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Author Topic: Finding a new church home  (Read 7097 times)
Differentstrokes
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« on: April 07, 2015, 04:24:01 pm »

Hi! I left a great commission church a few months ago, and I'm having a hard time finding a new church.... I've been to visit several, but I just feel out of place or something. And having been conditioned to believe in only great commission, it's completely unknown territory for me. I lost almost all my friends because I left the church, and am more or less being shunned because I
Moved out of a GC household and moved in with my non-Christian fiancé.... I'm really struggling, not sure what to do.... I feel completely alone and lost
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Janet Easson Martin
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« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2015, 06:25:21 pm »

Welcome, Differentstrokes, to a forum full of ex-members who felt the same way you do now in looking for a new church home, including myself.  

Yes, the often taught "superiority" of the GCx (GCM, GCC, GCI, CCN, whatever they have frequently changed their name to) organization does make it difficult to look objectively at other churches.  Visiting churches, I think, is a hard thing to do. It certainly can be lonely and a bit scary. It's quite normal for people like us coming out of a very controlling environment to feel lost. After all, we learned a ROUTINE in GCx about how to spend our thoughts, time, energy & future. Without realizing it, we lived life "programmed" so to speak. When we break away from that closely boundaried existence, it feels strange to us, although refreshing and free. It's somewhat similar to those who have been captive for an extended period of time. They are not use to making their OWN decisions. Sooo, BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF Smiley

You may even experience some anxiety because you (like so many of us) were accustomed to someone else calling the shots in your life. There is no hurry to find the church you really feel accepted and sincerely loved in. I probably visited at least 10 different churches. Yes, it felt awkward at a number of them. Each of us is unique and has a different style of teaching and preaching we learn well from. You could even look at your venture as an education in how the bible and Christianity is taught outside of GCx. It can be enlightening to see all the different ways God's gifts in a healthy church are manifested. If you pray for God to show you clearly one that is good for you, he won't hide it. Make sure it is a place where you are fed continually God's faithfulness, more than your own. Where You are refreshed with drinking in the knowledge of your forgiven state, and especially reminded of God's miraculous work in you. A place where faith is ignited, not guilt or condemnation. You want to walk away with a dependence, confidence, and hope in God's Great Love and Mercy toward you; and the glory of the Holy Spirit in You.

Remember He is your very near and personal shepherd, to help you in the smallest matter to the greatest because he does care for you.

Prayin for You,

Janet
« Last Edit: April 07, 2015, 07:22:17 pm by Janet Easson Martin » Logged

For grace is given not because we have done good works, but in order that we may be able to do them.        - Saint Augustine
margaret
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2015, 08:35:50 am »

Welcome, Differentstrokes, I know how you feel.  I've been out of our GCM church for a few years now, and I still don't feel fully comfortable attending church.  At first, I felt like I *had to go SOMEWHERE* because the Bible says, "Do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together."
And of course I *had* to read my Bible every day, because "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."  And I had to do this or that, because "insert Bible verse here."  I felt like I had a certain pastor sitting on my shoulder looking at everything I was doing or not doing, and reminding me of the corresponding Bible verse that would either shame me because I was doing something wrong, or guilt me because I wasn't doing enough right.
Learning to live in God's grace is SUCH a different journey that what I was used to, and it has taken me a VERY LONG time to adjust.  I would suggest to you, and hope for you, that you will learn to relax, and trust that God is going to love you no matter what you DO, but simply because of who you ARE.  Be very patient with yourself, and trust that God is not shocked by your thoughts, actions, or lack of actions.  I personally believe that when it's time for me to find a church, God is fully capable of letting me know, and leading me to it.

Being on this site and reading the various testimonies helped me a lot--especially to realize I wasn't the only one who felt this way; and that it wasn't my fault! 
Try to rest.  Would love to chat more if you wish.
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Linda
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2015, 07:01:24 pm »

Welcome, Differentstrokes.

I’m sorry.

For me, one of the most difficult aspects of leaving our GC church was the realization that for nearly 10 years, I had been deceived by the group. We gave lots of passes to bad teaching because we were close friends with many of the pastors. We had no idea that they taught commitment for life to the group and obedience to leaders (once phrased as “giving the controls of your life to the men God works through”).

We have been gone for nearly 10 years and it was only 2 years ago that we found a church home. We have settled in at, of all places, an evangelical Anglican church that is filled with solid Christians of all ages. We appreciate the focus on God, Bible reading, and prayer.

Early on, one of the things that struck me as wrong about my GC church was the way they talked about other churches. They even sent out mass mailings that made fun of "boring" churches and assured people that our GC church was cool and interesting, not boring "like your parent's church". Looking back, this should have been a huge red flag.

Over the years, I have come up with a few things I look for in a church. Here are some, in no particular order.

-When I leave a service, am I thinking about God and how he showed his love for me through Christ, or am I thinking about the local church, the pastor, the movement.

-Is the Bible the final authority? Do they believe in the priesthood of all believers?

-Do pastors feel they have a special connection to God and should be obeyed in all matters (like telling people who they should marry, where they should work, etc.)?

-Do they teach commitment to the local church for life? Do they view the local expression of the church as more important than the Church (meaning the body of all believers). In other words, are members made to feel “guilty” if they decide to attend another church in the community?

-Do they mock or criticize other churches for the way they worship and do they suggest that their form of worship is better, cooler, more interesting, more fun?

-Do they feel they have to work to “make Christ attractive”? (As if Christ needs our help.)

-How do they treat people who leave or disagree? Are people shunned?

-Do the leaders get angry when people ask questions about the church? Have the leaders ever deceived anyone by what they DON’T say?

-Is there a 13 page statement of error and apology? If so, are they still doing those things?

I pray that God leads you into fellowship with other believers, in His time, and that He becomes a perfect shepherd to you as He leads.
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Differentstrokes
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« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2015, 03:14:19 pm »

Thanks guys Smiley I think I'm having a really hard time not going to church, cause I'm conditioned to think church is priority number 1.... And my parents are very well known and respected among the older GC alumni, so there's a lot of pressure on me... I feel like I'm letting them down by leaving, but I just couldnt keep pretending everything that church does is okay...
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FeministRebel
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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2015, 08:30:26 pm »

Hi friend,

First off, what you're feeling is normal. GCx becomes our world, and since they are not well known for sort of fostering great tolerance of other Christian churches, denominations, or let alone other faiths, it can be challenging to see the world through any other lens than the black and white GCx lens.

Every person's journey out of GCx is different. But one thing remains the same: we all left with some semblance of feelings of upheaval, confusion, questioning relationships, our morals sometimes, what we believed, and how we approached life and faith.

I lost nearly all my friends, and relationships. Many pretend they don't know me at all when they see me walking down the street. But at the time, much like you, I felt I couldn't continue justifying supporting this church and their tactics. I felt it was all hypocrisy, and not in tune with the essence of Jesus' message, at all.

I took a good long break from church attendance for a while, while I did much soul searching, and weighed many of my beliefs and values. It was an awkward experience to be sure. I went through many different paths, and considerations... and tested many waters. But eventually, I found myself. In the end. And I found the courage to fully embrace my path. You will, too.

Some folks came away still creationist, and just moved on to some other church. Some folks became more mindful of biblical teaching, while still conservative in nature, some more liberal, and some others left religious beliefs altogether -- like me.

But wherever your road leads you, know that you are not alone. We've all been scared, and lost friends, sometimes family... we all made some kind of a sacrifice. We all had to re-evaluate a bit. It takes courage... but you will find your way.

Perhaps give yourself some time until your feelings of 'allegiance' to them (which you undoubtedly must have) subside, and can think more clearly on your own terms about your values and beliefs, instead of how they wanted you to think. That was the challenging bit for me... that every place I went to, I always analyzed it with 'well, that's not the teaching GCx would give, so it's not really living out Christianity...' And it was so wrong! How dare they try to act like they had the 'inside track' on Christianity!

Getting myself deprogrammed enough to even listen to other views was the real challenge, and it was a lengthy process that required much of my patience. Spiritual abuse takes time to overcome. 
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Janet Easson Martin
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« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2015, 09:06:25 pm »

DifferentStrokes,

I want you to know that years ago God showed me that sons and daughters of even leaders in GCx would find help from Him in leaving this very unhealthy system, and that later their parents would get help to leave also. He knows the great difficulty with which you struggle. Only those in your place (which you have explained) understand the pressure you are experiencing. I don't believe God wants you to go through this alone. If you don't mind my saying, you need wise, loving, caring, and experienced professional christian counselors who will 'walk beside you' for a while as you attempt to carve out your new path. Ones who will LISTEN and UNDERSTAND and provide support for you. This is too heavy for you to carry alone.  I personally had to do this, and I wasn't even a child of a prominent GCx family.

Assure your parents of your love for them. Perhaps share your desire to enlarge your view of the Body of Christ to see how other believers "do" church. It may not be profitable to discuss your differences much until you've had time & space to process your thoughts and feelings with a counselor yourself. Perhaps they could be a mediator on such a difficult subject for both of you later.

If you don't know of any such counselors in your area, please message me on this site, and I will do some research to find you one. They might also recommend good healthy churches for your needs if you ask.
So, start with a christian professional in this specific need, and then they can help you on the path to finding a new church.

Unfortunately parents are not perfect and we do make mistakes. But God is in the BUSINESS of redeeming our mistakes. Here's a promise I claim for my own mistakes with my family:

"For The Lord WILL SURELY comfort you, and have COMPASSION on ALL your ruins."     (Isaiah 51:3)


Anyhow, glad to have you here. I believe there are many sons and daughters of GCx parents in your shoes.
You are certainly NOT alone.

Still praying for You,

Janet



« Last Edit: April 11, 2015, 04:17:44 pm by Janet Easson Martin » Logged

For grace is given not because we have done good works, but in order that we may be able to do them.        - Saint Augustine
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