Leaving the battlefield.

Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

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[Captain Bible]

      I have been thinking about myself for the past few days. Looking at the things I believe and the choices I make. I have noticed an old prevailing way of thinking in myself that I feel has been simply poisonous to me. I was raised with the notion that we are fallen people who are inclined to sin and my parents were very concentrated on my short comings. I was an evil little devil who needed to be spanked into holy submission to the will of the God. I had an impossible strandard imposed on me from birth and it was only a matter of time before I would fall short of it. It did not help matters that my parents where looking for the slightest act of "evil" so they could stamp it out quickly. Turns out the only thing their stamping did was create evil in me.

    The message I received was far more damaging than the physical punishment of a spanking. I learned that I was filled with corrupt desires. Desires that came from my flesh which is of the devil. My flesh was the problem plain and simple. This message was learned well. I believed that I was inclined to evil and I expected to find it in myself. It may sound strange but I believe I have been trained to do evil. Evil is reinforced over and over in GC*, doing good is always the hard thing. The ever present battle of the GC* Christian is the breaking of our bodies. I call this the salvation tread mill. You keep on fighting but the fight against the flesh never ends. In this mind set you do not do healthy things because they make you feel good. Quite to the contrary, healthy behavior is a struggle. Healthy behavior is the hardest thing, it is challenging. In GC* sin comes natural, it is how you act and it must be beaten out of you. Sin is the necessity of the GC* faith system.

   I am feeling better about myself these days. I am starting to make healthy decisions because they feel good to me. My eyes are not as focused on my short comings. I am starting to enjoy being in my own skin and looking inward for the good not the evil. My life has become a lot less stressful  as a result. I remember how I felt when I left GC*: It was the real experience of being born again, like a dark cloud had been lifted from above my head. I think this process of self discovery continues as a person cultivates a spirit of mindfulness within themselves. As I have become more kind to myself, I am finding kindness replace the self hatred that has lived so long within my spirit. I am very happy with this discovery.    
   

[Captain Bible]

The truth is I never fit with that Church.
I tried to hide myself in the shadows,
or work till I was bone tired.

Those days are cold and dark.
Those faces are sad pictures.
I have always been afraid to be myself.
Because when I was I would get hurt.

I would read the Bible a lot,
and listen to the elders words
so I could tickle the ears of the brothers.

That Church was like some sick game.
I learned the rules by trial and error,
Found all the ways to protect myself from harm,
but the deep wounds would not leave.

I wasn't able to get out.
Not without tempting my own death.
I could not admit that I was loosing the game.

Sure I could quote the verses in the right places,
I could instruct the young believer,
but I couldn't be honest with myself,
and I lied to everyone else.

I didn't tell small lies, or lies that could be discovered,
I was the lie,
But I could not be believed.

They didn't want the real me,  
I don't fit the mold of their man.
I refuse to live my life in the tall black shadow
of something I am not.

[G_Prince]

I'm glad you feeling this way. Welcome to happyland!

GCx didn't invent original sin; This doctrine is held by most of Western Christianity and the battle against the flesh is universal from Pentacostals to Nestorians. However, GCx defiantly put a lot of emphasis on waring against "the flesh" more than you might hear in mainstream churches. I personally hate this philosophy and like you I'm glad I dumped it long ago. Like you said, once you stop finding faults in yourself, you also start giving the world a break. When I was in GCx, all I could see was sin and evil. People were bad, the world was broken, life was tainted. Now, however, the world is alive, people are good, and there is hope. It's amazing how simply changing your mind can alter reality! 

[Rebekah]

Thank you for sharing this. There's so much truth in what you say, and your poem is beautiful. Self-hatred is an absolutely critical part of the GC system. If you hate and distrust yourself, then you'll listen to them.

Even though I didn't grow up GC, I too grew up believing I was filled with all kinds of evil. And when I couldn't exactly pinpoint what that was as a seven-year-old, then I railed against my pride for not being able to see my own filthy sins. I would repeat that verse to myself "All your good works are like filthy rags" just so I could work up the disgust I knew I should feel about myself and my actions.

I'm so glad to hear that you're being kinder, healthier, and more loving to yourself. Cheers to you!!

I've left a lot of that behind, too. And, I have to say, I'm happier because of it. Oh, I know that I'm nowhere near saint level, that I'm stuck in my own head too often and that I don't show much faith in day-to-day living, but I can't exactly name my 10 most recent sins either. I'm working on embracing the power and beauty of who I am and shaking off that old me like a cracked and useless snakeskin. It's another rebirth. Me 3.0.

[Innerlight]

Captain Bible....I'll let Tozer do my talking (writing).  I'm so sorry you feel the way you do.  I went through something similar, but this passage had a great effect on me.  This is how God see's you and I.

From A.W. Tozer, “The Knowledge of the Holy”:

The Lord takes peculiar pleasure in His saints. Many think of God as far removed,
gloomy and mightily displeased with everything, gazing down in a mood of fixed
apathy upon a world in which He has long ago lost interest; but this is to think
erroneously. True, God hates sin and can never look with pleasure upon iniquity, but
where men seek to do God’s will He responds in genuine affection.
Christ in His atonement has removed the bar to the divine fellowship. Now in Christ all
believing souls are objects of God’s delight. “The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is
mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will
joy over thee with singing.”


Psalm 35:27
May those who delight in my vindication
   shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, “The LORD be exalted,
   who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

Psalm 149:4
For the LORD takes delight in his people;
   he crowns the humble with victory.

[Captain Bible]

Some of my writing when I was first De-Commissioning:

                   Group

It is the goal. It is our strength. Unity, Christian unity.
Love and community, my brother, my sister
In Christ I honor you. O sister I protect you.
If we are attacked by the devil we will pray.

We will unify. Hide me in the shelter till the rain stops.
In here I am safe. I will do anything to stay,
Please don't throw me out. I don't want to be alone.
I'll do what you say, I'll never argue. I'll submit.

Tell me what to think. I will honor you.
Tell me what to do. I will worship you and
Teach Sunday school. I will sing in the band
And set up for the show. Please don't throw me
Out side. Please don't throw me out.

Every one else is wrong. I know it. I'll give you
what you want, protect me from them.
Don't let me get attacked by them. I will be a good
Christian, I'll add more to the group,
I'll get more to join.

The outsiders can't be trusted, they believe lies.
Only we have the truth. We have the words of God.
No questions remaining. I am safe. I don't have
Any more questions...   
All I have to do is stay. Here with you. 

 

[Linda]

Thanks for sharing that, Captain Bible.

My desire to be accepted and belong was/is one of the hardest things to deal with in leaving GC. Still is. I am a people person. When I understood what GC believed, I had no choice but to leave. It's a lonely thing.

How ironic that a place that prides itself on unity is really quite divisive. If you are not "with" them 100% for life, they want no part of you. I heard Rick Whitney once say, "I won't be loyal to men who aren't loyal." Really? What kind of loyalty is that? It's not loyalty at all to say that. Certainly those of us who have left understand that there is no "loyalty" in GC. Friendships are conditional. "You stick with us, we have your back. You leave us, we are done with you."

I am very thankful that my commitment to Christ makes me a member of his Church for life. I am part of his Bride, the Church. There is only one bride. It's not striving for unity that brings us together, it's our dependence upon God's grace through Jesus Christ that unites us. God does the uniting. We don't.

I think you captured the emotion of false unity very clearly and many of us can relate to what you wrote. Thanks for sharing.

[EverAStudent]

How ironic that a place that prides itself on unity is really quite divisive. If you are not "with" them 100% for life, they want no part of you. I heard Rick Whitney once say, "I won't be loyal to men who aren't loyal." Really? What kind of loyalty is that? It's not loyalty at all to say that. Certainly those of us who have left understand that there is no "loyalty" in GC. Friendships are conditional. "You stick with us, we have your back. You leave us, we are done with you."

That was extremely well said, Linda.

[esperanza317]

I just posted on the ARISE thread, and again I can say. . . these posts could easily be by own words and story.  I'm encouraged that my experiences are not isolated, so these posts make me feel better.  I really thought I was completely in the wrong, in sin, and not following God.  It was quite by accident I found this site. . . well, maybe not by accident. . . the Lord knew I needed this.  I'm just now coming out of GCx . . . only a few weeks.  Please pray for me and my husband and twin sons who are 5 years old.  Please pray that I'm able to release the weight on my mind and shoulders that is keeping me from sleeping. . . I really need to be able to go to work tomorrow. . .

[Captain Bible]

Most often the truth is the hardest thing to tell.
How could right be so wrong? Lie to me please.
Spend your time lying.
Do you believe in God?   ...truly, I fear
To be alone, to love the calm. to possess
Hollowness and void. I feel all of
The agendas, worries, and props:
Are false faced stories.
You don't really give a s*** about me
It's all an act. but don't worry,
I'll play along with it
Pretend your my best friend.

My face does not portray me.
Time is liquid running through my fingers and
These are the years of discovery and journey.
I must leave where I am to
Progress to a new place.
To me there are no more careless words
Empty promises. time itself is all,
I am under its spell.

[Captain Bible]

It has been a long time since I was in the Great Commission, In a way I have a lot to be thankful for, the way I was raised.
My parents love me, no matter how much I have let them down, they still do. They just parented the way they where told. The way they believed was right. O, the people back there don't have the time to understand me, if they could see past the fog of their faith they would be lost for sure. I have let go of my fear of death, and the fear of hell: that is when I started to believe in something real. Perhaps that was my true rebirth. Your answers have no importance to me, don't trouble me with them. Tell your answers to the wind.

One of those men who I once fallowed told us, "We know the end, we win."
I seek no part in your victory. I do not wish to share your reward, it is worthless to me.    
They said, "This is my bible, there are many like it, but this one is mine."
And I used it like a whore...   But it would not let me sleep, I found a way to hope in those very pages that were "Mine."
They said, "I believe I can have what is says I can have."
... and no more? I have found life as well as death, and wonders that have no common language with ours.
I mean no dishonor to my fathers, these men who have given me their faith. How they pleaded with us, always fearing that we would slip into the darkness that encompassed them. How they fought with us to fallow the path of the the Lord. I thank them for it. It was what they had to do, it is what they know and love. I have nothing to say for myself. No counter argument to combat your truth. I have no lie to hold up as my fault line.

At a time some years ago, I came out of that gloom. It was a long and hard road to walk alone, I found a different way of seeing, not with the usual eyes. I traded assurance for uncertainty and I accepted my own death, than my whole religion died. The foundation that held up the structure buckled I stepped out of the shadows into the lights, into the WORLD. They hated that place. It was the realm of evil and pain. It was the house of the prince of the air. Into that place I have come with nothing to call my faith or my God. I know very little of God, so you see old teachers, I can't find a starting point with you. You who have a simple plan for the time you have left. You who will see God in your heaven. My words are of no use to you of The GREAT COMMISSION. For you have the battle to fight, the race to run, and no time to listen to these lies of mine.