What are the Consequences of Spiritual Abuse?

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[Rebel in a Good Way]

Margaret started a great thread about "what is spiritual abuse."  I'd like to parallel that with a post about what spiritual abuse has cost us?  Why does it matter?  What are the effects?  I know these have been mentioned, I just thought it might be powerful to have it in one place (and maybe it exists in this forum and I couldn't find it).  After making these lists, I also wanted to add that the aftermath can last for a very, very long time.

* Burnout due to all the demands and expectations

* I felt like I wasn't good enough being in the legalistic environment where we were always to strive on our own power rather than let the Holy Spirit guide and grow us--that the yoke of Jesus was heavy not light

* Because I was in my 20's, my educational and career decisions were influenced by the teaching of women's roles.  15 years later in seminary, I realize I missed out on a lot that my male colleagues were allowed to do and learn. (I know everyone has different beliefs on the role of women in the church but my GCC church was on an extreme end of limitation, IMO)

* Complacency in faith because the Christian walk as modeled lacked joy and was full of burdens.  I couldn't sustain it yet didn't have another model for how to live out faith.  My walk with Christ became "meh."

* Incorrect understanding of theology that affected me for a long time: in regards to authority, women's roles, and the priesthood of believers.

* Lack of confidence to make decisions on my own, feeling like I had to follow the opinions of others because I was taught that God put those people in my life to speak to me.  Or that if I made a decision on my own it would be wrong and God would "discipline" me for disobedience.  This is not developmentally appropriate for an adult.

* I received and acted on really bad relationship counsel.  Now I realize it was inappropriate for the pastor to have been so direct in his advice--he specifically said "Do this, don't do this" and related it to obedience (to clarify, it was not a sin or moral issue). If God hadn't communicated to me through a dream (the only time that has happened to me) against the pastor's advice, who knows what path my life may have taken?

* Reluctance to engage in future church communities due to: inability to trust leaders, fear of being controlled, fear of being hurt.  Or being unwilling to serve or lead because I fear getting sucked in and exploited

* My identity was shaped by leaders instead of growing me in the identity God had given me

* Unhealthy attitudes about sex--like it's mainly for men and women need to give it to them any and every time they desire.  My pastor told us about a "godly" man who didn't want to interfere with the Lord's desire to give them children, so he had sex with his wife everyday so as not to miss a chance.

* I am honestly thankful I didn't have children while in GCC, but the idea of immediate, cheerful, and complete obedience of children being related to godliness is still in the back of my head.  When my children are disobedient, I fear that they will grow up to rebel against God (ugh, it feels bad to even write that--I realize it's irrational but it's still in there).  And, for the record, if they do rebel against God, I now realize that we all need to walk our own path and that their faith/religion will be their own personal choice. 


These are things that I witnessed from people I walked with through their healing who were abused at GCC (but I did not experience personally).

* Anxiety about going out in public for fear of running in to former members and being confronted by them

* Depression and suicide attempts (which then seem to confirm the group's decision to outcast and label that person as a wolf in sheep's clothing--obviously their faith wasn't very strong)

* Inability to attend another church

* Loss of all friendships

* Shunning/formal excommunication

* Having meetings held about them, the church distributed written documents about families (2 that I know of), full of partial truths and slandering their character, in the name of "love."

* Having church leaders show up unannounced at their homes that created a feeling of not being safe anywhere

* Marriage problems in the aftermath

* Inability to reach out for support.  When someone ran in to normal life struggles (i.e. marriage problems) they couldn't reach out to a church for help because the church had already judged them for those issues ("see, we told you not to marry him") and the people were isolated with their problems

* Having to mend parenting relationships with children who had been disciplined harshly

* Not knowing what is normal and what was cultish


I'd be interested in more, or specific examples.  I don't think the devastation and long-term struggles are understood by so many (well, understood here, but not in the greater community)

[Free now]

Thanks for sharing these, Rebel in a Good Way. Many of them resonate, particularly the ones related to parenting. I remember that our oldest child (now an adult) came to faith in Christ just before 3 years of age. That sounds almost unbelievable but it happened, beyond just "praying a prayer." I saw the Lord do an amazing work in this young heart. However, I wrongly took credit for it, and remember believing that because I'd done such a "good job parenting" (yuck) that was why this child believed. I really believed the lie that God needed me to help Him save and I wallowed in pride. On the other hand, when a child struggled/wandered/didn't obey, I thought it was all my fault. I guess that's pride, too! I do remember finally hurling those Gary Ezzo parenting tapes in the trash...Lol.

On another note, I believe that God is cleansing and purifying His Church. Not just GCx churches...but the Church. I think all this exposure is an answer to the prayers of many. It's painful but it's freeing, too. No matter how far we've gotten off the track, we are never unloved by Him. I want to see spiritual awakening and revival. It starts with me.

[Free in Christ]

I am thankful for this post and Margaret's post. I had told myself several days ago that I wasn't going to let the GCM voices in my head anymore, the voices that point out your faults and find blame. Then I read a post from someone who had pretended to be neutral whispering those lies back in my head: 'Nothing happened. It's all in your head. If anything did happen, it was your fault. If you reacted a certain way, it was because something is deficient in you.' How quickly my resolve to no longer allow those voices in my head was tested! So these two posts are very helpful and healing for me, thank you.

[Free in Christ]

One item that I would add to the list is the need for perfection post GCx. I have this profound need to be completely together and above any reproach so that no one can point to me and say, 'See! She left, and now she is a wreck (or weak or heretical or whatever).' I don't want to become a cautionary tale in their belt. It's pretty messed up motivation for one's life. You would think that a large number of people leaving a group and subsequently having troubles would lead you to believe something is wrong with the group. But we have been told repeatedly that the fault is with us. That is hard to shake.

[Linda]

Excellent list. So many resonate with me:  Reluctance to engage in future church communities due to inability to trust leaders, shunning, loss of friendships, church leaders showing up unannounced at my house (with a letter of shunning)...

My nephew has been a missionary in Japan for over 30 years and for the better part of that time he has been involved in helping people get out of cults. He has been to Wellspring (to visit their cult library) and when we told him about our experience at ECC he said, "It's not a Great Commission Church, is it?" He was quite familiar with GCC.

Over the years, we have had many discussions with him regarding cults in general and GCC/ECC in particular. I was thinking about this the other day when Godtrumpsall tried to shame me by his/her bold faced comment about the number of posts I have made.

My nephew said that people leaving a cult/high control group, react in many ways. Some just leave. Period. Never look back. Others, spend the first few years researching, learning all they can about the group, educating themselves on how they got taken in, and then move on. Others, use their experience to make it their life's work and get into counseling or ministry to help people get out of cults.

I think I am in the second category. My husband would be more the first. Leaving was very traumatic for us. We are pretty loyal people. We had a lot of friends there. Our kids had a lot of friends there and we homeschooled, so basically, we removed our kids from their core friend group. We told them they could still keep their friends (our issues were not with the people, but with the teaching), but then there was the shunning. The unannounced visit from a pastor with a letter. At noon on a Wednesday. While my husband was gone. Coward!

Every now and then, I would think, "Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe we overreacted." So, I started listening to messages, both local and national. Hours and hours of messages over many years. Local messages. Faithwalkers. I took notes and I commented here with links and quotes so others would not have to listen. The commitment for life and complete obedience to elders teaching was systemic. People needed to know that so they could make informed choices.

Most of the damage is noticed when you leave. So, I understand why people currently in GCC don't comprehend what we are saying and doing on this forum. When you get out, you see how bad it was. You also learn that it's trickier to truly leave than you would imagine. My husband likens it to the "Hotel California". "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." So, here I am 12 1/2 years later. Still posting.

[Free now]

Free in Christ, I'm glad for any help my post could offer. I've felt those feelings too, perhaps a need to prove that I'm OK post-GCx. My good friend who has had a neat renaissance of faith in Christ in her middle age has talked with me about having to cut new paths in her thinking. It took lots of practice. We tend to return to those familiar ruts (lies): I'm deficient, I couldn't cut it, etc. It reminds me of my incredibly bad bowling skills and all the gutter balls I throw. By God's grace and tender love, I'm learning to avoid those old defeated ruts and "gutter balls." It's a daily battle for sure but won by Christ, not by my "success" on any given day. Speaking of "success," I used to think that "God's glory" meant that my life was shiny and perfect and put together...that was what made me a "successful" Christian and subsequently "gave God glory." Also, I hated the dreaded question, "How are you? No, how are you REALLY?" (*made me sweat profusely*) I can hold my head high now and stand on the truth, even on the worst of days, that I'm loved by Jesus...no more on a good day, no less on a bad one. I like your name on this forum and may we all be Free in Christ. God bless you!

[Rebel in a Good Way]

Thanks for the feedback FREE IN CHRIST, if/when I get any more I will add additional observations to the original post.  I guess I didn't think much of the post-GCC perfection because of their attacks on close friends, I no longer wanted to align with them in any way.  But for people in more ambiguous situations who still have relationships/contact, that makes sense.  But I agree those those whispers can shake our confidence at times. 

FREE NOW--I also have hope that God is cleansing and purifying his church!  I have seen so many people "wake up" that I believe the Holy Spirit just might be up to something.

LINDA, it's interesting that you would put yourself in the 2nd group, because I would have had you pegged for the 3rd group (making it's their life's work).  Maybe "life's work" is too much of a commitment, but it definitely seems like this has become a ministry through which you (and others on here) can bless and support others. 

[Huldah]

I do remember finally hurling those Gary Ezzo parenting tapes in the trash...Lol.

The Ezzos have done so much damage. I believe that they and similar teachers like the Pearls are part of the reason that so many millennials from Christian homes are now turning their backs on Christ. I was no longer in a GC church when I was introduced to the Ezzos, but their program was quite the thing among evangelicals back in the 80's, so it was everywhere. Following their program is one of the deepest regrets of my life. My children, especially the oldest, live every day with the damage from that, and I've never been able to make it completely right.

[Rebel in a Good Way]

Huldah, unfortunately the Ezzos were still going strong in some GCC churches as recently as 2009.  A close person in my life who had a baby the same time as me (2009) followed it, as did her entire church.  She got out and rejected that style of parenting, but for all I know it is still being promoted in her old church.   

[Linda]

Rebel in a Good Way, the "3rd category" was about a vocation in exit counseling, not just being an expert on one particular cult/high control group and passing that info on as people need it. I am looking forward to the day when someone won't say to me, "Could you please listen to the message on obedience/marriage/commitment for life and let me know what you think?" Can't wait!

[Differentstrokes]

thank you for sharing this list. I am 3 years free of the church and i recently have been struggling a lot... I lost all my friends after GC and i have no idea how to make friendsin the real world, lately its been really apparent how isolated i am now. It sucks. I also have been basically turned off church and faith all together, last time i tried to go to church i had a full on panic attack...I miss the comfort that comes from religion and belief. Anyway. This list resonates with me.

[Linda]

Differentstrokes,

I am so sorry.

[Sheeple]

Gary Ezzo/ Babywise was referred to us by an Evergreen pastor in 2012 for our colicky newborn. So it’s safe to say that is still regularly touted.

[Free in Christ]

Free in Christ, I'm glad for any help my post could offer. I've felt those feelings too, perhaps a need to prove that I'm OK post-GCx. My good friend who has had a neat renaissance of faith in Christ in her middle age has talked with me about having to cut new paths in her thinking. It took lots of practice. We tend to return to those familiar ruts (lies): I'm deficient, I couldn't cut it, etc. It reminds me of my incredibly bad bowling skills and all the gutter balls I throw. By God's grace and tender love, I'm learning to avoid those old defeated ruts and "gutter balls." It's a daily battle for sure but won by Christ, not by my "success" on any given day. Speaking of "success," I used to think that "God's glory" meant that my life was shiny and perfect and put together...that was what made me a "successful" Christian and subsequently "gave God glory." Also, I hated the dreaded question, "How are you? No, how are you REALLY?" (*made me sweat profusely*) I can hold my head high now and stand on the truth, even on the worst of days, that I'm loved by Jesus...no more on a good day, no less on a bad one. I like your name on this forum and may we all be Free in Christ. God bless you!

Free Now, you said this so well, and it is so obvious to me now, but how true that in trying to be perfect in order to prove something, I am not allowing for the beauty and grace of the gospel, which is what truly brings God glory. Thank you for that excellent reminder.

[Differentstrokes]

Agatha, i recently have found solace in the hindu temple of all places! i don't by any means consider myself hindu(my husband was/is hindu), but i love to go to the temple and meditate, its so quiet and calm, and it smells amazing, and people are genuinely happy to be there. Every church i've been to since leaving has felt frantic and loud, like going to a concert, it just seemed like they were trying to impress someone with how cool their church is. At the temple i feel like i can really relax and stuff.... anyway.... I haven't been to a church in a year, it just was too much, but its really nice to have a place to go and have that spiritual meditation time...

[Free now]

Free in Christ, you’re welcome 😊
Just saw your post now.

[Rebel in a Good Way]

Differentstrokes, I bet the temple is a great place for reflection and meditation.  Learning about Christian history, it has been helpful to see the different streams of faith, some that focused on contemplative worship and monasticism.  I have learned the best ways through which I connect the most with God, and Sunday morning music is generally not one of them.  NOT to criticize coroporate worship, but I am appreciating silence, nature, and reflection more and more.  Plus service is becoming more of an act of worship, and (authentic) community is meaningful.   All of that to say I bet I would appreciate the temple also.