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Author Topic: Making up for lost time? Self-discovery? Apostasy?  (Read 10468 times)
BTDT
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« on: October 26, 2011, 05:40:30 pm »

This is another one of those half-baked questions I ask from time to time; please bear with me as I try to explain.

I basically gave my 20s to Great Commission.  As a result, I think I'm feeling like I missed out on a chunk of my life.  The stuff I would have done instead of being involved in the GC hyper-busy program.  The parts of me that never really got a chance to show themselves, and develop (or not) on their own.

Over the past several years, I seem to be trying to "make up for lost time", by trying out or getting involved in what seems like a bunch of different activities.  Ham radio, camping, electric guitar, restoration of old geek gear, and my latest obsession:  cars, and project cars in particular.  Now, I'm not doing these all at the same time; mostly one by one, although radio and cars seem to endure.

The positive part of me says I'm just (finally!) going through a process of self-discovery, finding out more of how God made me.  Another part of me says, maybe it's my way of mourning the loss of a decade.  And the darker voice, which sounds *way* too much like Old GC, says it's all just a waste of time, and I "should" be spending that time on God.(*)

So, has anyone else here gone through a similar thing?  Am I just making a fuss about a normal male mid-life crisis?   Cheesy

Looking forward to hearing from you,
-Ed-

(*)  Steve Huhta (the post-GC, uber-compassionate-and-wise pastoral counselor version) used to tell me that *anything* I do is holy and sacred, because God is in me.  I don't have to do "spiritual" things to seek and find God, and to express my relationship with Him. 
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AgathaL'Orange
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« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2011, 06:29:53 pm »

I have no idea!  I think if you love it, and it's not hurting anyone or immoral, then go for it.  But I've really lost touch with what's "right" and "more right" these days.  It all sounds really fun.  I personally have taken up yoga, historic preservation, art appreciation, and reading (2 thee xtreeeeme) as my hobbies.  And travel.  And I feel the same way about my 20's as you do about yours.  Smiley
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Differentstrokes
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« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2017, 03:10:52 pm »

I know this is super old, but I'm glad I found it. I'm sort of dealing with the same thing, I have all my teens and twenties to the church, and as soon as I left I got married(to a great guy, I'm not unhappy with that at all), so I feel like I never really got a chance to live a normal young persons life... I feel like I'm trying to capture those years again and make up for lost time so to speak, but I can't really so I just get depressed
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Ned_Flanders
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2017, 12:57:06 pm »

Differentstrokes,

What is it that you missed out on in your teens and 20s that you'd like to go back and do now?  Is there anything stopping you from doing it?

My thought is, if you don't have any kids (or anyone else who is dependent on you), perhaps you and your husband can go out and "play."  And not knowing your situation, I imagine you're in a better place than a lot of teenagers and 20-somethings often are: you have a car and money, things that stop a lot of people from enjoyment.  Go out and have fun!  

In any case, I think you're in a better place than Pat (not the real name), someone I used to know in that Church.  I understood that Pat didn't really get to have much of a childhood and from what I saw, Pat just wanted to spend time playing.  Nothing wrong with that.  But a few years ago, I found out that Pat is still there, in that college town, still with GCx, even though Pat graduated over 25 years ago.  Today, Pat is a self-appointed mentor of young students trying to "help them in their relationship with God."

You can do whatever you want with your life but I know I'm not interested in being old enough to be the parent of the  college students I'm hanging out with.... like Pat.  
« Last Edit: May 30, 2017, 05:12:43 am by Ned_Flanders » Logged
Differentstrokes
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2017, 03:13:18 pm »

Well, I feel like I missed out on just like... normal things... I wasn't allowed to go to my high school dances, or go to parties with my friends(I was homeschooled until my freshmen year). I really really regret my dating in college, it seems dumb because I did meet and marry a great guy, but I always wonder what I missed out on. I was bullied into quitting theater in college, that's probably my biggest regret. I loved theater and the arts, but it took time away from the church so it had to go. I also was specifically told not to join any clubs or sororities or participate in any activities in college, that would take away from the church. ANYWAY, my husband asked me the other day how I feel about missing out on my twenties and I told him I felt kind of sad about it and stuff, so he gave me permission to go out and do whatever I want to do(outside of dating and stuff like that), I'm going back to college(I dropped out because my major wasn't adding to the church and I was told it was a waste of time and money and I should move to the singles group instead of staying in school), and I get the opportunity to be involved with clubs and theater again. I am really thankful I get the chance to experience some of those things again, but I still feel like this deep sense of regret.. I'm getting some counseling for that.

Overall I am in a good place now, and I'm happy. I see my old friends on Facebook having dress up parties(girls only, the boys had separate parties) and doing the same things they've been doing for at least the last 8 years, and it makes me so sad for them... they're like stuck in a bubble and don't have the chance to see what's beyond that, there's so much more to the world than what the church let's them see....

Anyway, I feel like I rambled a lot, in still figuring out how to articulate some of the feelings I have about the church life so they don't always come out how I would like them to
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Ned_Flanders
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« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2017, 05:25:01 pm »

I think many most or maybe even all of us have something from childhood they wish was different.  But I understand if you felt like you missed out on a lot.  

I was not homeschooled but my mom was very overprotective.  She never let us go trick-or-treating.  I never went out for sports in school.  Of course, my mom did a lot for us but I don't think she really ever even encouraged us to have friends.  

I didn't go to my prom either. Before GC, I was in a Church that prohibited dancing and secular music.  But I probably wouldn't have gone to the prom anyway because I never started dating until later.... much, MUCH later.  Do I feel like i missed out?  I suppose.  But Because I didn't get married until later in life, I was able to enjoy my single years.  I got to travel across the country.  And I am married now and a dad.  I'm working in my field (as well as volunteer work in my field) and we bought a house.  And I belong to a great Church.  Life is very good right now!  

Glad to hear you're going to a counselor.  Of course, you can't be a teenager again but you've got your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to experience wonderful things.  
« Last Edit: May 16, 2017, 05:31:07 pm by Ned_Flanders » Logged
BTDT
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« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2017, 07:38:47 pm »

I'm glad you woke up this old thread. (And this old person. :-) )  I'm so encouraged to read about your going back to college, and how your husband is so supportive of your journey.

I don't know if I'm closer to an "answer" than I was 5 1/2 years ago, but I'm much more at peace with my process of self-discovery and self-definition. My faith is still very much intact.  I've met some good people in the stuff I've pursued, and I hope I've been able to be a positive witness for Christ...by my life and character (such as it is), not by manipulating conversations (and relationships!) as GCx taught.

Best of grace and peace on your journey!  Keep us updated!
-Ed-
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BTDT
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« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2017, 07:46:24 pm »

...But a few years ago, I found out that Pat is still there, in that college town, still with GCx, even though Pat graduated over 25 years ago.  Today, Pat is a self-appointed mentor of young students trying "help them in their relationship with God."

You can do whatever you want with your life but I know I'm not interested in being old enough to be the parent of the  college students I'm hanging out with.... like Pat.  

Back in the Maryland church, I helped out with the student group for a while.  I was in my later 20s, and I felt out of place even then.  I couldn't imagine myself there 25 years later.

And yet, my sister and her husband (much older than me) help out with college ministries, although they don't do direct counseling or mentoring. So the age gap thing, by itself, may not be a big deal. But it would seem odd if that's the crowd "Pat" hung out with exclusively.

But after all these years, there is still a lot of "odd" (and worse) still hanging on in GC.

-Ed-
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evangelicalagnostic
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« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2017, 02:53:13 pm »

Is it odd that a little apostasy feels like a breath of fresh air? Like I haven't really seen beauty or enjoyed life until now? Funny... I was telling people it went the other way around. Oops.
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Differentstrokes
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« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2017, 04:29:23 pm »

I hadn't thought of it that way before, but yes we were constantly telling people about freedom in Christ and the sweet release of burdens and all that, but I have never felt more free than I do now. It's like being a whole new person.
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BTDT
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2017, 07:52:03 pm »

Is it odd that a little apostasy feels like a breath of fresh air? Like I haven't really seen beauty or enjoyed life until now?

Doesn't seem odd to me at all.  I still remember when I started going out for dinner and drinks with my (mostly non-Christian) music friends after rehearsals.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I was hanging out with adults. It felt great, and no lightning struck me.  Grin They're my closest friends now, and I dearly hope I'm helping them see God's grace.

A former GC pastor, who is still a non-GC pastor and a very wise man, once said that he thought some people should just go out and have a good sin.  Shocked Now, he wasn't advocating sin; his point was that people need to lighten up and experience God's grace in their lives.
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Ned_Flanders
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« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2017, 09:21:27 am »

Back in the Maryland church, I helped out with the student group for a while.  I was in my later 20s, and I felt out of place even then.  I couldn't imagine myself there 25 years later.

And yet, my sister and her husband (much older than me) help out with college ministries, although they don't do direct counseling or mentoring. So the age gap thing, by itself, may not be a big deal. But it would seem odd if that's the crowd "Pat" hung out with exclusively.

But after all these years, there is still a lot of "odd" (and worse) still hanging on in GC.

-Ed-

Don't get me wrong- some people do have a place to be involved with younger students.  The man who is in charge of my Church's teen/young adult ministry is fantastic.  So is (or was) the guy who supervised the before & aftercare at my kids' former school. 

I think what bugged me about GCx was that I saw too many people who seemed to want to be perpetual college students... or maybe even elementary students.  After I finished school, I talked to a friend and he told me about some of the people we knew playing Duck-Duck-Goose.  And I remember after Church one time hearing one guy (who was probably 10-15 years older than me) going on about Bugs Bunny.  All I could think was, "Dude... have you ever been on a date with a woman?"
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Ned_Flanders
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« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2017, 11:59:01 am »

Is it odd that a little apostasy feels like a breath of fresh air? Like I haven't really seen beauty or enjoyed life until now?

Doesn't seem odd to me at all.  I still remember when I started going out for dinner and drinks with my (mostly non-Christian) music friends after rehearsals.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I was hanging out with adults. It felt great, and no lightning struck me.  Grin They're my closest friends now, and I dearly hope I'm helping them see God's grace.

A former GC pastor, who is still a non-GC pastor and a very wise man, once said that he thought some people should  have a good sin.  Shocked Now, he wasn't advocating sin; his point was that people need to lighten up and experience God's grace in their lives.


I wasn't there when that "former pastor" made that "just go out and have a good sin" remark but I heard about it.  I know it really upset some people and even caused some to leave the Church but I don't think it ever really bothered me because I understood what he was saying: even if you to decide to go out and "get your sin on," God will still love you.  I think we've all known somebody who could stand to hear a message like that.  

I say that "former pastor" is brilliant.  
« Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 06:35:19 pm by Ned_Flanders » Logged
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