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Author Topic: Dealing with Rejection  (Read 12423 times)
Left
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« on: December 13, 2007, 06:30:34 pm »

I know many people lose friends when leaving a GCM church.  Today I officially lost a best friend.   She was a close friend and mentor while I went to church.  

We started having friendship issues last year when her "house" (a house filled with church girls and church related issues who did not have a lot of contact with non-GC members) started breaking apart.   I found that she was no longer really there for me and all of her concern and time went into talking to the pastor, and spending more time with others in the church.   I started backing away and thinking about leaving as i noticed that the church didn't really deal with non-church issues (practically no outreach).  It started becoming this black hole of issues and people that very rarely saw what the bigger world had to offer.

Anyway, we had gotten into some tiffs and I left the church and decided to let the situation simmer.  In the fall we got together and I apologized for having left her and for hurting her (an apology I don't necesarily think I really owed, but really cared about the friendship) and tried to let her know that I wanted to work on the friendship.  I also tried to let her know she had done a lot to hurt me too, but she wasn't up for hearing what I had to say.

The shortened version of the story is that i haven't talkd to her in over a month and I received an email today from her stating that because she has too many obligations between church and her family, she had no time to be a friend to me.  She "encouraged" me to find friends at my new church then wished me a merry christmas and hoped the best in my life.

I guess that was her good bye?   I don't expect to hear from her again and the way it was written didnt leave much to respond to.   The worst part is that the email was laced with what the pastor would say to do.  Some of his words verbatim; additionally, she had made a comment about me that I had never told her, but definitely told the pastor.   It's like she wasn't sure what to do about the friendship and someone told her that the best thing to do was to apologize for anything she did to hurt me, tell me she could no longer be my friend, then wish me the best.  This is a formula I heard again and again while I was there.

The entire thing was selfish and unloving.  I hate that things like this went on alot in God's name.  It's so hurtful.   Everyone who doesn't belong to a GC church gets treated like nothing - I wish I could just let her know that I miss her all the same.  The issues that came between us mostly had to do with the fact that she agrees with the doctrine, and I found a lot wrong with it.  I don't think the ends justifies the means and the legalism was substandard.

I was never expecting to receive a "break up" email. I figured we probably wouldn't talk for a while and be friendly if we ever crossed paths.  Now, it's like we have nothing to do with each other and it's as if we never did.
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searching
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« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2007, 08:38:38 pm »

I am so sorry, I know that losing this friend is terribly difficult.  I have lost many friends over the same things...either I was still at the GC church and they left and just felt they could not have anything to do with me or after I left, losing people who were very dear to me(several people who were closer to me than my own family).  Again, I am so sorry for your pain.
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Valley Noir
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« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2007, 10:23:14 pm »

Quote from: "Left"
I know many people lose friends when leaving a GCM church.  Today I officially lost a best friend.   She was a close friend and mentor while I went to church.


I'm sorry to hear about your friend.  There's nothing you could have done about it; it's an old pattern.  If it's any consolation, you were important enough to her that she felt the need to cut you off.  Bizarre, isn't it?  Your presence in her life causes her to question; therefore, it's better if you weren't there.  Sad.

As far as the e-mail goes, that's another one to chalk up to the "social ineptitude" part of the equation.  That was completely unnecessary; unless, of course, she thought (or, realistically, the pastor thought for her) that any further conversation with you might cause her to leave, too.

The  :twisted: in me thinks you should hide in the bushes, pop out when she walks by, and say "Funny meeting you here!  I just happen to be  reading a book about authoritarian churches. . . ."  Heck, if she's going to be paranoid, why not give her some justification!

But I don't want to encourage you to be a stalker.   :wink:

Quote
I figured we probably wouldn't talk for a while and be friendly if we ever crossed paths.


If you feel up to it, you should do just that.  Just because she chose to do something inappropriate doesn't mean that you have to change the way you behave toward her.

Hang in there.  It does get easier.
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Valley Noir
nateswinton
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« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2007, 07:40:47 am »

Ending a longtime friendship between adults over email is about as cool as junior high-ers breaking up a 3-week relationship over IM.  "Social ineptitude" barely breaches the topic.
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Linda
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« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2007, 08:33:17 am »

So we're not the only ones who thought it was bad that a pastor (and friend) broke fellowship with us via an e-mail from him, a call from his wife, and finally an e-mail from his wife? Not a word spoken.

Also, what do you make of this pastor meeting with a couple we are very close to at Caribou a few months after we left (but before the broken fellowship e-mail). They tearfully expressed their concerns about the church and expressed their inclination to leave and then asked him to show them where their thinking was wrong.

His response (20 minutes into the conversation), was to say something like, "I can't get back into this. The Dugans hurt me too much. This is how I have to handle the situation." Then, he picked up his cup of coffee and walked out, leaving the wife in tears.

"Social ineptitude"?

Lack of counseling class at seminary, maybe?

Or, perhaps he was told that any time he felt that someone might be persuading him that GCM was wrong, he was to leave and go to the pastor "over" him for an intensive indoctrination session and GCM pep talk.

At any rate, if you are a pastor and won't give honest answers to a sincere couple asking honest questions, perhaps you should reconsider your career.
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Valley Noir
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« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2007, 09:29:34 am »

Quote from: "Linda"

"Social ineptitude"?

Lack of counseling class at seminary, maybe?


That would be a step in the right direction.  I've personally found it helpful to "depersonalize" my experience.  It wasn't about me, or the individuals inside GC*; it's about institutionalized social ignorance.  In American culture, friends don't behave that way.

I think of it like watching somebody pick his or her nose in public.  You can choose to feel disgusted, or have compassion for someone who doesn't know any better.
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Valley Noir
Left
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« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2007, 11:57:53 am »

All of it is so true.  Why am I still surprised every time I make a post then see from all the responses that I'm not the only one it happened to.

The worst part of the church I left is that the pastor is good about preaching the actual truth and saying what they aren't doing - then he goes and does the opposite of what preached and does what he says he's not doing.   When you ask him about the inconsistency, he'll argue well that he didn't have bad intentions, but in order for him to do the right thing that's what he has to do.   It's really confusing and crazy and eventually people leave because they're tired of arguing with him.

The people who stay just stay because they don't see the inconsistency.  I'm sure my friend believed without a shadow of a doubt that I brought the end of the friendship upon myself and she  had no other choice than to send me the email.   She would argue it was the loving thing to do - she did ask for my forgiveness and apologized that she had probably hurt me, and then wished me well in life.   That's all that was written, the actual MESSAGE she sent in the email was just so mean.

I guess I don't mind that people are picking their nose in public, it just becomes an issue when they're flinging their findings at me.
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Valley Noir
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« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2007, 04:58:08 pm »

Quote from: "Left"


I guess I don't mind that people are picking their nose in public, it just becomes an issue when they're flinging their findings at me.


Wow, you turned that metaphor around on me!   Smiley   I hear you, and you have every right to feel angry and hurt.

When I got my Matthew 18 warning for slander, the pastor told me that, well, I was never really part of the group!  :x  In the next breath, he's telling me not say anything bad about him or GC*.  Yeah, right, buddy, like that's gonna happen.  Sheesh.
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Valley Noir
MidnightRider
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« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2007, 03:36:45 pm »

Left,

Don't give up completely on your friend. There is a good chance she wrote that email because she was "encouraged" to do so by an elder. There is also a good chance that a year from now she will get "encouraged" out of the fellowship. Then maybe you two can talk again.
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Daisy
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« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2007, 08:33:10 pm »

What makes me feel so sad about GC* devotees, is that they are doomed to live within the confines of the organizations rules, including those that limit friendships to "safe" church people.  I left in a bit more of a storm cloud, as the church still doesn't want me anywhere near their people.  It made me so sad for a while that my dear friends still live under this system of living.  

Quote from: "Linda"
"Social ineptitude"?

Lack of counseling class at seminary, maybe?


I know this is true, as I was close to a male raised up as a leader who had no seminary training and only shadowed a pastor to prepare him for counseling.
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G_Prince
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« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2007, 08:00:51 pm »

Storm Cloud?Huh Do tell...how did you get blacklisted?
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Here's an easy way to find out if you're in a cult. If you find yourself asking the question, "am I in a cult?" the answer is yes. -Stephen Colbert
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