY]

Yeah Atheist, kinda like that, at least as far as evaluating my ideal state.

I'm not sure about the distance part. I really struggled with leaving, feeling like i abandoned them, or abandoned the plan I believed God desired for our community. But as the years have passed I can see where part of that struggle was with theology that was very exclusive. Their lack of desire to mull-over ideas that don't fit in their theology box is a pretty natural thing, we all have a tough time thinking outside our selected paradigms i suppose, so I shouldn't be too harsh. I'm still pleased to chat with them when we meet, but not anxious to share liturical dealings.

As to evaluating... a one-eyed man sees flat (as Roland Deschain would say, ha). So I really do often seek an ear to bounce ideas off of so that i can test the validity of the paradigms I've selected, but it's awfully hard to do. Not finding local folks who want to banter about Hebrew idioms and forensic church history, and it's just too time consuming to type about. ; ) But i sure do like your willingness to help, shoot me some ideas?

[TheAtheist]

There does seem to be a high degree of similarity of epistemology between the two paradigms. You both evaluate the truth based on understanding scripture. And it seems you both share a value of emulating the early church. I hope I am reading that right.