3 years in, 2 churches, 1 year out, still traumatized

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[inCULTcated]

Hello,

I'm a grad student at Ohio State, and during my time here, I had attended two churches affiliated with GCx in some way: H2O (part of the Collegiate Church Network) and Awaken (both in Columbus). My experience at Awaken in particular was very toxic, and even though I've been out of that church for nearly two years now, I'm still traumatized.

I'm really glad this forum exists, because I feel the need to share my story, but I also have very strong feelings of, "WTF happened?" regarding my experience, and I'm hoping that some people more familiar with GCx can help me better understand what these churches are really like.

So, without further ado, here's my story:

I was baptized as an infant in a Presbyterian church, and I spent most of my childhood in the PCA (Presbyterian Church in America). Over the years, I was exposed to some culture war rhetoric that troubled me, along with an exposition of the Doctrines of Grace (aka TULIP) that didn't sound like the God I knew from the Bible. So, after I graduated high school, I was unsure about what kind of church to go to. I still ended up attending a PCA church (since that's what I was familiar with), and I was involved in the campus ministry RUF (Reformed University Fellowship). I also started grad school (at Ohio State) in 2018 attending a PCA church plant. But that only lasted a few weeks or so, and I figured that it was only fair to explore more church options.

Meanwhile, my sister, seemingly out of nowhere, came out to me as bisexual via text. (She now identifies as a lesbian and has a girlfriend.) I tried to respond to this announcement the way I figured any Christian should, with love and humility. I still had my convictions against same-sex marriage and all that, but I knew that, above all else, Christians should walk in love.

This did make me take my search for a good church a bit more seriously, though, so when welcome week came along at OSU, I paid attention to some of the campus ministries and churches that were present. Two of them that stuck out to me were H2O and Awaken.

My memory is a bit foggy as to when exactly I attended each of these two churches, in part because, for a good chunk of time, I actually attended both on the same day. See, H2O met on Sunday mornings, while Awaken met on Sunday evenings.

The main appeal of H2O was that some of my grad school friends went there, and they seemed to have good, practical sermons. The main appeal of Awaken was that I didn't have to wake up early on Sunday mornings to attend, and their sermons appeared to be more rich in doctrine. In fact, perhaps the first sermon I ever heard at Awaken was on the controversy surrounding TULIP, where the pastor (Chris Old) seemed to express a more healthy, nuanced take than the more rigid 5-point Calvinism I had heard growing up.

This ultimately led to a pattern where I would kind of switch back and forth between H2O and Awaken, but I would often attend both. This was largely because I felt like I really needed some solid spiritual help, and the more church, the better.

See, after my sister had come out to me, I had started thinking about my own feelings and attitudes about sex, especially how they would relate to the messages I had heard about sexuality growing up. I had felt very alienated by the sexually charged atmosphere of high school, as well as by the talks I heard at RUF retreats in college that seemed to assume that everyone on the planet wants to have sex really badly (and therefore marriage is the solution so that you can have sex without sinning). I had come to the conclusion that I was asexual, and I spent most of 2019 thinking through the implications of that. During this time, my parents and I had realized that my sister didn't feel safe at the church we grew up in (which she ended up leaving), and I also realized that there was a significant language barrier between my sister and our parents when it came to LGBT stuff.

One of the pastors at H2O seemed really supportive, since he understood LGBT lingo much better than the average conservative (which sadly isn't saying much, but whatever). I had met with him to share my story, which ended up influencing the sermon the following Sunday on sexual orientation. I even sat in on a panel discussion that afternoon about how Christians can better reach out to LGBT folks in their midst. Since Awaken struck me as a standard conservative church that's perhaps a bit out of date regarding the language barrier, I later texted Chris Old a recording of that sermon, and he seemed to like it. Everything looked like it was going really well.

But looks can be deceiving, and I started to notice some troubling things at Awaken. First, whenever I talked to Chris about sexuality stuff I was wrestling with, he seemed all too eager to shift the conversation in a sexually explicit or inappropriate direction. I would talk about being asexual, and it seemed like he was trying to psychoanalyze me. I would vent about how sex-obsessed society can be (which in my mind includes evangelicals), and he would talk about 13-year olds watching orgy videos on their smartphones. When I later sent him an email saying that I felt like my boundaries were violated, he said that he felt misrepresented (as though the simple fact of me bringing up the subject of sexuality somehow gives him a free pass to talk about whatever f***ed up sexual stuff he wants). Second, Chris pushed home groups pretty hard in his sermons, and while I thought they would be a good opportunity to talk to him more, the home groups were so crowded that they were a bit overwhelming at times.

Then, during 2020, a global pandemic spread to America, causing lockdowns everywhere. I spent the first few months of the lockdowns with my parents, attending the PCA church we grew up in in the meantime. When summer rolled around, I noticed that Awaken was having outdoor services on the property of Linworth Road Church (which I later learned was largely responsible for planting Awaken in the first place). Because I was so worn out from having all my classes on Zoom, I figured that attending the outdoor services would be a great way to attend church in person while still being able to socially distance. My "attending two churches on the same day" phase basically ended, and I was now only attending Awaken. Meanwhile, I began to notice that my grad school friends who had attended H2O were leaving for other churches. I don't remember much as to why, but sexism seemed to have something to do with it.

Around the end of 2020, of course, Great Commission Churches was dissolved as a denomination. Then, at the beginning of 2021, Awaken advertised an Equip Series on gender and sexuality, which seemed like exactly what I was looking for. The Equip Series was led by the assistant pastor, Jonathan Kimball. But while the first session of the Equip Series seemed okay, I quickly realized that the stuff Kimball was saying was very culture-war focused, and he was basically just regurgitating the kind of rhetoric you would hear from the Daily Wire. I met with Kimball to talk about some things I was wrestling with, but things went south real fast. He flat out denied the existence of purity culture, said that I couldn't trust the people saying it existed, told me to take the log out of my eye before I take the speck out of his, accused me of idolatry for thinking that I have the ability to detect biases, said that there's basically no point in trying to make myself clear to people because they'll just misinterpret everything I say anyway, and told me that people being driven to suicide is no indication that there's anything wrong with the church, all in the span of an hour. Yeah. I actually needed my parents to get me to realize how toxic that conversation was, and I really didn't want to talk to him again after that dumpster fire. But I still attended the Equip Series anyway (even if via livestream sometimes), and during one session in particular, Kimball approached me for a "quick word" that turned into another hour-long conversation, where he said things like, "We're not speaking as equals here," and "I don't think you believe that I'm speaking for God." And after telling me that the LGBT community is trying to destroy me, he said, "You need to stop these sporadic conversations with pastors and start making friends in the church." Later that day, I had another conversation with Chris, after which I called my parents (as part of my regular practice of keeping in touch). That conversation ended up revealing that I had been a victim of mind control, and it scared the s*** out of my mom (and also me).

Not long after that (this was June 2021), I left Awaken and went back to H2O, since I didn't know where else to go. All of my grad school friends had already left H2O, and at one point, there was a congregational meeting where the pastors at H2O talked about a report from some evangelical oversight committee or something exposing some cultural problems at H2O. Due to how sensitive I now was to stuff like that, I started feeling like I had to leave H2O as well, which I eventually did sometime in the beginning of 2022.

Luckily, I wasn't too tangled up in these two churches. I was never baptized in either of them, I never led any Bible studies or home groups, I only attended them for a few years, and I've been able to go no contact since I left. But after having spent time in a much healthier church environment and seeking therapy, I'm still traumatized. Even all the stuff I mentioned here is just a fraction of all the s*** I had to endure at Awaken. That gut reaction of, "WTF happened?" is still very much there.

Admittedly, I didn't personally experience much of any toxicity at H2O. But part of me wonders just how much toxicity I would have been exposed to if I had been more plugged in there.

Anyway, thanks for reading my story. I really needed to get this off my chest. And if any of you know of any sources (or even just threads on this site) that can provide some helpful context for understanding what happened to me, please let me know.

[Huldah]

Welcome to the forum, InCULTcated.

I attended what is now Linworth Road Church back in the 70s when it was a campus group known as Solid Rock. I thought I was attending a "New Testament" church, that is, a sincere effort to recreate the "pure" teachings and practices of the first century church. It was decades later (long after I'd left) that I learned it was actually a youth-oriented repackaging of a denomination known as the Plymouth Brethren.

Even back then, it was a highly authoritarian group with a suspicious attitude toward nonconformity. And, even back then, they dealt very poorly with members who were struggling with sincere but really tough questions. Such questions were (and perhaps still are?) considered direct challenges to the leadership. Or, rather, your "failure" to accept glib answers is considered a rejection of their wisdom and authority. It doesn't go over well. (It didn't go over well in my day, either.)

There are members here whose stories will probably resonate with you, even though most of those members are no longer active. Janet Easson Martin, who's still active, has done a number of compilation posts where she collects quotes from some of the older posts and publishes them by theme. Looking through some of her recent posts might be a helpful start. Most of them are in the General Discussion subforum, http://forum.gcmwarning.com/general-discussion/. Also, the search feature on this forum doesn't work very well, so I wrote instructions on how to do a better search, http://forum.gcmwarning.com/announcements-feedback-technical-support/how-to-search-this-forum/. Maybe someone else will also have some suggestions.

[Janet Easson Martin]

Yes, welcome, InCULTcated to the forum! Perhaps inculcated is more of a grad student word. Though I’ve heard it before, I had to look it up to be certain of it’s definition: “instill (an attitude, idea, or habit) by persistent instruction.” What a perfect posting name since that is one of the ways cults achieve mind control.

So glad you came here. Your story is precious to God. What a whirlwind you have been through. I commend your love and humility toward your sister, yet keeping your biblical convictions against same-sex marriage. That would be a lot for any person to process, and could even rock one’s world. I applaud your desire to seek God in making your search for a good church more serious in all of this. I believe your desire and commitment to attend two services did not go unnoticed by your Heavenly Father.

I don’t know anything about TULIP or 5-point Calvinism, but now you’ve got me interested so I’ll look them up. I’m certainly not an educated or experienced counselor, but I have learned by reading the Bible and talking to and listening to God -through His Spirit as Scriptures jump off the page with with supernatural “highlighting;” and through His Spirit quietly whispering to my inner man (not audible.) I have concluded God has more precious thoughts toward us than the sands on the earth. He is never not thinking about us. If he died for us while we were filthy and corrupt, how much more does he favor us now cleansed in Christ. He deeply longs to help us even more than a good Father would. But, I have also learned, God wants me to ask so that I can have the joy and gratification of two-way communication with Him.

I have recently been looking more closely at truths about God’s understanding of me of Psalm 139. That concept of wanting “someone to really understand my hurts and struggles” was part of what drew me to God in the first place. Basically, the amount of attention and love we, as his children, receive from God is almost too good to be true! It’s beyond comprehension the Psalmist writes. So, be sure the One who created us knows our thoughts before we express them. I also love how he guides and leads us no matter where we go. I don’t always understand why he allows circumstances, but I have witnessed from my twilight years that he surely does make all things beautiful in his time. What at the time seemed a hardship so despairing is viewed now as a uphill climb in the adventure of life.

I’m not sure if this applies to you, but I know Jesus says there are eunuchs -  “There are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” (Matthew 19:12) Got Questions says “Natural eunuchs include those who are born with a physical defect, but they also comprise those who are born with no real desire for marriage or sex.“ ( https://www.gotquestions.org/eunuch-eunuchs.html )

According to reports by former members on this site there have been some very inappropriate discussions of explicit details regarding sex in GCx groups/churches. It seems almost as if they were trained in GCx leadership to ask for very unnecessary detail. Here are a few testimonies on such (Reply #5 & #14) on the link below:

http://forum.gcmwarning.com/general-discussion/gcx-church-leaders-practice-brazen-intrusion-into-members-personal-lives/


I am praying God’s consolations he highlights to you will delight and comfort your soul. If it’s hard to read the Bible at this time because of controlling voices you may perceive with it, try and read the Psalms. So glad you made the decision to leave a very unhealthy church organization. It is often hard but freeing when people initially make the break from GCx. I also recommend reading “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. She is sound in her theology and presents truth in such a wonderful first person voice that it brings home the point that God is personal.

[margaret]

Welcome, InCULTcated,

I found that trying to rush the process of separating from this 'church' movement was unsuccessful. For me, I had to let it unfold slowly, and gradually learn to trust my gut.

Please be patient with yourself and the process. I'm glad you're here.

[xray342]

Thank you for sharing!

I was never directly affected by Great Commission or its related groups (I was in a different Shepherding cult, the International Churches of Christ), but I am aware of the proliferation of the H2O campus ministries across the midwest. I've known many who at least aware of or have visited them and a few that joined and were committed members. Sadly you're not the only one who has been abused by the H2O in Columbus. It's repugnant that colleges and universities - especially the Christian ministries who serve on campus to the students and faculty - don't take cults serious enough and are afraid to speak out.

[LostCreature3]

I am sorry to hear your experience. They should not have treated you like that.

I am familiar with Kimball and it makes me sad and frustrated that he treated you like that.
Unfortunately, it’s not an unusual story of abusive behavior by leadership.
Since the official disbanding in 2020, I’ve noticed many GCx Leaders that I know have become more bitter, have doubled down on controversial theology, and have become more paranoid.
They believed they were part of something special.
But now they are just another casualty of a broken system.
The disbanding seems to have broken them in such a way that they have become more and more destructive.

[inCULTcated]

I attended what is now Linworth Road Church back in the 70s when it was a campus group known as Solid Rock. I thought I was attending a "New Testament" church, that is, a sincere effort to recreate the "pure" teachings and practices of the first century church. It was decades later (long after I'd left) that I learned it was actually a youth-oriented repackaging of a denomination known as the Plymouth Brethren.

Yeah, I saw the Wikipedia article for Great Commission Churches, which seems to confirm what you say here. The funny thing is, I'm actually very much opposed to restorationism (the idea that the entire Church fell into apostasy and you're the one to resurrect it by starting from scratch), partly because it all too often results in cults. If I had known ahead of time just how much the churches I attended were influenced by restorationist thought, I don't think I ever would have attended. I guess I just failed to appreciate how restorationist "non-denominational" churches can be.

[inCULTcated]

Thank you for sharing!

I was never directly affected by Great Commission or its related groups (I was in a different Shepherding cult, the International Churches of Christ), but I am aware of the proliferation of the H2O campus ministries across the midwest. I've known many who at least aware of or have visited them and a few that joined and were committed members. Sadly you're not the only one who has been abused by the H2O in Columbus. It's repugnant that colleges and universities - especially the Christian ministries who serve on campus to the students and faculty - don't take cults serious enough and are afraid to speak out.

To be clear, it was really Awaken that abused me. H2O was just the other GCx church I attended. I still felt like something was a bit off, though, which is why I left.

I'm curious, though, do you know of any sources (or just threads here) documenting cases of abuse at H2O Columbus? I think that might be helpful, since there is still a tiny part of me that wonders if I left H2O too hastily. (It is tiny, though, and I do believe I made the right decision by leaving H2O.)

[inCULTcated]

I am sorry to hear your experience. They should not have treated you like that.

I am familiar with Kimball and it makes me sad and frustrated that he treated you like that.
Unfortunately, it’s not an unusual story of abusive behavior by leadership.
Since the official disbanding in 2020, I’ve noticed many GCx Leaders that I know have become more bitter, have doubled down on controversial theology, and have become more paranoid.
They believed they were part of something special.
But now they are just another casualty of a broken system.
The disbanding seems to have broken them in such a way that they have become more and more destructive.

Oh, what's your story with Kimball (if you don't mind sharing)? Did you attend Awaken? Or was it another church that he used to be a pastor of?

Also, that whole "GCx leaders got more toxic after the disbanding" thing checks out, since the last six months of my time at Awaken (January to June 2021) were definitely the worst for me.

[LostCreature3]

Oh, what's your story with Kimball (if you don't mind sharing)? Did you attend Awaken? Or was it another church that he used to be a pastor of?

I have met him at HSLT Myrtle Beach, as he was one of the worship leaders at the time.
He has also visited my GCx church years ago.
Each time, he seemed nice and genuine.

That was many years ago.
I mourn that this GCx system turns good men into cruel men.

[Janet Easson Martin]

InCULTcated, here are four threads related to H2O. Sadly, the discipleship of leaders of AWAKEN & H2O traces back to the essential founder of GCx, Jim McCotter, who has hundreds of abuse “cases” tied to him. He is what the scriptures label, according to his actions, a false teacher. Most former GCx [alias H2O] members would advise you to stay away from any teachings and practices rooted in his “theology.”

Here are experiences of those involved first or second hand with them:

H2O Church at Ohio State University
http://forum.gcmwarning.com/people-and-places-of-gc/h2o-church-at-the-ohio-state-university/msg14247/#msg14247


Abusive Churches by Probe Ministries
https://probe.org/abusive-churches/


Collegiate Campus Churches
http://forum.gcmwarning.com/hellos-and-testimonies/collegiate-campus-church/msg14448/#msg14448


Concerned Parent of Summer LT Attender
http://forum.gcmwarning.com/general-discussion/concerned-parent-of-summer-lt-attender/msg10776/#msg10776

[xray342]

To be clear, it was really Awaken that abused me. H2O was just the other GCx church I attended. I still felt like something was a bit off, though, which is why I left.

I'm curious, though, do you know of any sources (or just threads here) documenting cases of abuse at H2O Columbus? I think that might be helpful, since there is still a tiny part of me that wonders if I left H2O too hastily. (It is tiny, though, and I do believe I made the right decision by leaving H2O.)

Unfortunately I don't. However I do see patterns where former members tend to gravitate towards churches with authoritarian leadership. I do tend to inform Christian leaders or Christian ministers and college students about their danger though. You absolutely made the right decision to leave H2O.

[Therese]

Welcome to the forum, InCULTcated.

I attended what is now Linworth Road Church back in the 70s when it was a campus group known as Solid Rock. I thought I was attending a "New Testament" church, that is, a sincere effort to recreate the "pure" teachings and practices of the first century church. It was decades later (long after I'd left) that I learned it was actually a youth-oriented repackaging of a denomination known as the Plymouth Brethren.

Even back then, it was a highly authoritarian group with a suspicious attitude toward nonconformity. And, even back then, they dealt very poorly with members who were struggling with sincere but really tough questions. Such questions were (and perhaps still are?) considered direct challenges to the leadership. Or, rather, your "failure" to accept glib answers is considered a rejection of their wisdom and authority. It doesn't go over well. (It didn't go over well in my day, either.)

Hi Huldah,

I attended Solid Rock Fellowship as well. (in the late 70s and early 80s).  I was in the East campus group. You are so right cause they were authoritarian and controlling. If you didn't do what they said you were told you were unteachable. Attending college was a challenging experience then when the people you thought were your friends end up being controlling, demanding so much of your time (attending meetings, conferences etc, it was traumatizing). They would have a brother or sister keep telling me how they're able to get their studies done and still attend all the church activities (which was almost daily). Just cause they could do it didn't mean I could (or wanted to for that matter). The conferences would sometimes go late into the night and it got so I feared even hearing McCotter's voice.

Attending church had always been a pleasant experience for me growing up but thanks to this cult, I ended up dreading it. Several of my friends felt the same way and couldn't wait to get out of this cult.

I dreaded seeing the leaders Tom Schroeder and Rob Lamp. I read they both left GCx. It would be nice to get an apology from them.