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Author Topic: Be A Man!  (Read 13367 times)
G_Prince
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« on: March 13, 2007, 03:29:07 pm »

It is only in the past few years that I have been able to understand myself. What I like, what I’m good at, what I’m passionate about. Looking back on the years I attended GCM, it simply doesn’t feel like me. I cringe. I want to run away from that memory which seems so untrue to me.

I really feel like I was brainwashed to a certain extent. While attending, I was constantly aware of two aspects of myself, the first part being ruled by my deep desires and intuition. This part, however, was always dominated by the second, the “what I should be doing with my life,” part. This guilt heavy portion was installed by GCM and constantly shot down the core nature of my person. I felt extremely incompatible with all the character qualities which GCM held dear because they were not a fundamental part of me. When I attended church, life group, or any other activity I wore a costume. To this day most of my friends in GCM have no clue who I really am.

The problem centered around “being a man.” This translated into strong leadership skills, passionate convictions, a clear and unshakable moral code, a black and white concept of the world and an unwavering life purpose. I posses none of these attributes and thus always felt as though I was not a real man.

Being a man also meant practical career or life goals. This has more to do, I think with neo-1950’s male chauvinism than with any biblical principle. GCM men fix things and are handy around the house. They get degrees in field which have numerous and well paying jobs. They don’t like their careers, just tolerate them. A good GCM job is something that provides for family and church. Men are the breadwinners.

I wasn’t going to be a breadwinner. I was studying literature because I loved it. Yet this seemed to be a real head-scratcher to most GCM men. “Well,” they would often say. “I guess writers need Jesus too.” Doing something you loved outside of the church just didn’t make sense to them.

I was deeply hurt on numerous occasions by one particular church leader who would beat me into submission by telling me to be a man. During one retreat I complained about a restaurant our group had attended. Later that day he took me on a walk and told me real men don’t whine and complain and that I need to step up and become one. I was so shocked that I couldn’t explain that I was simply joking and instead started crying.

I knew I needed to become a “man” but that I just didn’t have it in me. It was a terrible feeling. I was essentially worthless to the movement and even worse, worthless to God. What purpose could a sensitive, Lit major be to a God who needs action, commitment and radical purpose? Sadly I now also began to sense this same despair in some of my other male friends. I could see that they too felt insecure about their masculinity and were pitting their true ambitions against the GCM model man. However, no one could really admit this struggle because it was close to heresy. According to GCM, all men are created this way, and if you don’t measure up then the fault is yours. I knew I could never measure up.

I didn’t leave GCM by choice; I left because I had nothing to offer this church. Frankly I doubt that anyone noticed my departure.
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Here's an easy way to find out if you're in a cult. If you find yourself asking the question, "am I in a cult?" the answer is yes. -Stephen Colbert
AgathaL'Orange
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« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2007, 02:58:26 pm »

That was similar to what we experienced in our GCM church too… as far as the roles and personalities of men anyway.
That must have been really awful to have felt misunderstood while feeling unable to defend yourself. In “normal” life you aren’t walking around expecting a “rebuke” so when one comes and takes you by surprise it isn’t something you are really prepared for.
GCM is very practical. It is easier to have strong leaders who encourage submission to authority than to have multiple views, honest differences, and messy variables.
We didn’t fit. They weren’t going to change. They didn’t want to help us fit. Therefore we were a hindrance. We left on our own, but in their minds, I think it was, Good Riddance!
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Genevieve
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« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2007, 02:58:39 pm »

Gene,
I’m so sorry you were made to feel so bad about your masculinity. A real man doesn’t need to be told who he is; he knows–like you do–who you are. Good luck on your journey.
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nateswinton
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« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2007, 02:59:05 pm »

Gene,
I wouldn’t have probably ever found this post of yours if it wouldn’t have been for the switch to wordpress. I just hit the “Best of De-Commissioned” link and found this.

You and I have had similar experiences. I bet you and I would be good friends if we knew each other. I cry frequently. Sometimes more than my wife. I’ve been a cry-er for my whole life. My mom even bullied me for it - she was the first one to tell me to be a man. The thing is, I was never a coward or anything, I was just really expressive.

Alot of people I know have been weirded out by my crying. After my first theophostic session, I started crying after almost every time I prayed out loud. That’s still something I have a hard time not being embarassed about. No other guy I know cries. I mean I’ve seen other guys cry on occasion, but it’s out of character and shameful for them.

I’m slowly learning that God built me this way. He’s built me as passionate, expressive and deeply connected to my feelings, and those feelings are from Him. I’m hard-wired to His heart in many ways, and while I feel pain more deeply than most people I know, I feel the positive things more deeply as well.

I remember last spring I did a 40-day fast. At the end of it several of my best friends asked me what it was like. I told them that especially in the last few weeks and days, I’d read book after book of the New Testament at a time. I took the last week of it off of work and most of my involvement with the Rock. I would just read my Bible and cry for joy. The best explanation I could give for how I felt was that it was like spiritual intercourse. At the time I was recently married and that was the best way I could explain it. It was like I was feeling the deep, intimate love from God that was so personal and vulnerable and genuine, it felt like like spiritual sex. And I mean that in the purest sense I can mean it in.

I got alot of blank expressions. Only blank expressions. It made me feel very lonely. Until I realized that the logical conclusion from the last few days of that fast showed me in a way I could believe deep down that I was never, ever alone. That God loves me even more deeply and passionately than I love my wife. And let me tell you, my wife and I have a hell of a story and I really really love her.

I’m rambling now, but I want to tell you something, Gene. Never, ever feel ashamed or let anyone put you down or challenge your masculinity because your are sensitive and you cry. Jesus was sensitive and cried just as much as he was bold and strong. And those things aren’t even mutually exclusive. You are a man, Gene. Never let anyone make you doubt your masculinity. Never. That’s wrong. That’s so wrong it makes me want to cry.

I’m in your court here, bro. I tell all my friends I love them all the time. Smiley I sign my emails “xoxo” all the time. Even to my guy friends. It’s a joke with us. I’m not effeminate in the least. I think affection and sensitivity are part of a complete masculine picture. Being macho isn’t masculine any more than being a sex object is feminine. It’s an incomplete picture.

Love ya bro. Really glad you posted this.
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dreadier then thou
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« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2012, 08:00:11 pm »


The problem centered around “being a man.” This translated into strong leadership skills, passionate convictions, a clear and unshakable moral code, a black and white concept of the world and an unwavering life purpose. I posses none of these attributes and thus always felt as though I was not a real man.




 pragmatic.
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dreadier then thou
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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2012, 08:06:15 pm »

mark darling tells these fantastic storys of being married at 22 years.

and with everyday that passes his stories of being married at 22 become more irrelevant to me as a man. mark found someone to commit to him. what about the rest of us?


be a man.
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blonde
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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2012, 12:15:38 am »

I'm a little confused dreadier then thou by your remarks of be a man and what about the rest of us.  Can you tell more of your ideas?  Yes, Mark is a tall tale teller.  He certainly is a bull-shitter.  Sorry for the candor, but he is a bull-shitter that DarkMarling!
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We must become the change we want to see.
-Mahatma Gandhi
dreadier then thou
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2012, 11:47:11 am »

i may have gotten alittle off subject. mark darling has travled his confused angery life trying to figureout how to be a "man" and now he is telling other people how to be a man.  

as far as gender roles are concerned there are certian skills i believe men are more inclined to have.  but  

i have worked in the food service industry for ten years. i can cook better then most of these domestic women. i have also held various other part time jobs as well.
i have all sorts of strange and pointless skills as well as some very practical ones as well. my personal favorite is working on cars.i like to pretend im some eccentric mad scientist building a murderous robot. i grew up on a farm and have a understanding of how to grow a garden. i was homeschooled and my grandma taught me how to sew, can tomatoes, and play the piano rather then rather then sex ed and trigonomitry and creative writing
 i would have learned in public school.

 for about ten years after the age of 18 i had probelms with being called a man. i was pissed off at things i didnt understand.  and i wasnt even sure if i even had the right to be angry at whatever i was attacking.  i knew i wasnt a man. i might be getting closer to it but i wasnt there yet because i have seen what good men look like. and i know it my heart where i was at with that.
boy
kid
dude at the very best
not even young man
man
or elder of any kind.


maturity takes time. its a process.  we can learn skills. and seek counsil, and read the word and pray to maybe try and better/ prepare ourselves but


i guess what im trying to say is mark darlings life involved a family when he was 22.   and he has spent a large protion of his life sorting out trying to be a man for his families sake.  

in no way is this an accomplishment. mark should have had his ducks in a row before he went and had kids. mark should have learned how to be frugle. mark should have had insureance and a career. mark should have had some money saved up. mark should have had a plan. mark should have learned how to cook a decent meal. mark should have knew how to fix things. mark should have  mark should have understood life is not  a fairy tale. mark should have known diesase and famine will strike regardless of being a christian or not.  

it wasnt until only recently did mark darling ever figureout how to be a "man".



« Last Edit: January 10, 2012, 11:54:07 am by dreadier then thou » Logged
blonde
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« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2012, 10:50:04 pm »

dreadier then thou how close did you know Mark Darling?  did you know him in Iowa?  Sounds like you did.  You talk like you know him quite well.  -Blonde
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We must become the change we want to see.
-Mahatma Gandhi
Ned_Flanders
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« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2012, 07:42:14 pm »

When I was in college, one of the student group leaders (SGL) told me that when he was a student in a GC male off-campus household, a guy lived in the house who was just a bit too different from the standard GC cutout.  The SGL told me that the guy was into the sensual, alternative music of Kate Bush- the furthest thing from Twila Paris.  Anyway, the SGL told me that they found Playboy magazines in the guy's things.  I didn't ask, but I've always believed that my friend and the other GC guys, struggling to accept the guy because he had a mind of his own (please note I'm not advocating Playboy here) purposely went through his things while he was out and eventually found porn. And when he got home, they confronted him and threw him out. 

I have no idea what really happened but I've always felt that that guy was rejected for being who he was. 
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coolerthanme
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« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2012, 08:54:33 pm »

I want to remind all of you of a writer, musician, great man of God... David (he cried, too).  I bet GC would find him lacking as well, but God chose him and made him great; kinda puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
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EverAStudent
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« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2012, 10:22:32 pm »

Greetings again Ned,

That story practically sends goosebumps down my spine since my best friend in GC was tossed out of his singles' guys house for the same reason and in the same way.  The only difference was that instead of Playboy they found in his personal possessions inside his luggage that he had taken pictures at a beach in France during his last trip there (and Europeans do not always fully dress in the modest bikinis that our wholesome American girls dress in).  They used that as the excuse to kick him out of the house and out of the church / college student "organization" regardless of the fact he was dreadfully sorry about the pictures. 

How often did GC forget that once a person repents they can no longer be shoved out of the church?Huh??
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