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March 24, 2019, 10:33:43 pm *
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Author Topic: Naming Abusers  (Read 1366 times)
Wingless_Butterfly
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« on: November 30, 2018, 11:44:04 pm »

I've been coming on to this forum for a few months now and have been inclined, on more than one occasion, to write a full account of my GCC experience. The trouble is that I can never get further than a few lines, and even what I do write is usually incredibly vague.

Is it a symptom of abuse to not want to name my abusers or the abuse they've committed? Why are we so privvy to be secretive about these things?
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Cult Proof
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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2018, 03:26:47 am »

I donít know the answer to your question but I do know that not being able to formulate words can be associated with ptsd.  Iíve been taught by my counselor that Iíll know I am healing the more I am able to articulate my story, in story form.  Trauma leaves us in a state of fragmented thoughts, healing takes those thoughts and writes a story. For me finding my voice is a journey and the more I find it the more whole I feel, but itís taken me time and I havenít been able to force it or rush it (even though I want to).  I do know that finding our voice is an important part of our healing.
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Cult Proof
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2018, 05:47:53 am »

Iíd like to hear from others what the fallout has been for people who have used names and called specific people out as abusive; on here and on social media.
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ReaperofGCM
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« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2018, 12:34:21 pm »

Really the only thing you should have to worry about would be the legal repercussions of mentioning names, should one of the offenders
happen to peruse this board you could potentially be sued for slander and defamation, although that chance is slim to none especially if the incident(s)
actually took place. I only mention this because while there have been a ton of people slamming Mark Darling for his alleged improprieties with
a few women, there are also an equal amount defending him and he would be well within his rights to sue his accusers for defamation, especially if he remembers
the incidents differently and there are no witnesses. However, if he is guilty of his actions to these women, I doubt he would actually follow
through with a lawsuit as this would become public record and be one more negative search result on google.

I know shunning in churches is definitely a thing, especially the one I was apart of, however you should never feel ashamed to mention names or places,
especially if you have a crystal clear recollection and not an accusation from 20+ years ago (not taking Darlings side, but just playing devils advocate)
It was a good 10 years before I started confronting the issues of my past head on. Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place
but I urge you to allow yourself to think past what has been programmed into you.
 
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Wingless_Butterfly
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« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2018, 07:22:24 am »

Reaper -

I don't think I'm afraid of legal reprecussions. I actually think my hesitance comes partially from wanting to protect the abuser, or from not wanting to "slander". Remember, I don't hate my ex church. I say this not to shame anyone who does (because honestly... That might be a more normal reaction), but to shed light on where I'm at.

I recognize that this desire to protect or cover up is not healthy, that's why I'm bringing it up. I feel like it's a symptom of abuse - perhaps PTSD, as cult proof mentioned.

It's worth mentioning that I act this way not just online in this forum, but in real life when talking to even my closest friends who see the problems with the church. It's a default. I say "this person" rather than a name, or "certain situations" instead of divulging details. I know in part it's because of the culture of the church I was in, but it disturbs me how deeply imbedded it is when I activrely recognize that it isn't normal.

You would think I'd feel the freedom to speak on here, given the anonymity. But no. "Certain situations".
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Rebel in a Good Way
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« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2018, 07:32:56 am »

You could at least write out your story for yourself, it can be very healing.  And then you can decide if you want to include names or not. 

Keeping slander in mind isn't the worst thing, people have threatened to sue individuals on this forum who were supporting an abuse victim.  I am just careful how I word things when mentioning individuals and try to stick to just mentioning facts or clarifying that it is my opinion.  I think naming institutions and leaders (ordained pastors, elders, and worship leaders moreso than a small group leader) is different than naming a random member. I wouldn't do the latter but if anyone in the church had a position of authority I think it is fine to name them. 
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Cult Proof
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« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2018, 08:18:05 am »

You might find these helpful about ptsd and spiritual abuse.

http://www.readingremy.com/spiritual-abuse-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/libertyforcaptives.com/2012/10/04/crock-pot-trauma-spiritual-abuse-and-recovery/amp/

I have found it helpful to write down names or events on paper and then burn them to destroy them.

Also, I think I understand the love you feel.  I think Iíve had to process similarly.  For awhile I wondered if I had Stockholm syndrome, now I think I was just wading through the swamp of healing from spiritual abuse.  Itís very confusing because what feels like and looks like love is part of spiritual abuse. I am praying for you, God is faithful, I believe healing is coming.
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ReaperofGCM
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« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2018, 10:40:55 am »

I agree with what @Rebel says, if what happened involved a private member of the congregation, then probably best not to go
naming names. However if your complaint involved the inaction of a pastor, or even bad counseling from a member that
was in a position of authority, then it should be fair game.
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Godisgrace
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« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2018, 01:55:02 am »

Reaper -

I don't think I'm afraid of legal reprecussions. I actually think my hesitance comes partially from wanting to protect the abuser, or from not wanting to "slander". Remember, I don't hate my ex church. I say this not to shame anyone who does (because honestly... That might be a more normal reaction), but to shed light on where I'm at.

I recognize that this desire to protect or cover up is not healthy, that's why I'm bringing it up. I feel like it's a symptom of abuse - perhaps PTSD, as cult proof mentioned.

It's worth mentioning that I act this way not just online in this forum, but in real life when talking to even my closest friends who see the problems with the church. It's a default. I say "this person" rather than a name, or "certain situations" instead of divulging details. I know in part it's because of the culture of the church I was in, but it disturbs me how deeply imbedded it is when I activrely recognize that it isn't normal.

You would think I'd feel the freedom to speak on here, given the anonymity. But no. "Certain situations".


I understand where you are coming from. I knew the pastors would be quick to say I was slandering and gossiping if I would name names. I have shared my experience.....that took at least 2 or 3 years before comfortable. Share the names if you are comfortable....or wait. You never know who will be watching this forum. I know I seen pictures with quotes from the pastors and family members of Whitney's who are now pastors. It made me sick. Just know you are in a better place
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