Dull ache.

Welcome to De-Commissioned, a place for former members of the Great Commission movement (aka GCM, GCC, GCAC, GCI, the Blitz) to discuss problems they've experienced in the association's practices and theology.

You may read and post, but some features are restricted to registered members. Please consider registering to gain full access! Registration is free and only takes a few moments to complete.

[Wingless_Butterfly]

Hi, everyone.

I just want to start off by saying that I'm grateful to the Lord for this place, and for the honesty of so many of you. As painful and wince-worthy as it has been to read your stories (because of the similarities, and because of the things God has revealed to me through them), I am grateful to know that I am not alone. I am not carrying the weight of all this truth by myself. That, all by itself, is helpful.

I came to Christ through this church. All of my closest friends go or have gone there. I married someone within the church. I have had a voice in some decisions, have served vigorously in a few ministries, and have rubbed shoulders with most if not all of the leadership. I have also been the subject of many of their meetings. The subject of hushed gossip disguised as concern. Steadily pushed to the outskirts, and eventually to irrelevance. The focal point of meetings that bordered verbal abuse.

My husband and I finally agreed to leave after a particularly painful and unexpected interaction with some of our leaders. I realize, even as I'm typing, that I'm not quite ready to dish out the details. It's not even out of confidentiality - I'm just tired, guys.

God is good, and I have a few friends who see the issues and understand our point of view. He's good, because I have a workplace full of Christians who go to healthy churches - who know Jesus a different way. Good, because this forum exists. Good, because He led me to a good counselor. Good, because God is true, though every man a liar.

I'm posting a new topic because of the ache.

How do you deal with it?

I have a small child, so my work there is 24/7.
My husband, as a result of the circumstances of our leaving, is in severe spiritual pain - He's in no way ready to resume "spiritual things." I'm okay with it - God has assured me that it's in His hands and I can't do a thing, but navigating my husband's pain is a marathon of exhaustion in and of itself.
I work in an outreach ministry, and recently find myself counting the minutes before I can go home. I love what I do, and I love the people I minister to, but I just don't feel like I have anything else to give.

And then there's the ache. The unrest of damaged relationships. Not knowing what's next. Feeling too tired to open up God's word. My body expressing it's buzz of turmoil and worry with back pain and lack of sleep, or over sleep.

Last week, I literally curled up under a blanket and just LAID there while my counselor talked. No energy to pretend any time I don't have to.

The problem is I love my ex-congregation. They were the healthiest family I'd ever known. Until they weren't.
I love the people.
I respect the pastors.
I want good things for them.
I hate that the dysfunction is so fundamental. I hate knowing that it's a war I would have never won.
I hate that even bringing up the fact that there were issues - that trying to have a conversation out of sheer respect, and out of not wanting to leave without saying anything - that has made me an unreliable narrator. "In rebellion." "Lost." "We just have to pray for her heart." "She needs to forgive."
The pain isn't in the false accusations. I know who I am in Christ. I know I'm right. The pain is in the glass wall it's created between me and the people I've loved for almost a decade.

How do you deal with the ache? How do you continue to function?

[Cult Proof]

I am so sorry for your pain.  My heart hurts reading your pain and being reminded of my own journey through that pain. It’s so unachoring, losing your church community, especially when you don’t want to lose it but realize you can’t continue to live in it.

Remy Diederich’s  book Broken Trust might be comforting. He was abused out of a church and took five years off of church.  That’s the one book on spiritual abuse that I keep going back to for comfort.

At least as far as we have experienced there are no easy answers. But God somehow is seeing us through it and life is becoming good again. Leaving has been so good for our kids and our marriage.

I think a lot of healing is loving yourself one day at a time. It’s okat to be in survival mode, it won’t last forever. It’s helpful to give yourself what you need. I know how hard it is to watch your spouse be depressed and confused about church AND God really is in those dark hard moments. 

These words all seem insufficient to me. The pain is so real and hard. I am glad you’re in counseling!  I’ll be praying for you.

[Wingless_Butterfly]

Thank you for your response, and for the book recommendation. And of course, for keeping me in prayer. "Unanchoring" is a great way to put it.

Is there anything specific you did to try to preserve your relationship with the Lord?

[Cult Proof]

I will respond more about preserving my faith in a few days but quick wanted to offer United Pursuit has a song called Simple Gospel. I listen to that a lot!  Praying for you today.

[Cult Proof]

I’d love to hear from others too but here are a few thoughts from my experience.  Please keep in mind that I am only two years out so my healing is still very much in process and the abuse my family endured was on the extreme end.

I think a lot of preserving my faith and my relationship with God has been about preserving myself as a person created and loved by God.  My counselor has been instrumental in helping me learn how to listen to my own body and feelings. My experience in gcc was very much that my personal life had been heavily controlled by leadership.  So learning to be my own person, as God created me is huge. 

Another part my family has experienced is because spiritual abuse is so much about being controlled as a family we have been committed to supporting and respecting each other in our different places and ways of healing.  We’ve given each other a lot of space but also have been each other’s greatest support.  Recognizing there are many ways to heal and non are wrong or better than others, just different.

On a practical note; year one was a lot of reading books and learning about what we had gone through. Also sharing our story and allowing the shock and disgust of other people’s response affirm the horrible experience we had.  Year one was also lonely and survival mode, giving grace for that. My kids watched a lot of tv and we are simple meals.  We chose to believe it wouldn’t be forever and the ptsd would lift.

Year two was coming out of survival mode, getting established and supported in one church and starting to make new friends. It’s sounds better but in many ways year two was harder and required a whole new level of processing our grief.

Year three has started out and I am sensing it might be a profound year for me with Jesus.  I have a feeling that the last two years have set me up to find him in a whole new way that will involve more love than I’ve ever known, specifically from Jesus. 

My husband would tell you that it isn’t about hanging onto your faith but resting in the truth that faith is hanging onto you. You might feel like you’re in free fall but God has you and He isn’t going to let go.  Going back to the idea that gcc is so much about performance and preserving your faith is a lot of letting that go and just being you, loved by God.

I don’t have time to proof read, sorry if there are mistakes.  Blessings and I am praying for you, you do have wings and I trust that God is teaching you to fly.

[Cult Proof]

Also, on a more practical note: Mark 3:1-5, John, and 1,2,3 John. For the last year I’ve been in a women’s bible study at my new church. It’s been so healing because it’s so different from any bible study I’ve ever been in. Questioning and disagreeing is praised and respected.  The people are loving in a very different way. It’s a healthier community than I’ve ever known.

[Janet Easson Martin]

In response to Wingless Butterfly’s recent posts.  

First of all, Cult Proofs’ process described above is very helpful.  I believe God’s expectations regarding us are different based on the circumstances and burdens we are carrying.  I love the verse that says, “He GENTLY leads those that have young” (full passage below) because it demonstrates that he is VERY CONSIDERATE of our personal place in life at the time.  He does not expect us to follow methods others do that bring us pain.  

My first response in how to maintain your relationship with the Lord is what my husband usually says to me, “Remember it’s not what you have done for God that keeps ties to him, but what HE HAS DONE FOR YOU.”  Many of us need to step back from trying to be good enough for God, and recall that He has MADE US GOOD ENOUGH for him ALREADY by his blood.  

The affirmations regarding what Jesus’ blood has done for me are the greatest springboard to my responding in faith toward him.  There are quite a few under The Healing Forum under the topic “Essential Affirmations: Building Up What Has Been Torn Down”.  There are also many testimonies on here of the process others had to go through in order to trust God again.  Spiritual Abuse definitely puts obstacles in that road.  That is why God hates it so.

How fitting is the name “Wingless Butterfly” for one who has experienced spiritual abuse.  It describes what so many of us in GCx experienced.  It portrays well the very thing that was STOLEN FROM US - our freedom in Christ - our graciously and supernaturally given wings!  They are such a crucial part of our identity; the freedom to be accountable to God alone.  To please him alone, not men.  To have the divine ability to request and act on God’s PERSONAL guidance for our lives.  To enjoy his personal adventure for ourselves individually.  To feel convictions individually with our own spirit-led conscience.  To lovingly respect others’ differing choices.  Jesus is all about grace.  In GCx there was much condemnation of choices made outside the leaders’ narrow boundaries. Jesus actually condemns the leaders who teach such things.

“...if you had known what this means, ‘I DESIRE COMPASSION, AND NOT SACRIFICE,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.”

Matthew 12:7

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30 The Message Version

We tried to adapt to live “winglessly”.  And it became very tiring.  In addition, we were required to carry heavy loads we were never meant to carry.  So we became EXHAUSTED!!  And then on top of that, nearly everyone around us acted as though they were fine in their continuously burdened routine.  The mere “uninspiring” men-made predictable routine of it all crushed many of us.  That is NOT what following Jesus looks like.  That is what following Pharisaical men looks like!

I love how this passage portrays what following Jesus actually does looks like:

“HERE is your God! ...

He tends his flock LIKE A SHEPHERD:
   He gathers the lambs IN HIS ARMS
and CARRIES THEM CLOSE TO HIS HEART;
   He GENTLY LEADS those that have young. “

Isaiah 40:10&11

His compassion comforts, renews and restores us.  We can honestly POUR out our heart to him and not be condemned. Instead we will find refuge and help.  This includes telling him we have nothing left to seek him with, to infuse faith again in us.  And most of all, to teach us in a new and better way to trust him.  My favorite “goto” verse in these circumstances is from Hosea 14:6. I claim it and wait for it.

“I will HEAL your waywardness (unbelief, unfaithfulness, etc.) and LOVE YOU FREELY for (because)
My anger has turned away from you.”