leaving candlewood

Differentstrokes

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leaving candlewood

« on: April 13, 2015, 07:00:05 am »

hi! so I've grown up in GCM, as long as i can remember we've been involved with great commission. Growing up our church wasnt so bad, it was among the many that embraced the "quiverful" movement, long denim jumpers and all. My family was always on the outskirts of the group, while we WERE homeschooled(one sister and I would attend public high school later in life *gasp*) my parents taught us to think and debate, they gave me the freedom to question which was almost unheard of in the movement. I flourished there, knowing who i was and enjoying my individualism, even if it meant chastisement for wearing jeans and tshirts to church (or even, shock, wearing makeup or a shirt or dress that broke to three finger rule!).

When i was 17, my dads job transferred him to omaha, and since i was still at home i had to go with. I was vulnerable and lonely, the perfect catch for the church. It didnt take long before I was pulled into the youth group at church, which started innocently enough. Where things really started to seem weird was when, while sitting in a youth group meeting, i was told i needed to be a missionary in my school, that all my friends there were going to hell and it was up to me to rescue them. I was told if i wasn't openlu sharing the gospel and being persecuted for it, I wasn't doing anything for God. At this time i was heavily involved in drama at school, which took up a lot of my after school time. I remember having to miss church things and being told my priorities where misplaced.

AFter graduation, things slowly went downhill. I was "encouraged" to go to UNO, instead of a university in Missouri that I had intended to attend, the pressure was on because there was no gc church there, which obviously meant i would be led astray and fall into sin.... So i stayed in omaha and attended UNO, I became extremely involved in the rock, however i had chosen to pursue a theater degree. I had many late nights with the theater crew and most of my weekends were set building, this was simply unacceptable. I was coerced into dropping theater, because it was impeding my ability to be involved with the church, AND it was a "den of sin" and "dangerous for a christian", presumably because it was teaching me how to be in touch with myself, think for myself, and many of my co-majors were homesexual, and it was wrong to hang out with those people. i remember being told "we weren't sure who was going to pursue you, we were afraid you would get lost to the world". So I stayed, I couldnt pick a major that made me happy, the only class i enjoyed was astronomy which i had to take a stand for because it interferred with the rock on wednesday nights, but i wasn't about to drop it...

I dropped out of college after a year and a half, i was burnout trying to keep up with the rock events we had every single night, and still keep up with my homework. I was being pulled aside very often by my "leaders", who were young men and women between 18-20, some of whom had only been saved a few months, to be chastised for not being comitted enough to to the church, for flirting with boys, or putting other things before my church. I left the rock and joined the CWS, the candlewood working singles, I moved in with 4 other church girls, and commenced living the church life. I started to toy with the idea of leaving for a long time, i attempted suicide and was encouraged not to pursue help from a counselor, but to get my relationship with god right, we were being told to make our careers fit around the church, to make sure we never missed an activity, and above all NO DATING. Dating was a sin unless intiated but a man, after first seeking counsel from the pastors and my father. I started dating when i was 21, and i had the audacity to drink in my own home. I had to keep my dating life secret because i knew i would get disciplined by the elders, or chastised by my leaders. the last straw came when i tried to organize a charity event for the church, and i was told i couldnt do it because it wasn't the churches vision, to row a boat you have to all be rowing the same direction, and to leave those plans to the leaders. That was it for me. i left last fall, and have been struggling with extreme guilt from abandoning my church family, my parents, and supposedly my faith. All the friends i had have disappeared, its like i never existed. i was pushed out of my house, and chastised for moving in with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is hindu, so that has been a huge thing. He is extremely loving and supportive, he is so wonderful. We plan to marry in the fall, and i dont have any friends that i think will come, because for years i was told the only reason for friends outside the church was to convert them and bring them to church....

So for me, I left because the church was controlling my whole life in a wholly non-biblical way. Instead of allowing every one to express their own gifts and pursue their own dreams, with the church as a support network, it was being used to manipulate and control hundreds of young single people. I Am glad i left, but i miss having the friends....I don't even know how to make friends outside of the church, all i have is my boyfriend.


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margaret

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