Processing a Traumatic Experience

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[Linda]

Note: I'm posting on The Healing Forum.

One of the things I have been hesitant to discuss is how traumatic my GCx church experience has been in my life. Everything I loved most was affected. God and family.

Adding to my horror, was the trauma of realizing that I had been deceived and on the basis of deception had made some choices that had the potential to harm and divide my family. Praise God that didn't happen.

For some (not all) who have been through trauma, telling their story, is the way to process and understand the traumatic experience. I am one of those people.

Finding others who are able to understand is amazingly helpful and comforting.

I want to thank those of you who post here and tell your stories. I'm glad you are here. I believe the shared common experiences are very healing.

I also see many who haven't posted much lately, but who are reading whose stories I know. I'm glad you are still here. I care about your stories. They matter. You matter. There are people who understand.

[Digital Lynch Mob]

Mama D

[Mary7]

One of the neat ways God has shown me that He is my healer has been putting people in my life who have shared their story of leaving our church—I identify with them.  A woman who moved onto my street told me about being betrayed by her small group leader. The lady I randomly went to for a haircut told me her theological issues (same as mine!) that made her walk away. Two friends left after me and although we don’t see each other often we understand each other and it’s been beautiful to breathe easier and share more freely all that God is doing because there’s nothing to prove to each other anymore. I’d definitely say trauma is the word for leaving what I thought was my identity and future and the Lord has proved faithful. This forum has been a good place to process and though it’s been rough lately, in a strange way even the debates have been healing— I don’t want to say how they have been healing because I don’t want to get into a debate, so I’ll leave it at that!

[Boggs]

The most traumatic period of my life was the year or two after I left a GC church. My wife and I had been married a few years - had a couple kids - and all of our closest friends in the world were in that church, dating back to our intense college group. When we left we tried to keep our most important friendships alive but it was difficult for everyone involved and they petered out. Our closest friends were very committed to their GC church and church was all-consuming to them. When we no longer had that in common, it felt like the foundation for our friendship had crumbled.

We sought out new friends - not easy with a couple of kids, starting from scratch - and made a few, and a few more. Now, seven years later, we have a rich life of relationships with people from many walks of life. We've been very careful to form friendships that don't depend on a church or other context so we won't suffer the same trauma again. And now we're reconnecting with old friends who have left GC for different reasons, in addition to all the friendships we've built in the interim.

Friendships are so important. My best memories of GC are of friendships and adventures and crazy shared experiences. I have many fond memories.

[Greentruth]

The most traumatic experience I ever went through was when my wife left me for someone else. Short story, I crawled in a bottle for awhile. Decided I wasn’t going to do that to my children. Went to an alcohol program. While in there, I walked into the chapel, having no idea what to do. A nurse came in and scared me away. I kept thinking about the chapel. I believed in God, but didn’t think I could ever measure up. Anyway I helped some people, and it took away the pain for a little while. I went to my room and was praying for the chance to help more people. In tears, my door opened and this older guy came in and I jumped up. He said God has forgiven you your sins, forgive yourself. Boom, the spirit of joy ingrained. I went home and joined the church my x wife went to, well I went on holidays, and became very good friends with the pastor, and a couple other guys. We did Bible study together, and I was very close to the pastor family. I moved to the cities and started going to ECC. About two years later I learned my friend had been accused of sexual assault. He was removed from the pulpit while the investigation went ahead. The girl admitted to making it up, but my friend and his family moved out of state. I learned that he was leaving his family, as he was having an affair. I mentioned it to my x during a conversation, as she knew them from when she attended. She bluntly told me good. Surprised I asked what was up with that. She then told me that the pastor had hit on her, as she had called for council in our marriage. And that this had made up her mind to leave. I told her I was sorry she had to go through that. Talk about confusing. Through pain I called my friend and talked. I never brought up my X.  I tried to talk him into staying with his family, as he said he was moving soon. He didn’t, and he did leave the church as well. I remember his wife asking me what to do with his belongings, such as seminary books. Very painful for her. She was strong in Christ and remarried years later. I talked to my friend a few times, trying to encourage him in his faith, as it hurt my heart to see him falling away from his faith. I  don’t know all the details of all the events, but holding onto Jesus loving Spirit brought me through stronger in my relationship with Him. God has used my experience to help many. When wronged we have two choices how to handle it. The flesh loves anger in this type of situation. I thank God often for putting the spirit of forgiveness on my heart. I didn’t realize it back then, but my decision effected my family, friends and others who knew the situation. Someday I hope I get the chance to see my friend again, to talk openly and express love, and maybe forgiveness if brought up. For his sake, as I’m sure it still burdens his walk and heart.

[Huldah]

I’d definitely say trauma is the word for leaving what I thought was my identity and future and the Lord has proved faithful. This forum has been a good place to process and though it’s been rough lately, in a strange way even the debates have been healing— I don’t want to say how they have been healing because I don’t want to get into a debate, so I’ll leave it at that!

I completely agree with every part of this, Mary7.

Like Linda, I'm one of those who needs to verbalize a trauma before I can begin to process it, and to whom should I better verbalize than those who've experienced the same thing? How lovely, and how deeply reassuring it is, to see so many growing in their faith in spite of what they've been through.

Recently I was looking through some of my much older posts. In some of them, I was writing about incidents I had nearly forgotten by now. Now, that's healing! Sharing my story here, where I've been believed and supported, allowed me to let go of a lot more of it than I had even realized. Not all of it, of course. Some of the wounds were so deep that I won't be forgetting their source unless I'm overtaken by amnesia or dementia. Nor would I want to forget all of it, if the memories can help me help others.

In closing, thank you to all of you who've encouraged me, and especially to Puff for creating this forum.

[margaret]

Greentruth, I’m so sorry all that happened to you and around you. Yes, traumatic.