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Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

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[banished]

Fall of 2005 my then girlfriend fled a GC* church that she was on staff with as an administrative assistant. At that time she had been living with the pastor and working for the church, so the church essentially had control over her finances and living situation. The pastor was verbally and emotionally abusive to her on a daily basis becoming increasingly worse over seven months. Because of this abuse she decided to, at short notice, leave to live in the same town that I was about to start my Jr. year at college.  Over the next several months we tried to address the issues without any success. By the end of summer 2006 we had been told that we were not welcome at any church function, but most of the congregation had no idea why we had left or any knowledge that we were asked not to attend.  People who used to be our friends cut off all contact with us. My family was pushed out of the church with no rational justification. Much of this conflict happend during a time when we were trying to plan our wedding (which took place in May 0f 2006) and in the first few months after we were married. This took away some of the joy of those times. We have not had much contact with that church since.

My main problem is, I don't know how to get past this. My wife still has panic attacks everytime her phone rings from an unknown number because she is afraid it could be the aggressor. Going to church is a chore for us both because we have trouble trusting anyone at church, especially leadership. Any time we see a vehical similer to the one our ex-pastor drives we literally go into hiding. Just the thought of what happened can put either of us in a bad mood for hours or days. My wife is distraught because she feels like nobody in leadership cares about what happend and because someone she trusted hurt her in some really bad ways. Going to visit my parents is uncomfortable because we are always fearful of accidentally running into someone 'bad' in public.

Should we just move on with our lives? Much of the pain that was caused was done in secret. Part of me wants to expose these 'pastors' for what they truly are. Should the congregation be made aware of what happened? I am torn because I feel like something needs to be done to bring the truth to light, but at the same time I don't want to open those wounds again. Any advice would be welcomed...

[namaste]

First of all, I am so very sorry for all that's happened.  As an individual who has been stalked, I understand how frustrating it is to be frightened to be in your own home.

That said, I'm going to respond to this on a few levels:

First, is there a basis for your fears?  By that, I mean: have individuals been calling you and harrassing you, have there been unusual phone calls (ie, repeated hang ups), have you noticed people/vehicles outside of your home, etc.?  Were you threatened in any way or was anything said that would lead you to believe that people will be "watching" you or attempting to contact you?

If you do believe that you're being monitored and/or stalked, you do need to take the appropriate precautions to protect yourself.  Googling for "stalking" will bring up some websites with quick tips on how to protect yourself.

You mentioned that you're more or less out of contact with the people in that church.  If your wife is generally edgy/freaked out (who wouldn't be?!) but you don't feel like there's any actual harrassment/stalking/efforts to "make contact" going on right now, then I would start counseling (if that's something your wife is ready for).

Good luck, and again, so sorry this is happening.  

[jehu]

Bringing the truth to light is difficult.  Many times bring your story forward help other people who have had a difficult time and felt they were alone.  It doesn't necessarily make healing easy if people are dismissing your personal truths as "anecdotal" however.  I was essentially stalked by pastors at the point where myself and others were bringing forward our testimony.  I also kept running into others from the church at an annoying rate, and didn't feel like it was coincidence.  This ended when I verbally insisted so with witnesses.

There are remedies to ongoing stalking, like carrying mace with the intention of spraying the stalker and immediately calling the police for record of the incident, which provides the necessary groundwork for a restraining order.  If however, this is a fear which persists after stalking has ceased, then you may relax.  Chances are that those people don't remember you often if at all.  This is the nature of an insular community.  Out of sight, out of mind.  In this instance it's better to work on relaxing and talking out those feelings with people who have been there before.  You aren't alone at all, and we appreciate your presence.

Later, only after possible threats have been countered, and the residual fear is gone, is a good time for "speaking out".  As a moderator here, I want to remind everyone we do have private forums of many kinds and many available groups as well.  We want you to feel safe and we will work hard to earn the trust of hurting former members.  Please let me know if there is anything to be done.  Thanks.

[banished]

Thanks for all your advice and support. Right now I don't feel like we are being stalked. It is more like a constant worry on our part, and we both realize that it is irrational.

[namaste]

banished-

there's NOTHING irrational about your fear.  You're concerned for a lot of very good reasons.  These indivduals asserted a great deal of control over your lives for a long time and you're rightly concerned about "how far" they would go.  Issues like you've described aren't just abusive, they show a clear ignorance of respect for boundaries.  It makes a lot of sense that you would be concerned about former church members ignoring the boundaries you've set.

In situations like this, blowing off your gut feeling that something's "off" is generally a bad idea.  But that doesn't mean your fears should be controlling your lives, either.  I really hope you'll be able to see a counselor experienced in these issues soon.  s/he should be able to give you some good "tools" on how to work with your concerns.

[unsubscribed]

I am so very sorry your joy was stolen away from you.  I think I might know you and i can say that what happened to you was shameful. I am thankful that your lovely wife escaped and that you are such a wonderful man for her.  God really knew what he was doing when he planned for you to be her husband .  She is so awesome you are blessed to have her for a wife.  I pray that you will find a place for you to worship and serve.  Youth is a terrible thing to waste.  I pray for you and your wife every day. Please do not let the lables put on you by GCM bring you down you did not do anything wrong.  I wish there were more men of your stature serving God today.